To have had enough?

[Overwhelmedisanunderstatement]

I'm just so frickin tired of carrying all the things.

Since the start of September DH has spent almost 30 days away with work or abroad visiting his aging, ill, parents. Work trips are unavoidable. Family is important. Both things mean he needed to go whilst the kids and I stay here for school etc. He's the breadwinner so that has to happen, and we all love his parents and want to help out as much as we can so don't want to begrudge that either.

I'm contracted to work 24 hours a week. I have 16.5 daylight hours without the children and then the rest I fit in once they're in bed whilst also doing the usual chores that come with running a household. There isn't the option to increase DD at nursery (we're on the wait list) so we're doing the best we can with that. There's also swimming, homework, homemade frickin Halloween plans that my kids came up with and need help with, additional random days at school that need planning and organising etc, not to mention playdates, and all the standard cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I'm aware a lot of people do it, nothing special, usually I don't moan, just get on with it, but this last 6 weeks of doing so much of it solo has seriously depleted my batteries. Have been trying to explain to my kids that time is finite and they need to help me prioritise, so we've declined a lot of outings/scaled back our plans but it's still a LOT. Today my son was doing an assembly at school (which needed a costume and props, obvs) which parents were invited to witness and my daughter has a family fun afternoon at nursery so my available hours to work have shrunk by about 2. Tonight I'm meant to be wrapping presents ready to take to DH's family abroad as the postal service has been unreliable in the last few years so have been trying to get everything bought and wrapped before we leave after school tomorrow. I've done all the shopping, thinking, planning and organising. Im expected to pack for everyone tonight as DH will need to work tomorrow and also the car needs to go to the garage before the long journey. I feel that could have happened at another point but DH is something of a last minute larry. He's currently away with work and won't be back till about midnight.

DH's family have asked for a few bits to be brought over (stuff they can't buy there) so I asked, as he was shopping for them anyway could he also get some underwear for DS. But he'a just text to say his work schedule was more hectic than expected this week and as a result he's been prioritising sleep so he hasn't been shopping, but maybe I could go tomorrow as it's my day with the toddler? Honestly I've had to step away from the phone before I go cataclysmic. I understand that when you're working away the days can be long and all encompassing, but it just feels so fucking imbalanced. I have been doing absolutely everything here with children who basically never totally sleep through the night and he has genuinely not managed to do a single thing either for his wider family or us here in this house.

Just needed to rant to the internet void rather than get angry at my spouse. I do understand work trips are a lot, having parents who are slowly on the way out is also really hard and heavy, having young children is a lot. It's a hectic time. We don't have family nearby so we're basically all in. But this failure to pick up some Cadbury biscuits and some pants for a 6 year old seems to have sent me over the edge of reason. I'm really bloody angry!!!

Aware there are probably things I could do/change which would help (ie just buy the pants online or something) but the mood I'm in right now I feel like I'm doing more than enough and the fact that he can't do one tiny thing feels like the straw that has broken the camel.

This sounds a ridiculously difficult situation. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him

This sounds really really hard. And I get that he's doing important things, but so are you and it sounds like there's a bit too much on your plate at the moment.

It sounds hard.

as a result he's been prioritising sleep
When do you get to do that?

1. outsource laundry, cleaning, shopping.
2. Proper convo with DH. He needs to plan ahead. He needs to take a share too.

GET angry at your spouse. He is able to concentrate on one thing, work, because you take care of the other 18,000 things. He needs to take a few things off you and if that means outsourcing certain things like grocery shopping and cleaning, so be it.

In fact, I think you should flatly refuse to buy the biscuits and pants. They were on his to-do list and he unilaterally bumped them onto yours. Fuck that noise. It's his family who want them and I refuse to believe they live in a country in which it is impossible to buy biscuits and pants - they just want the luxury of specific biscuits and pants only available on the UK market. So HE can procure them, as agreed, and if he doesn't get round to it, his family will have to go without them. He only does this because you pick up his slack, every time. So this time, DON'T and see what happens.

I understand you ranting to the internet but I'd also be ranting at my husband.
He's doing nothing to help.

This man needs a proper sitting down at the kitchen table talking to. Prior to this talk, he needs to promise to listen to you for at least 5 minutes without interruption. You know all his needs, but he must be told the simple truth about yours. You are at breaking point. He absolutely must be made to understand that things have to change. Being 'the bread winner' does not entitle him to organise family life to only suit him. He needs to step up and prioritise his wife and children.

You do not have to do all things OP.

Let the ball drop:

Unfortunately you are unable to make the nursery family fun day because you have to work.
DH didn’t pick up the biscuits or wrap the presents, so unfortunately they will have to go without or receive them late.
Sadly, you do not have time to find/make a costume for the school assembly so the school will have to put something together. You cannot attend, same as many other parents, because you have to work.

It’s time to start saying no and telling your DH he has to step into the gap. It’s non-negotiable.

