Puzzling behaviour from in-laws

[feelingostracised]

I've been part of the family for over 20 years now, but my in-laws live in another country. We however spend summer holidays together in their country of residence and generally have had good relationship so far minus some attempts at possessive behaviour most by my MIL around when our kids. I can deal with it though as we don't really meet that often.
During the past few years my brother-in-law got married and had a child, living very close to his parents and they are very involved to the level of enmeshed in his family life. To a certain extent they are doing this because they couldn't do the same thing with us for various reasons - when our DCs were young they were still employed so couldn't take much time off. (This is relevant.)
My in-laws try to make sure and show us every time we visit that we are welcome and feel like part of the family, however, some of their actions make me feel questioning if that's true at all and generally if I can trust them.

The incident in question was the recent passing of my husband's grandfther he was close to. When his gradmother died some year ago they didn't tell us about it until a few months later, after we specifically asked how she was. Ooops, she actually died, is what they said. I am not going to lie, this felt hurtful, but at that time I had problems of my own to concentrate on so I didn't pay much attention to it. However, my husband was very upset about it, as they not only denied him the opportunity to grieve appropriately but also the decision whether or not to attend the funeral.
Fastforward a few years and his granddad is in bad health and generally expected to die soon.
I specifically talked to my MIL earlier, begging her to at least this time let her son know about the passing so he can plan accordingly, as this was his only living grandparent left. She promised me to do so and eventually spoke to him, a day before the funeral was to be held. We were under the impression that his granddad died on that day they spoke to us and they somehow managed to organise the funeral extremely fast on the next day. Of course my husband couldn't attend at such a short notice but at least we were glad that they notified him.
I was a bit surprised however how could they have managed to organise the funeral so fast, in like 24 hours. And decided to talk to my MIL again a few days later after the grieve has subsided a bit. Only to find out, not really to my surprise sadly, that my husband's granddad actualy passed away earlier, they didn't tell us on the day, but rushed to organise the funeral to make sure my brother in law can attend, as he was going to be away shortly after.
So they changed their plans to make sure one of their children attends the funeral of their grandparent, but made sure the other one won't be able to.

AIBU to be fuming at that? It left me feeling they have ostracised us and don't want us to feel part of this family.

But I am also angry because this is the second time she has taken the decision instead of her son whether or not he should attend his grandparent's funeral (not even including me in the picture) by generally leaving him with no choice because there is no time. They didn't even talk to us about that - I found out that there was a possibility of my husband being able to attend but they decided against it because it would mean my brother in law wouldn't be able to.
Basically they have consistently chosen one of their children over the other without even letting us know, as if we are not part of this family.
Every time we meet in summer, my in-laws always make such an effort to show us that they are organising things for us, we are welcome, etc but I can't but feel it's fake.

I am hurt about that and not sure if I should bring the subject at all with her (not immediately of course) and how to proceed with them. They make me feel that they say one thing but their actions don't support it.
I also feel that it might be my fault because they think that I am the reason they couldn't have been as close to their grand children (our DCs) as they are to their other grand child (our nephew, who lives a few houses away from them). However, the situation was completely different both times - their own age and working situation, distance, etc, and I stand by my decisions of how much time my children were able to spend without us with their grandparents, in a different country.
I don't feel that they have the right to hold grudge at me about that. And even less so to be affected by these feelings towards me to deny their own son the right to attend his last grandparent's funeral.

I needed to lift that off my chest. 😩

I don't think yabu at all.

How close is their other son to his grandfather? Not that it excuses him but I wonder if they chose him going as more important if he was a lot closer to the grandfather since the rest of the family seem really close.

Was your husband not in contact with his grandmother before her death, via phonecalls etc seeing as it was three months before you knew? From what you've said it seems like you're not in contact as much as you maybe could and that reflects on his mother's opinion of you.

Next year, when they ask when you're going to visit, say "oh sorry, we spent a fortnight in (lovely resort destination in their country) last month. Didn't we mention it? Oh well, never mind, see you next year"

First of all, I don't think it's for you to bring up with your MIL at all. Your DH can speak to his mother about how he is feeling. His family sounds a bit strange, not letting him know for months when his grandmother died is very odd.

Secondly, I can understand the MIL wanting her other son to be able to attend the funeral if they all live near each other and see each other all the time, he was probably a lot closer to his grandparents.

YANBU that's awful. I had an aunt like that. She didn't tell my DF that my DGM was in hospital dying until after she'd passed. That was 15 years ago. Since then, that has turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. Of course your DH would want to go to his DGF's funeral, he would have been an important fixture in his childhood even if he'd drifted away a bit since he became an adult. In my culture (a culture of a lot of immigrants) it's very very common for even extended family to fly home for a family funeral if they can.

People like your MIL are just terrible.

Not letting your adult child know about the death of a grandparent is just really strange behaviour.
Prioritising the local son who was probably closer to them I can understand, but if you had been given more notice it sounds like they could both have attended.
We have a similar but less extreme dynamic with local siblings feted whilst we are ignored.

Does the country they live have a different attitude to death? My DMIL died recently here in Italy and the funeral was the two days afterwards, which is very normal here. They went through the motions of organising the funeral so quickly, I want to say almost blasé but that's not really the word I'm looking for. I found it very weird coming from UK. No hymns, no crying, (apart from me) no cars, no flowers, just a quick few words from the Priest and then it was over and we all went home. Close family from the UK had no chance of making it over, it was all done in a flash.

I do know from personal experience living abroad that out of sight can be very much be out of mind too, unfortunately.

That is absolutely awful we are not a close family but this would never happen. My DH was notified of his estrange fathers ill health immediately and we had lots of updates before he died and we attended his not local funeral. My DH was closer to his grandather who we would visit annually and we were informed again immediately when he became unwell and visited him and attended the not so local funeral. Incredibly hurtful beahviour for you and your DH to navigate.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, we aware and forearmed

He should definitely have been informed both times but you have to accept that if your husband lives in another country from them and his brother lives very close by, they will inevitably be closer to his brother. If the brother had a lot to do with the grandfather and your husband didn't then it is right that in a choice between two dates that suit one or other of them, the date that suits the brother most should be chosen. In relation to the grandmother, your husband was not in contact with her and seemingly didn't ask after her for several months and so he can not retrospectively claim to be close to her.

It’s weird not to keep him informed, but other than that no it’s fine. You’re over reaching to blame it on anything other than living in a different country. You can’t be part of their day to day lives. That means you won’t be as present in their thoughts, you won’t be the people they organise their lives around- except during your visits which you’ve said they explicitly do make every effort for.

So it all sounds normal to me, apart from your husband not asking after his grandmother for months.

Whilst I think it unacceptable that the news was kept from your DH both times, he can't have been so close to his GM if he didn't know for a few months. I accept he could maybe not visit too often if you live in another country, but why could he not telephone her, or even write to her?

I think if you can't be arsed to visit someone when they're ill, you shouldn't expect to attend their funeral and cry some "crocodile tears" (as my mum would call it) when they're dead. That said, it's your DH's job to raise it with his parents, not yours.

This is totally bonkers.

Who on earth doesn't inform the family when grandparents die. 'Whoops we forgot to mention grandma died'. Who seriously does that?!!

OF course you should say something - or your DH.

It is really odd.

But your DH’s relationship with his grandparents sounds strange too - am I reading it right that he didn’t even ask how she was for months before she died? Why was that?