To not allow my sons dad to come to appointments, sports day etc

[thecherryfox]

Tw: abuse and I apologise for the length, I guess I needed context

Background: My son’s dad was abusive, including when I was pregnant. I fled when pregnant and didn’t allow contact due to the abuse and his threats of unaliving me when pregnant and telling me I was just the incubator and I should say goodbye to my child whilst he was in me because I was never going to see him again when he was born. Obviously no sane person would allow contact. He took me to court and courts enable abusers and gave him everything he asked for (every other weekend). I am terrified when my child goes there as I cannot protect him if his dad abuses him too, the entire reason of why I left.

anyway, my issue is that almost 6 years later, I still have severe ptsd/cptsd from the abuse I endured. This is made worse by the fact that courts enabled him and when I asked for a third party to do handovers on my behalf, ex said he ONLY wanted to see me and courts ordered ‘NO third party allowed’. I also have to communicate with him and I just feel on edge as I cannot escape. Our son is on the pathway of being diagnosed with autism among other medical issues. His dad keeps trying to tell me that he’s his dad and he has a right to be at the medical appointments with me. I’m our sons main carer, I have him 27 days a month in comparison to his dads 3. I know all the information for the appointments. If his dad was there, I would be too anxious and scared to be able to communicate with the relevant people - so I have continued to deny his dad access to these appointments. He would not have anything to add and he would just be getting the information that I communicate with him via text anyway. I know I would try to speak and he would ‘correct’ me and berate me after the appointments.

i have also denied sports day and plays for the same reason, I don’t want my abuser to ruin the experience of me having to have panic attacks and leaving the room because his dad is there and me not be able to experience this time with my son. Plus, he’s never even stepped foot in our child’s school (he refused to do pick up or pay for childcare as he has to ‘work’). So if he cannot do the ‘boring’ things, why should he be entitled to the ‘fun’.

Despite my ptsd because of him, I still communicate and keep him in the loop with my everything concerning our son. But he keeps pushing and pushing and making threats of phoning the school, doctors etc. it’s not because he’s concerned about our son, it’s because he wants control and I’m not giving him that anymore. I am trying to be the best parent for my son as his full time parent, but dealing with his dad is impacting my mental wellbeing. Am I wrong to deny him coming to these even though I update him?

Is he on the birth certificate?

Tell him after you've been ie 'just to let you know I've your son has been to this appt'
Parents meeting at school text him the results etc don't be in the same room as him. Sports days if he doesn't know about it that's his problem just send him pictures afterwards.

when he was born I registered my son without his dad (we wasn’t married) and gave him my surname. But when he took me to court, he got put on there which gave him parental responsibility and they changed the name from my surname to double barrelled. The courts see a dad wanting to be involved and it doesn’t matter if they’re an abuser (with proof), is a druggie (failed MULTIPLE court ordered drug tests 🍁❄️) and had a criminal record, they basically gave him everything he wanted - which was NOT for the safety of my child

You can’t stop him attending school events but you don’t have to facilitate it, you’re not his PA. He can get himself on the school mailing list as he has PR and go to anything he wants to but it doesn’t sound like he’ll bother.

That’s exactly what I do. I feel like I’m pretty reasonable with sending him paragraphs of updates after appointments and meetings and anything regarding our son, even if he’s got a sickness bug - I try to be a good person and keep him updated and so it cannot be used against me that I didn’t keep him updated. Plays and sports day/events at school, I understand his point of view but unless there is two separate events, I wouldn’t be able to cope with him there - he calls me names and has a ‘go’ at me for not allowing him but as stated, I physically would not be able to cope with him being there. He tells me I’m putting my own ‘feelings’ over our son, but I’m doing what’s best for our son by prioritising myself so I can be the best parent I can for him on a day to day basis

Courts think the priority is "fairness" between the parents. Not what's best for the child.

Just don't tell him of things before they happen. In fact don't tell him immediately after either. Set yourself up a system of a monthly newsletter.

If he knows when plays and sports days are you can't stop him going, he's your sons dad, he's entitled to be there and your son is entitled to both parents being there. But that doesn't make it your job to inform him of when they are or get his ticket.