Don't work yourself into the ground. Trying to achieve everything will make you ill.
Its okay to let something not happen or say no. Have a chat with dh and write all the jobs and hours out so he understands exactly what is on your plate. Then prioritise the list
together. Agree what stays and what goes. Many dh haven't a fuckin clue what's involved. dont understand how many plates are spinning.
If no luck then Prioritise Your Sleep and spend a day in bed and let it all fall to pieces around you

I've just read these replies and balled my eyes out. I'm not usually an emotional person, but having people reply saying that isn't not in my head that this is hard really hit me.

Usually when DH is here he does the shopping, cooking, lunch boxes etc so it's more balanced. He also does bedtimes and a few school runs a week so I can start work early/late and get my hours in. But with him not being here it's been a lot to pick up. I know he's feeling the strain that work has been hectic, and the stuff with his parents is weighing heavily on him. Have been trying to be supportive from this end. Getting the weekly shop delivered would help. We live so close to the supermarket I hadn't really considered it. But that way I could do it when the kids are in bed. Sensible suggestion @Pistachiochiochio and @FetchezLaVache , thank you. The pants, unfortunately, are for DS. However we can also pick those up abroad when we're there, doesn't need to be done in advance. Bit more breathing space then. Think it was more the principle of it which sent me over the edge.

DH's standard is to do things last minute rather than planning ahead. He's like it at work too which is why all these trips have culminated in one hectic quarter rather than being spread out. In our house an example would be that he would have couriered the Christmas presents in the last few days before they needed to be there, whereas I do things in advance and cheaply (getting them ready early so we can take them with us and save the postage costs). Basically bring it on myself to do the extra work. But money is tight atm (hence not signing DD up for the 4th day at nursery until we realised that actually we're genuinely not managing without it, and cancelling the cleaner 😭) so doing things on a budget has become a necessity. It's not something DH is used to or good at, and nagging feels like yet another thing on the to do list.

@RomeoRivers I think I will forgo the family afternoon, you're right. Just feel horrid knowing the kids would be looking for us and we're not there. But many parents work as you say. Haven't missed one in the last 6 years, think I can get one free pass.

@Caroparo52 I have done that a bit this week (like right now for example, sat on the sofa with a coffee looking at this thread rather than doing something productive, it actually feels very luxurious!), have been doing the work I needed to get done and then going to bed. The result however is that my house looks like a teenagers bedroom. There's laundry, washing up, paper mache projects, halloween costumes everywhere etc. So also want to get that sorted before we leave as it's nice to come home to a tidy house after a trip away.

He's got another 2 work trips and 1 family trip in November, then we all get 2 weeks off together at home over Christmas with nowhere to be and no work. I can't wait.

Just tell him he needs to do this, no arguments, as you simply can’t.

He’ll figure it out.

I did reply with 'Nope I am absolutely at the limit of my capacity' and he's said 'Okay I'll do my best'.

So let's see!

Op I have been where you are. In my case I pulled out of the entire trip and reached the end of my tether. I said to dh he can go with children but I need a weekend in the bath and in bed. I was ready to leave tbh and I think he could sense that I really meant every bloody word.

He cancelled everything and took it very seriously, took the following Monday off. Sourced cleaning help. We stocked the freezer with emergency meals. We choose weekends when he was back and booked a spa break, a family holiday. We devised a meal
plan and rolling shopping deliveries.

We put family visits on the back burner and the children sent pictures and cards instead.

It didn’t happen again as we continued to prioritise well being and rest breaks over all else. If you can’t function nor can anything else. So don’t hold back - tell dh exactly how you are feeling and what HE needs to do to help.

Edit: I misread your post sorry.

I’m going to sound unsympathetic here but how do you think us lone parents cope? At least you have his income and he’s still around.

Been waiting for this. I included a comment to say 'hats off to the single parents out there' originally, but previously I've been totally roasted for saying that so I took it out. However I would argue that it is possible to both cope with something and also be able to admit that some days it's bloody hard! The fact that some people do it day in, day out is, in my opinion, admirable. I'd also suppose you're perpetually knackered, and either extremely organised or very practiced at prioritising. If it was just me all the time I wouldn't have signed up to half the stuff that's been going on. My sister has been a single mum most of her adult life and made it look blissfully easy. She has 3 kids as well. Blows my mind when I'm struggling to cope with 2 with a partner in tow. I never assumed I was going to be good at this role of motherhood, or marriage tbh. In fact for a long time I tried to avoid it as I thought I wouldn't be up to par. Maybe that some people do it so incredibly well solo is a sign that I was right. You have nothing but my respect.

It’s one thing to be a single parent full time (super hard and must be exhausting), but it is just as hard when you are used to a level of support and then suddenly it isn’t there.
I have only had one week with less support in the morning than usual and I am behind on everything, but as there is in an end in sight I am keeping stress free. I hope everything important gets done and you manage to prioritise and things go back to normal for you soon!
Definitely stop picking up DHs slack for presents etc and make sure you prioritise what is important to you whether that is work or kids events. And when things go back to normal make sure you get some rest and relaxation it sounds like it has been well earned!