I left H about 5 months ago with our child aged 10. I'd fallen out of love, had an emotional affair which he couldn't get past and led to a lot of angry outbursts towards me (which I do completely get.) The last straw for me was about 6 months after the affair when on another 'make or break' holiday H had a tantrum at me at the train station and said he wasn't coming, which really upset dc, and a week or so later after he was nasty to dc at a celebration meal out, I left and moved back near family, without warning because I thought he'd react really angrily to me saying I was leaving. I returned to pack my and dc's stuff a month or so later and set us up in our new place. At no point did H come and see us, he just sent me messages periodically ranging from very upset to very angry and threatening me with financial stuff in a divorce. H and I have had good times but many bad times - he doesn't bother with cleaning or household stuff beyond cooking which he enjoys, he doesn't cultivate any hobbies or interests, he is a stresshead and he needs a lot of 'me time' which consists of gaming/scrolling his phone and dc has picked up on his disinterest and mentioned it a few times. He is a very good provider but he also uses money as a weapon eg. moving money out of joint accounts when he is angry with me. Worst of all he is a sulker and has been all dc's life, he has sulked on holidays/days out/celebrations and locked himself in the room or gone to bed and started ignoring us both over a trivial disagreement.
However. Neither of us filed for divorce in the past 5 months, we have been in touch and met up a couple of times near him, and we are both really sad and have times of missing our family life. However he gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't come back he would file for divorce and I decided to come back. This was largely influenced by the fact that dc is going through a tough time (entering puberty, but also hasn't settled well in new school and misses friends and her dad), and I felt like i was being selfish with dc and H being so upset because of a decision i made.
Since we have been back H has been very 'off' with me, has continued to scroll on his phone, still seems as angry just under the surface as he did when we were living together. He has 2 weeks holiday left to take this year and can wfh at will and yet he hasn't taken any days off to spend with us even over half term. Here, the family home was absolutely filthy when we returned despite the fact I did a deep clean and sort when I was last here, to make it nice for H. I'm talking encrusted durt in the kitchen, dustballs visible all over the living room, limescale ridden toilet, filthy kitchen bin, rotting food in the fridge, furniture pulled out and askew, cat litter tray full. The garden me and dc used to look after was shocking- weeds, litter everywhere, dirty patio. He didn't even make the house nice for our return that he insisted on for so long. It seemed intentional (although he is totally incompetent on the cleaning front.) He hasn't even bothered to take the elderly cat to the vet and he is now very overdue.
He has now told me that he is 'really happy' we are back, but that i have to give him time as he has been alone for so long. He blames all our issues on my affai and I feel he always will. I feel like a total mug to be honest. My gut is telling me that we are OVER and it was a mistake to come back, however sad everybody was at the situation. I had a small but nice flat rented (I still have it, as i had to prepay rent) and dc didn't have to live with H's moods. I know that H will never forgive me for the emotional affair and fair enough, but why did he want us back? He could have just moved on. I don't love him and i am done grovelling. I've spent days cleaning the place and doing chores and H doesn't even seem to like me. I notice how dc is following him around the house for attention, something she has always done, and it kills me now it's so obvious. She deserves better. We both do. I made a mistake and yes i left him but i am not a monster. I was a good wife and mother for years.
WIBU to tell him it's over and file for divorce?