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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say I will give a child's birthday presents to someone else

45 replies

angryone · 24/04/2008 19:13

I sent a parcel to a relative for their child's 3rd birthday. They live a considerable distance from me, I rarely see them and there is no-one I could easily leave the gifts with for them to collect. They don't bother tell me if items arrive safely until months later, if ever, so I paid extra to have the parcel signed for. I didn't know that meant they only had 7 days to collect it. The parcel was returned to me.

Although both parents work, the mother 4 days a week, they were at home on at least 2 days in that week - one birthday party with grandparents, one with a friend - and another relative was staying with them. As the collection card states one phone call would have arranged for the parcel to be delivered on one of the days they were in. The sorting office is only about half a mile from their home, they do have a car and they did get a collection card. I don't know the opening hours of the office but I imagine there was some time during the week they could have got there.

Obviously I am very annoyed, especially as the parcel cost over 5 pounds to send. I have said I will find another child to give the presents to and have been told "I don't think your reaction is very reasonable to an oversight on our part." Note there was no suggestion of an apology.

So what do you think - and what would you reply?

OP posts:

WiiMii · 24/04/2008 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

angryone · 24/04/2008 20:05

Flame for undeliverable parcels at home you get a card through the door. It tells you the number to call to arrange redelivery and the address to collect from with the opening hours to collect it.

I was surprised it was 7 days for a signed for parcel but I suspect (haven't had a card for ages) it also tells you how long you have to collect before its returned. This is obviously just Royal Mail parcels, business parcels depend on who delivers them.

If they were unhappy about the parcel being redelivered the office to collect from is about half a mile from where they live. They have a car.

Would you not find 5 minutes to pick up a present for your child?

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 24/04/2008 20:13

I'd be annoyed too - it would have been obvious that the parcel would be a birthday present, and it would have told them on the card that they only had seven days to collect. They could also have chosen to have it redelivered, and it would annoy me that they couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone and arrange for it to be delivered at a time to suit them.

I'd tell them they can either pick it up next time they are in the area, or send you a cheque to cover reposting. They have admitted that it was an oversight on their part, so they shouldn't have any objection to paying to have it re-sent.

I have to say, though, that I don't think it was a good idea to tell them that you would give the present to someone else. It would immediately put them on the defensive, which makes it hard to negotiate a way around the problem.

Flibbertyjibbet · 24/04/2008 20:20

If I need to post a present I always make sure I send something that will fit through the letter box. DVD, book, bling for girls, small item of clothing, voucher etc etc.

We have two small dcs, I wouldn't want to faff about trying to get to a post office/depot/wait in on my day off etc, so I try not to inflict that on other people.

Original poster

angryone · 24/04/2008 20:31

WiiMII I just don't understand what you are getting at. Nailpolish suggested I do what they do for my children, in terms of leaving gifts with relatives - so I replied to explain why that isn't an option.

If I begrudged the child a gift I wouldn't have sent it. I simply wanted to know it got there.

OP posts:

onebatmother · 24/04/2008 20:31

Oh this makes me feel sooo guilty. I've done this once, and discovered that the parcel had sent back. Life was v stressful at the time. Totally my fault though.

Nevertheless, I'd have been taken aback if I'd been bollocked for it, and taken miles aback if an adult had punished my child for my fuckup.

Perhaps on the days they were in, the parents were too busy entertaining rellies to call the PO (can take 20 mins in phone queue)? And in any case, it can be tough to be organized with small children..

We live in circumstances that are completely different from those of our relatives and are always fucking them off accidentally. Sometimes through our own fault, sometimes through exhaustion and sometimes because they simply haven't understood (or listened) when we've tried to explain the reality of the pressure we're under.

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2008 20:38

Any chance they could be stressed / hae an ill child?
I have to say it is my Ds's birthday this weekend, he has been ill for a month and picking up parcels from the post office or calling to have them redelivered would be low on my priority list, sorry

Original poster

angryone · 24/04/2008 20:39

Flibbertyjibbert I've done that before or we've dropped presents off there, which was quite difficult for us. But I still remember getting a big box of presents in the post when I was a child. I wanted to share that fun for once and I did think they'd be able to either collect it or have it delivered this time.

As it is I get the impression - rightly or wrongly - that the child has more than enough already.

OP posts:

WiiMii · 24/04/2008 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cushioncover · 24/04/2008 20:56

YANBU to be annoyed, I would be too.

Onebatmother, the OP isn't really annoyed at one mistake, more at the general lack of courtesy. If this was one oversight everyone would be saying she was BU, but it isn't.

Children old enough to write should be writing thank you cards for gifts received. Even if parents cannot manage this, almost everyone has a few moments on a weekday evening to make a thank you call to a relative who has been kind enough to send their child a gift.

