Unreasonable? Help!

[Unreasonablequest]

So, my husband has a long history of not paying bills then using the money for other things, long story with lots of debt - anyway he said (in August) he had booked a holiday for November for us (and kids) which we now can’t go on for various reasons. He claimed a refund was sent back to him which he’s now using for bills. I don’t think it was ever booked and he’s just using his monthly salary for bills, he claims he couldn’t find the original booking receipt and now says I’m being unreasonable asking for proof of the refund which he insists he won’t show me. Am I unreasonable…?!

You know you’re not BU. Has he got a gambling or more debt than he’s told you about problem? You either need total or joint control of finances

Is the holiday cancelled because you can’t afford to go? Or for other reasons unrelated?

Gambling or up his nose in the first place.

Leave. This will never get any better.

Can’t afford it

Loads of debt, constant issues with getting back on track with money

You're clearly not BU - showing you a cancellation email or a refund transaction into his bank is hardly an issue, it should just be a simple screenshot of something.

He's only kicking up a fuss with something to hide.

Is there a reason you're putting up with this long history? I think him trying to turn it round on you is an issue too!

He’s not talking to me as he thinks I am showing a lack of trust. As for putting up with it, I don’t know, I’m just trying to sort it, the money is the only problem.

As for putting up with it, I don’t know, I’m just trying to sort it, the money is the only problem.

It isn't the only problem though is it? There's also lack of trust, resentment, lies, anger, contempt. How are you going to fix those too?

Ask him to agree with you dealing with all monies for 6 months. If the debt gets cleared and life is better then it can stay your responsibility.. My dh is on the spectrum and has absolutely no sense when dealing with money. So I do it. Makes for a more harmonious life.

Do you need the original booking? Surely you'll be able to see the refund going into his bank account...

I might be being a bit dense here but how does this situation benefit him? Either he did pay for the holiday and get a refund or he didn't but he's financially in the same situation isn't he?

I’ve confronted him, it wasn’t paid, there’s more debt, it’s a much bigger problem than the money.

If he's got a long history of being untrustworthy about money then you'd be a fool to nevertheless trust him about money. It's not that you're not showing a lack of trust, it's that he's showing a lack of trustworthiness.

He is deflecting onto you because he has yet again screwed up. And he knows it.
Ur life will not change hun, u either take total control of the bills and his wage, give him a bit of pocket money if possible, and u must take over the rest of it, or live like this for the duration.he doesn't even sound sorry.
He's a liar. Do better for your kids, they don't deserve this and neither do you.
This type
Don't change. Total control or he leaves. You will be better alone. Financial control is a thing.

It’s a mess, I think I knew what the response on here would be, there’s no one I know I can talk to about it so I guess I needed confirmation of a sort before confronting. Not really sure what to do now.

For a start you need to know if you’re going to have your house taken off you, bailiffs etc.
Full financial transparency then you know where you are and can make decisions on financial control, pay back plans, budgeting and perhaps divorce

Ooof sorry OP.

The first thing you do is make a spreadsheet and list all of the debts/income. Then look at maximising your income to see how easy it will be to pay off or whether it's too over whelming. In which case you would need to contact Citizens Advice or Stepchange(?). Look at what you can stop eg gym, Netflix, cheaper broadband, selling his car or getting a cheap runaround.

But the absolute minimum has to be him wanting, agreeing, and sticking to honesty and openness regarding money and not spending a penny without your agreement until the debt is paid off. If he even hints at not wanting to disclose everything immediately, ie showing his bank statements, then it will never work. In which case you need to start thinking about leaving.

How much is it, compared to wages?

This won't get any better. My ex husband had to spend every penny he got and was 10K in debt when we married. I bailed him out umpteen times. I was worried sick. So glad when we split I didn't have to worry any more. He got 10 k off me in the divorce and won money on the lottery which he spent every penny and was back in debt. Get rid or this will just keep happening.

Massive hugs. Debt can be so stressful.

you need to take control even though it’s tough before baliffs come knocking.

arrange for kids to go to family or friends for a day and go through everything. He needs to get his bank statements out and lay it all out. He might fight you on it but then you make it clear that it’s a problem you tackle together or you can tell him that it’s the end of road for the relationship.

you need to protect yourself and your home. A friend discovered after her husband sadly passed away that he had taken out multiple loans and mortgages against the home they owned and she had to sort it all out and sell and downsize as well grieve.

he could be putting your family on the street.
you can set up a standing order from his account to yours as soon as his salary goes in and leave him with some spending money so at least he doesn’t blow through the whole salary by day 3 of the month.

speak to Step Change and citizens advice

I don't understand either, though I can be a bit thick lately, so it might just be me. Why would he lie about booking the holiday? To what end?

You obviously have a big problem with DH due to the deceit. Why is he hiding it? Does he feel like finances are his to manage due to gender roles and so is keeping you out of it, or do you manage your own finances and he’s gambling or something with his?

Going forward you need to get him to sign up to a credit reference check. Credit Karma will have a list of all of his debts and so if he shares them with you you can at least trust you know the whole picture and he’s not trying to minimise the problem still.

Once you have a true picture of finances then seek debt advice. Like someone’s already mentioned, stepchange. They can consolidate and lower your monthly payments to an affordable amount.

Then you need to decide what if you can stay with someone who’s been lying to you and ruining your families financial security. You might want to check if any of the debts are in your name!

I really would be looking to divorce at this point

You are married. He is being completely unreasonable. Money is certainly not your only issue; he is controlling, lying, deceitful, gaslighting and manipulative.
You need to look at your credit report. Is he taking out the debt jointly or in his name? You are married and so are financially linked to him. He definitely owes you clarity and honesty.
Are you in UK? It is easy to find next steps online: Experian, National Debt line, Step Change.
There are some good free courses for you to review finances and help you manage debt, build a gap and look at your future financial planning. Rebel Finance School has a free course on YouTube at the moment. I would highly recommend the course. If you are staying together, you need to have some finance needing where you are communicating with each other. His choices have consequences for your family.

I should imagine it was never booked as you wouldn’t get a refund in you cancel a holiday at short notice x

Unfortunately debt isn't your biggest problem. You have a partner who you can't trust, who lies to you and gaslights you to make you think that your trust issue is your fault not his and who has an addiction that can ruin all of your lives.
If you stay together and support him through this I guarantee that down the line he will resent you for helping him. Your strength shows up his weaknesses and he won't be able to handle it. I wish I could give you some positive advice but I fear your marriage has reached the point of no return. Good luck to you.