Should Dad be spending Christmas with his daughter?

[SoAiNa]

I've put this under AIBU? But technically I'm asking the opposite, I'm actually wondering if I'm too laid back? Me and my Ex share a daughter aged 7. We separated when she was 1 and have both been with our current partners for over 5 years. Up until afew years ago my ex spent every Christmas with me and my family (me and my partner have two kids of our own). Meanwhile his fiance alternates between being home for Christmas or visiting family away. This ment when she went away my ex would spend Christmas day with us before usually returning to an empty house which to me seems really sad. (he could go see his family but they don't get on very well) so more recently, he's begun travelling with his fiancé at Christmas when she goes away meaning he doesn't see his daughter. Honestly I understand he does it, we make plans before Christmas for a big family day out and when he gets home he usually takes our daughter for a night or two to spend some extra time with her. But some people are shocked he's choosing to leave her and not see her at Christmas and think he's being unreasonable. It doesn't upset my daughter so I'm not fussed but should I be? I'm sure if I spoke to him he'd consider staying but would it be fair to him? In an ideal world his fiance wouldn't go away and they'd both be welcome to spend Christmas with us but she doesn't seem to see this as an option. Which again I do some what understand considering most of her family live away but should she have took this into consideration when deciding to take on a man with a child? I'm probably overthinking based on comments from others tbh 😅

Why are you even thinking about what others think. If the arrangements work for everyone concerned and nobody is upset about them then crack on....

You set up is unusual in that most separated couples do have their children alternate Christmases and I do think you should perhaps prepare yourself mentally for this eventuality once his fiancee becomes his wife and they potentially start their own family

I think if this is normal for your child and she has other Christmas celebrations to do with her dad, then it's fine. And it certainly avoids arguments or her missing tradition A when she's at place B etc. Personally, I think children are much less fussed about this stuff IF the parents take a casual approach to it. What's important is that she feels loved and valued by her dad and if he regularly does special christmas things with her, then great, that's a big tick surely.

Your daughter has siblings seems only right she spends Christmas with them. Seems to me you and your ex are centring your daughters needs, so well done!!

Everyone else should mind their own business.

Just to take this a step further.... in DH's family, it's absolutely imperative to celebrate birthdays on the day or the weekend after. No other dates are acceptable. The idea of a party or celebration BEFORE a birthday literally makes them all break out in a cold sweat. And a delayed celebration is not great either.

In my family, birthdays are celebrated at the time that is most convenient and preferable for everyone and that could be the actual day, the weekend before, the weekend after or even, by agreement, at an entirely different time - eg my Dad's birthday party being a month before his birthday when we were all actually in town. Similarly, because my parents children are scattered all over the world, it is completely normal for us to celebrate christmas on days that are not, in fact, christmas if that makes sense logistically. Admittedly, as children, father christmas was always on christmas morning, but it wasn't entirely unusual when a bit older to have a big Christmas lunch the following day if that worked out best.

Him visiting with you was unusual as most parents alternate the holidays but what works for the child is the best option.

It’s unreasonable that you think the only option is for the child to be with you and the father is the one who has to bend significantly to see her on Christmas Day.
Why can’t she be with him one Christmas?

It’s not normal for the only way for the father to see his child is for him and his partner to go to his ex’s house for the day. That’s not a fair expectation.

What is unusual is to have spend Christmas together for so long.

You are not fighting over who is spending the actual Christmas day with her, that's lovely! Maybe she'll be spending some Christmases just with him in the future, why not.

The comments are stupid, you are both in agreement, there's no drama, it's perfect!

All this fuss about Christmas Day itself being so special (not you, I mean in general) can be quite destructive. His daughter will see him another day in the Christmas period, she has a lovely celebration with family to enjoy, and she doesn't mind him not being there and you sympathise with his reasons for going. It is nothing to do with anyone else.

It's a bold assumption to think I'm making my ex to bend significantly to see his daughter on Christmas day 😅 tbh it's never been discussed as the other way round as my ex lives with his partner and her mother and brothers so since they don't have their own place and it's only the two of them so it just makes more sense for them to come to ours seeing as we also have two young children My partner is even the one to go pick up and drop off since neither of them drive too. So it's not exactly a chore for him. In the future if they get there own place they have said they would be open to hosting us and if they have their own kids we would still all spend Christmas together as they've said they wouldn't travel with little ones so it wouldn't be a problem then.

We've already spoken about if they were to have kids they wouldn't travel so we would just take turns hosting at that point 😊 if opinion on that was to change I think by that point my daughter would be old enough to decide where she wants to be and we would respect that too.

If it doesn't bother anyone I don't really see why what your ex is doing would be a problem for you.

I can understand completely why his fiancé wouldn't want to spend the entire day around you and your family, not in a horrible way it's just that it probably isn't her idea of fun.

Either alternate Christmas each year or have two Christmas Day celebrations for the child.

His fiance comes around when she's not travelling 😅 funnily enough we're old school friends so we get on quite well. They're welcome to stay as long or as little as they like and when she's home they usually don't stay for lunch which I think is a fair preference on her part whereas if she's away he used to stay all day before he started going with her which. I'm pretty easy with whatever they want to do providing my daughter is happy 😊

It sounds like everyone is being sensible and reasonable in your extended family - how lovely for your children. Anyone else needs to butt out - why is it their business?

And to clarify "anyone else" I mean the people in real life who are begging on OP. Not mumsnetters weighing in