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2008 21:22

Definitely agree with thank you cards!

eandz · 24/04/2008 21:31

i'd give the gift to another child. just because it's the subject of having manners thats the point. you go out of your way to do something nice for a relative and then that very relative is too lazy to ensure the package arriving at their doorstep at their disposal.

so just give it away. give the kid a high-five next time you see him/her and maybe try again with a gift the next year? if it doesn't work for a second year in a row, forget it completely...buy your own kid the extra gift to celebrate that relatives birthday.

onebatmother · 24/04/2008 21:35

3 year olds can't write though CC.

I do agree that courtesy is important and we have always done thank you phonecalls when chidlren old enough to do so. Letters likewise.

But OP asks whether she should have told the parents that she will be giving the presents to another child. I think not, because the child is being punished for the parent's crapness/franticness (delete as appropriate).

Beyond that basic AIBU question, I was trying to explain that the possibilities of getting to the PO or organizing redelivery are pretty high in some life-circumstances, less so in others; and that OP might not have fully understood the parents' situation.

eandz · 24/04/2008 21:43

ok...i was just under the impression that a 3 yr old wouldn't really care. (don't have children yet...1st one is on his way) so i figured that it wouldn't hurt the kids feelings. and if the parents are soo indifferent, then the thoughtfulness of the gift shouldn't go wasted on people like that.

Original poster

angryone · 24/04/2008 23:00

a 3 year old is only upset if they know they are getting a present and it doesn't arrive. I very much doubt his parents bothered to tell him. His card was in the box with the presents. If they did tell him he has no idea there was more than one thing in the box so they could buy him anything and tell him that was the present. At 3 they are still happy with a balloon.

So I don't feel the child "suffers" unless the parents choose to make him do so. He has lost out - but he probably doesn't even know that.

I do feel I understand the parents situation. I haven't sent anything before that wouldn't fit through a letter box. But this time I knew there was a very good chance someone would be home more than one day in the week - as there was.

I told the mother I was annoyed, they just said they were busy - I don't see that as any sort of apology. So I had enough and told them I'd give the presents away. They did get an opportunity to apolgise before I said that. Some of you obviously think "I was busy" is adequate and no apology is required, I don't.

As they rarely visit relatives I have to make the effort to visit them to see the child. It means either a very long day or a hotel and I don't think I'll want to make that much effort. The child doesn't know my family enough to miss us.

In the light of your comments I have simply replied that I feel they were rude and didn't even bother to apologise for it. And there I shall let it rest.

OP posts:

eandz · 24/04/2008 23:32

i agree with you

onebatmother · 24/04/2008 23:41

No, I definitely don't think that it's okay not to apologize, angryone. And I agree there behaviour has been very impolite.

Nevertheless I do think that you are perhaps being a little childish in your response. And a little maiden Auntish, if I'm honest. It's possible they are now retro-justifying their behaviour because you've flounced...

WallOfSilence · 24/04/2008 23:54

Why do you send gifts when they never let you know if they get them or not?

What exactly did you say to them for her to reply: "I don't think your reaction is very reasonable to an oversight on our part." ?

FGS, they're human, to err is human!

For example, I work full time now. I am out of my home from 8.20 & not home until 6pm monday through to Friday. Therefore I wouldn't be able to pick up a parcel..... and if they had 2 days off work to entertain a visitor, organise a party & spend time together as a family, it's no wonder something as small as going to the PO was forgotten.

By the delivery docket they wouldn't have known it was from you anyway, they may have thought it was a business parcal & it could wait until after that child's birthday?

As for thank-you cards, they are lovely & all that, but I have never ever received one from anyone, ever. I sent some after our wedding & after dd was born, but for general occasions such a b'day, C'mas, I never send them, nor have I ever been sent one!

madamez · 25/04/2008 00:33

If their local post office is anything like mine, it's a really major hassle to either collect a parcel from the depot (queue for up to half an hour, wait another 15 minutes while some head-scratching acne-face fails to find it, calls supervisor, finally produces parcel and then demands 5 forms of ID and a blood test) or wait in for a whole day for it not to appear and then go out the next morning and return to find a card...
They didn't not collect the parcel just to spite you. Do you frequently perform like this at friends and relations? If so I'm surprised more of them don't tell you to stick your presents up your arse in future.

helenhismadwife · 25/04/2008 09:39

I think there are two issues here, one is the fact that they dont bother to let you that anything you send is received and that in my opinion is rude and very bad manners and you are not being unreasonable to feel annoyed.

As for collecting the parcel I can see how that could have been difficult to do with parties and people staying I know that i cant guarantee to be in for anything if I have people staying in fact Im more likely to be out

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