Do we need a child access order? Wits end

[Helladay]

I’m at my wits end of dealing with ex partner. We have three children together 6 and 8 and 10z He works in a job abroad that allows absolutely zero flexibility and no commitment to any kind of childcare. I have no idea what’s happening month to month and he easily disappears for a couple of months at a time.

Everytime he suddenly decides he will be back again our whole lives are thrown into chaos. He makes demands about seeing the children but on his terms. It has to fit to his schedule. My anxiety shoots through the roof and it’s making me ill. Am I expected to keep living my life in this way?

With a man that essentially takes on no actual commitment or real parenting. But when he shows up I I get accused of withholding the children and being an abusive mother if I do not grant him his wishes. Do I need to just accept this and let go of all the anger and resentment.

I really need advice? What would a court say? Am I setting myself up for failure by going down that avenue? He frequently states to me how no judge would tell him he needs to change his job. So what would happen?

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you 🙁 I don't know what the answer is but I think you should get some legal advice. You aren't unreasonable to not drop everything for him to see the kids when he chooses to turn up and it's not ok for him to be abusive or threatening. But most courts will try to facilitate contact with both parents as in most cases that is in the child's best interests. Is he paying regular child support?

Is his company really that bad or is he using that as an excuse?

A judge would order him to give notice so that you can make plans without worrying about the possibility that he might turn up. Dads who work away eg in the military or shifts (including nights) would be expected to propose something more concrete than turning up when they fancy

He sees them on the terms that you set - and if he doesn't like that, he can apply for a child arrangement order. A court will not look too favourably on a parent that shows no consistency. It doesnt need to cause you any stress, you arent obligated to dance to his tune when he shows up.

Stop letting him call the shots. Tell him if he wants access to go to court. The courts will not make you run around accommodating his whims. The likelihood is that he'd be awarded some regular access that you'd be expected to accommodate ( the every other weekend type), but you wouldn't have to make them available outside those times. He's taking the piss.

You should absolutely get some sort of proper legal advice. The situation isn't good for anyone, children need consistency and you shouldn't have your life turned upside down whenever he fancies it. At the end of the day if his job is not compatible with parenting then he should find a new job.

I would get a Child Arrangement Order so that you can take the kids on holiday without his permission and so he doesn’t ruin special occasions like Christmas and birthdays.

I’m going to be truthful, a court order isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. My son’s dad has set days and times and he still doesn’t stick to the times on the court order and changes it to suit him and his work each time. He’s supposed to get our son every other weekend at 4pm but often it’s 5 or 6 and sometimes 7pm. If I say he’s not having him unless he sticks to the court order time of 4pm, he says I’d be breaking the order by not allowing contact, but he can break it by not adhering to the times. What I’m trying to say, these dads will still find a way to change it around to suit them. I’m sorry OP, I don’t know what to suggest - I just hope it gets better for you

A reasonable court order would set in place that you should be required to make the children available to stay with him according to a predictable pattern (say every other weekend and one or two midweek evenings) and require him to keep you informed with at least a week's notice whether or not he will actually be turning up.

So you will have reliable knowledge that on "your" weekends you can make plans and book activities because even if he turns up, he can't have them those weekends. And in the other weekends you keep your plans flexible and don't book anything that can't be cancelled.

It's not reasonable for him to control your life after the end of your relationship and you have the right to have some level of predictability but there are huge numbers of non-resident parents who rarely show up for their every-other-weekend opportunities. Having an unpredictable job is far from the only cause of this kind of predicament.

But you’re not breaking the order? You have your son ready at 4pm for his father to collect, if he doesn’t turn up at his court ordered time then he is breaking it. Personally i’d just go out so I wasn’t there when he eventually decides to turn up and let him take me back to court and tell them that he can’t be bothered to be there when he should.

Thats not a problem with the order though, you don't have to allow him access if it deviates from the order.

You need to stop letting him call the shots. Not only is it stressful for you, it must be very destabilising for your children to have him coming and going to and from their lives as he pleases, with little notice.

I would strongly recommend seeking legal advice, even just a one off appointment to provide you with enough information to self represent. I think you would benefit from a Child arrangements order (CAO) that sets out that your DC ‘live with’ you (this will allow you to take them out of the country on a holiday without his permission). The order should also state what days the children ‘spend time’ with him. For example every other weekend, or perhaps even one month per weekend. It will also specify arrangements for example for Christmas and other holidays.

This then puts the onus upon him to rearrange his work around his time with his children, rather than how it seems like it currently is, whereby the children (and you) are rearranging your lives around him. Granted he will most likely miss ‘his’ time frequently, but at least you can continue with your life as normal the rest of the time. If he tells you that he is back on a particular weekend (that they are due to be with you) you can tell him to follow the court order and that the DC will not available. This will hopefully give you some peace until he gets a new gf and suddenly becomes father of the year for now.

Thanks all. Yes his job really is that unreasonable. He misses everything from his children’s birthdays, to his own family weddings. He always has put work first.

No he is not in the military he does a job where he has plenty of time to go out have a social life and for days off just not in the uk. They do work unreasonably long days and antisocial hours.

Also, regarding his job, yes many jobs are not flexible, hence why mums (and also many dads) frequently end up changing to more family friendly jobs when they have children. No reason why he can’t find something else that is at least in the same country, unless he’s in the army (which you’ve not mentioned).

@Tigerlily19 thank you

He already has a new girlfriend but she lives abroad. She of course thinks he is a magnificent father because he occasionally spends time with them of course and pays his child maintenance.

Could he give you dates he wants to see the kids for the next 3 months or even 6 months? How unpredictable is his work pattern? If you knew well in advance what days you need to assume he’s seeing the kids it would help hugely.

He potentially could but it will be absolutely him dictating that he has three days here and maybe a few days another week.

There is certainly not any consistency to it. It’s a swoop in play mr fun and then run away and leave me with the emotionally upset children. It’s not even just the navigating the days he is here, it’s the aftermath of it all too. I will get my children back upset just before half term. I then need to navigate working and childcare and a particularly emotional 8 year old. I’m just exhausted 🙁

Hi i am following this post, my ex cheated on me, left me and my daughter for another woman got her pregnant within a month, he was abusive towards us and my daughter got in the way and didn't want her etc always arguing in front of her etc, had a drink problem also.
He git his gf pregnant within a month of leaving us, he has moved back into our old house where my daughter was conceived and I found out which didn't go down very well, he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life, wanted to be act the perfect father towards his new gf. On the weekend arguments started between him and his gf my daughter got caught up in the middle and arrived at his in the middle of it, 30xmins later I got a called she was marched out the house and wasn't wanted at his house anymore and he didn't want her there, we have gone through mediation to sort the order but in my eyes its now been broken by him not wanting her there and his gf saying he is nasty towards my daughter and taking things out on her, he has also mentioned him being clean for 9 months of the gear and alcohol that he was on and may as well get back on it, I left my daughter there as his parents turned up and said that lola could stay there and would be ok with them, I shoul of walked away I know but I didn't, I wanted to know what my daughter was being exposed too. My daughter since then in the evening said that daddy and his gf didn't want him and she will not go back there without me staying with her, I have told him that I am getting legal help before she comes again, I believe for her safety this is the best thing to do, anyone else.been in the same or similar position?