To stop contacting him!

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hi all, will try keep this short.

growing up I never knew my bio dad. He cheated on my mum when she was pregnant and got another woman pregnant. Neither woman stayed with him. I think the lack of contact with a mix of my mum being incredibly hurt and not wanting him around to see me, but he should have tried harder. He married someone else and had more kids.

my Mum never talked about him. I am a naturally very curious person but was too scared to ask much. I knew his name and other details and that he online lived a few miles away. He was never hard to find. I always wanted to meet him and maybe get some closure and answers but was always too scared to do it if my mum reacted. But I couldn’t miss what I never knew. I didn’t have the most perfect childhood, it wasn’t terrible, I was loved but there was a lot of trauma in it still. It went from one extreme to another.

but I finally did it this year. I contacted him, we met up a couple times. He said that it made him really happy I had contacted. He had stayed away because he knew my mum was trying to protect me and that he wasn’t the best father to the kids he lived with either. He always prioritised work and nights out etc. he also told me he was abandoned by own his parent. He also said he was scared of contacting me and getting rejected. I did contact him a few years ago and he did say he didn’t want to meet then.

he seemed really nice when I met him. Told me he really loved my mum but made mistakes and that his wife didn’t want him seeing me or my mum or his other baby mum he cheated with but my half sibling did have some contact with him as a kid, I didn’t.

I must say I’m not looking for a dad, I’m looking for maybe a friendship, answers and closure. I’ve realised life is too short.

anyway, I feel like he doesn’t want to see anymore. He only lives a few miles away. we’ve arranged to meet a few times recently and then he says he can’t due to work. He’s clearly committed to his work and I admire a hard worker but clearly it’s more important than me. He’s his own boss so flexible.

he doesn’t always reply to textes anymore so I don’t text him. Sometimes he rings me but only when he’s not with his wife.

I’ve met his spouse. She knows about me, she seemed nice but I’m not sure.

do I just not bother? I don’t want to make a big fuss of saying oh yeah I’m not gonna contact you again but maybe just don’t bother messaging him. I feel like chasing something, I only message once every week or two so not obsessively or anything. He takes days to reply.

I feel vulnerable as a child he wasn’t around to let me down. Now I feel worse as he goes hot and cold all the time. I don’t know where I stand!

He's made a lot of excuses why he never tried to see you as a child, I think you need to protect yourself and come to terms with the fact that he will always let you down. He wasn't and isn't a good father and I don't think that will ever change.

I think by his behaviour he is telling you that while it was good to find about about you and what you are doing it’s your life, he isn’t really that interested in being a parent or steady fixture in your life. He has a history of poor parenting and sadly this won’t change and you will be let down at some point.

You have satisfied your curiosity to understand who your bio dad is / what he has done with his life so I would now let it drop. You don’t need to do anything proactive like want to talk it through with him (won’t achieve anything other than cause you pain) or block him. Just mirror his behaviour don’t initiate texts or proactively contact him - let him go.

I feel for you. My father was exactly the same. I could always go visit him if I wanted to but he never initiated contact, and never made an effort to contact me. It just wasn't in him. I had minimal contact when I was a child, when he had a girlfriend who would do the foot work, but usually he was absent.

The truth is he just didn't care about me or being my parent. He had a lot of his own issues, anger and I'm guessing adhd. He was very hectic and quite spiteful. I always mourned him, why didn't he want me?

He died in the summer. From alcohol related illness. He was barely 60 years old. I mourned him in my own way, and still do. But I'm mourning a parent who could have been, not the man he was.

Unless you've been through it I don't think you can ever understand what it's like to be rejected by a parent. It sucks, it is confusing and it hurts! But it's not you, I promise.

Luckily my dad is dead so I don't have to deal with the rejection anymore.

I stopped making an effort about 5 years ago, but I never stopped caring.

Thanks all. In some ways I wish I never bothered but at least I thought now. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but maybe just not cut out for it. I am confused because he said he was so happy we’ve had contact a while ago, said he’d always be here for me now and he regrets his decisions, now barely any contact.

not helped that I’m not overly close to my mum. It’s not that we don’t get on, it’s just we have nothing in common and very different personality wise and don’t share common interests. my grandad who was like my father passed away a few years ago and I’m just feeling a bit meh!

Sounds like you're better off without him and can focus your energy on other relationships in your life. But doesn't mean that you can't feel disappointed.

OP, it takes a special man to be a great parent when they weren't parented well themselves.

Men are often not reflective and poor at self awareness and putting the effort in to evolve and grow beyond their background and environment.
He sounds like this.
Its not about you, but him.
Think about therapy to help you accept your past.

He’s shown you exactly the sort of man he is, unreliable, tells you what you want to hear and probably a liar.

Now you have met him, you can make an informed decision about whether you want to try to forge a meaningful relationship with him. I’d suggest trying for that will just cause you more pain & stress so you’d be better off walking away and treating him like an acquaintance.

I fully expect that if there ever comes a then he wants something from you he will be back in touch.

I absolutely feel for you as I’ve been there. It’s very hard to accept rejection from a parent. I’ve felt it from both my parents, although I do still see my mum but it’s very difficult. My grandparents were my parent figures. I also lost my grandad recently which allowed me to reflect even more on my situation. Some people are just not cut out to be parents and you can’t change them. For me, realising and accepting this actually gave me a lot of relief but it still bloody hurts. A lot.

This will be especially difficult for you with having lost your proper father figure in your grandad. It’s natural that you’d want to fill that void, but unfortunately you haven’t been able to. And you know yourself, you’d never want to or be able to replace the relationship you had with your grandfather, who sounds like he was there for you rather than your dad. I’m a firm believer in that being a father and a dad are two very different roles. Don’t feel cross with yourself for trying, you made the effort, you did what you could, so you can never regret that you didn’t try hard enough.
it’s hard but I think you’ll need to learn to accept he is never going to be the father you want - you’ve managed this far without him, you don’t need him now. You need to protect yourself and step away.

Good luck OP, you’re not alone. You’ll get through this.