Am I deluding myself?

[LostAndExhausted]

We have been together 3 years. I am 37 and have no children. He is 41 and has 2 children from a previous relationship (aged 15 and 21). He sees his children every week (whenever they drop by his house for sleepovers/dinners/weekends away, as they live round the corner from his house).

He is very clear (and has repeated back to me) on my absolute desire to be a mother, for us to naturally conceive, if possible, a child together. He tells me he wishes for this too, though ultimately his desire is for him to 'be happy, whatever that may look like' i.e. with me or not, another child or not.

I respect his conviction that he only have another child with someone who he is satisfactorily sure he would not split up from, meaning therefore that he would then to share access to his child if there was a separation. We have had ups and downs, the latter of which have been serious enough at times to call into question the future of the relationship though we have always stayed together, I believe due to the love we have for each other and the mutual knowledge that our egos can play a part in our fights. I have now developed quite significant anxiety, and for the first time in my life I am on sleeping tablets, as a result of the lack of clarity I receive from him about where I stand with him and whether I should keep being hopeful about his thoughts about having a child with me. I feel that my future is on hold while he continues to wait and see, while he continues to enjoy his close relationships with his two existing children, while my fertility declines with my increasing age. In recent months we have had unprotected sex which he is fully consenting to and informed of, and, when I then say I am confused when he subsequently says he does not know how he feels about the future of our relationship and chooses not to have unprotected sex with me, he becomes angry. I have told him I feel he has sent me mixed signals regarding unprotected sex when he knows my unadulterated desire to have children, however he then accuses me of criticising him.

I have made it clear to him that my conviction is to get pregnant with someone I love and who I fully intend to share all child-rearing with, forever. I have lost count of how many times I have told him I love him. I have made it clear that I want to get pregnant with him. I am the child of 2 parents who fought frequently and whom I never witnessed resolving any conflict healthily and that has no doubt scarred me and made me certain that I would not conceive a child with someone I did not feel safe fighting with or whom I did not feel we would resolve a conflict healthily.

I would be grateful for any thoughts/ other considerations I should take on this matter.

I have now developed quite significant anxiety, and for the first time in my life I am on sleeping tablets, as a result of the lack of clarity I receive from him about where I stand with him and whether I should keep being hopeful about his thoughts about having a child with me.

This relationship is no good for you. It sounds like having a baby is important to you - you need to find someone who WANTS to have a baby, not someone who might go along for the ride.

It reads to me like he doesnt want a baby. Sorry op.

Yes you are deluding yourself. You really think someone who is almost child free(as in having almost adult children) would want to do that all over again?

He may possibly want to be with you, but won't step up to be the father you think he tells you. You're wasting precious time with him.

I've known a few women who were strung along for years by men like this, only to be traded in for a younger model as soon as their fertility ran out. He couldn't care less about what you feel, he's just suiting himself.
Dump him as quickly as you can and find someone who actually loves you.

You're wasting your time, love, and fertility with this man. You'd be better off splitting and getting a sperm donor - and I don't say that lightly, I know a few women who have done just that rather than waiting for the next relationship that may or may not work out. Don't let him waste your fertile years.

He can't even decide if you're the one he wants - he just wants his own happiness with you or not, with kids or not.

I worked with one woman who was in love with a slightly older man with two kids. He wasted her years. She's now in her late 40s, childless not through choice, and emotionally devastated. He's running his charity and no one is any the wiser of the pain he's caused.

Run.

It sounds quite clear to me that he isn’t particularly interested in having another child. With a 15 year old and a 21 year old I sort of understand why he might feel that way.

I would end the relationship as you want different things. I suspect if you did fall pregnant the relationship would turn sour anyway.

I had similar issues and decided to go solo rather than wait for a magical man to come along. The problem in your 30s is that the good ones or taken or they have kids and don’t want any more. And that clock ticks louder and louder past 35.

Why would you want to have a baby with this person?

At 37 you don’t have time to waste, leave him.

Sorry, but if he wanted to have a child with you, he would be saying so clearly by now. It has been 3 years together, and you are 37. Agreeing to unprotected sex isn't the same thing as setting a shared goal. Also it raises the horrible thought: might he have had a vasectomy after his second child?
I hope it works out for you OP.

This is what I did. My last proper relationship ended at 34. He “wasn’t ready” despite being in his late 30s. Didn’t find anyone decent. Turned 35 and the clock was ticking. I said if I wasn’t with anyone decent by 35 I’d go alone and know a lot of women that have now taken this route. It’s not ideal and not the route I would have wanted, but it was that or end up childless.

So many useless men string women along and then they’ve wasted their fertile years.

You did an amazing thing, it's so important that we as women take control of our own fertility. Men don't have that clock ticking, and so many of them can't comprehend what it's like to see the years slipping away and the dream becoming smaller and smaller. And many don't care anyway.

It definitely can't be easy, especially the early parts of actually going through the process, but it's an option that gives us the chance to have the lives we want, albeit maybe a little differently. I've got one friend who did it in her 20s, her daughter is a young woman now and she's fierce. Their bond is beautiful.

How has your experience been of going it alone?

agree with others this guy is wasting your fertile years.

you should also read back your OP -the writing is on the wall, it’s not good he is causing you a lot of distress and I am not at all surprised it’s making you anxious.

Great. I’ve been really open about it and never had any negative comments. I’m sure people on Mumsnet will tell me I’m a terrible selfish person, but in real life everyone has been supportive. There is a HUGE community of women doing it solo.

The thing is, at any point he can and will walk away while saying 'well you knew my thoughts'
Baby causing sleepless nights, hormonal pregnancy, less money, more responsibility, if he's not happy will he just walk away?

OP I'm willing to bet if you finished the relationship your anxiety will soon dissipate.

I have been a lone parent for 15 years, I'd do it again given the choice.

A decent career and financial independence helped.

If you want a baby then this isn’t the man for you.

Agree with @Hellskitchen24 OP. The women I know who've done it have had endless support from friends and family. No one says a word, and no one has raised an eyebrow within our groups of friends.

What we did do was make sure they had a bit extra support where we could. During the early days I remember cooking vats of soup for one friend. But even if you aren't in a position for that depending on your friend group, it doesn't matter. Like pp said there's communities out there and you might even find local women who have done the same thing.

Please put yourself first. The fact he's stressed you to sleeping pills is awful!

I think that he is just going to keep delaying and delaying until the decision is made of him because you are no longer fertile.

Yes you are deluding yourself.

Deluding yourself that he will eventually be ready for a baby while you still can.

Deluded that you can keep repeating that you love him and that will enough to convince him you won’t ever split up.

And until he is confident you won’t split up, he doesn’t want a child. But there’s not anything you can do to convince him of that.

You are even deluding yourself that you won’t ever split up. Only recently, issues have led to you questioning the relationship.

You say you want a child but all your actions and behaviour aren’t the actions of someone who really wants a child and is actively pursing it. Quite the opposite

If you anxiety is purely down to the relationship, then it's unhealthy and you really need to leave.

People who really want children know they do. If he wanted another, it would be clear. He doesn't and it is unstanfavly give he has two older ones.

Nobody's fault but it means you are incompatible.

To continue the relationship isn't right of either of you.

In terms of going it alone, all I can say about the mum's I know who did is that they are among some of the best mothers I know. They took time of their decision, weighed it all up, recognised where they would have to make sacrifices, impact on income/career etc. Some of the happiest people I know.

As one friend said "I can find a man at stage in life, I can't always have a child. If he's the right man, he won't have an issue either it".