Just disconnect as much as possible. We have a parenting app that we send messages through. It's new so Ex is enjoying the novelty and is messaging more than ever. But 1. He can't delete them. And 2. They're not in my messages so I don't have to see them everytime I talk to someone else. Out of sight, out of mind. And I think once the novelty wears off it'll be the same for him. He'll get bored of going through a specific app just to send a message I won't reply to.

Sounds awful. Unfortunately the school can not prevent him from attending if he has parental responsibility. I know it must be very hard but I would just ignore him if he does attend. If he sees he isn't getting a reaction from you the novelty may quickly wear off.

He has access to the newsletters, emails etc. But then has a go at me because he didn’t attend and I didn’t let him know. I told him he has access to dates and in the future if there are multiple dates of plays he can go to one and I’ll go to another and he refuses to put dates in his calendar, he expects me to be his secretary (I will not, he’s a dad - he can be a parent too). I’m sure he will continue to kick up a fuss about not attending and when it comes to it being multiple dates for him to attend, he’ll have an excuse about him not going because he has ‘to work’

The school stuff isn't for you to facilitate. If he wants to know about parents evenings, sports days, school productions then he contacts the school and asks to be put on the mailing list. If he rocks up you can't stop him but you don't have to sit with him either.

The court has decided that despite any abuse to you it is more probable that he would not abuse his child hence the order and hence specific direction that a third party is not required. This man is trying to step up to be a father to his son. Let him. This has the potential to massively backfire on you in that one day your son will find out that he was trying to be involved in his upbringing and you were trying to prevent him being able to.

You need to let him be involved but you don't need to engage other than provide details and factual information.

Unalived? 🤓

Do as little as possible. I personally wouldn't even communicate with an abusive druggie ex at all. I wouldn't be sending him any updates and if he wants to be involved he can contact the school, doctor etc, provide evidence of who he is and find out any info he wants. Disengage completely and block him. Deal by email only at your own terms.

YANBU. Volunteer nothing, keep communication to a minimum, and have someone accompany you to handover where possible. Blank him where he shows up at school events.

6 years down, 12 to go.

Another saying that you aren't responsible for letting ex know when things are happening. If he's that bothered he'll do the leg work.
He needs the chance to prove himself worthy of calling himself a father by stepping up to the plate. If he fails then you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Get a court approved parenting app.
Do not engage with him at all.
No photos, no information. He has parental responsibility - he can find out anything he needs to know.

You are his ex not his secretary.
If possible take someone with you to drop offs & pick ups.

Arrange everything through the app. (The messages can't be deleted & can be given to court if he's abusive) also you are not having to see his name appear on your phone and triggering you.

Some of the apps have a finance section for shared unexpected exoebses . ie new football boots or whatever

Don't engage with him except on this app.
Send a text/email/lawyers letter to let him know the app will be your only way of communicating from now on.

Grey rock him if he talks to you, if he shows up at events - don't stand with him or sit with him.

Give him not a single ounce of your energy.

Never ever speak to your child negatively about him (I'm sure you don't )
When your child speaks about his dad, use neutral language.
Such as, oh good, that's nice, glad you had a good time, or such like.

I wasn’t sure what terms I’m allowed to use on here. He told me all throughout my pregnancy he was going to kill me, he knows where I live and he was going to get my friends to come and ‘jump’ me and I needed to watch out because I was going to be set on fire. That was among so much other stuff among constant harassment. I would block him and he would create other accounts, he would get his family and friends to harass me and they all would call me awful horrible names, send post to my door, write horrible things on his social media, slash mine and my mums tires. I was terrified that I was going to end up dead before my baby was born. And when my baby was born, he was stalking me. He had a neighbour of mine that he knew and she was watching my every move, including when I left home and came back home and was reporting back to him. The police done nothing because they were just ‘threats’ and he was crafty and had had his mum who was a lawyer and I think they knew the local police because they would not allow me to have a restraining order against him, I begged and begged for help - showed the evidence and they wouldn’t protect me. I went my entire pregnancy in fear thinking I was going to get murdered. Then when my baby was born, I thought he was going to get snatched.

I done everything right to protect my son by leaving when pregnant and courts gave contact to a man like this, reversing my protection I gave my baby - I wish I had ran away. It’s exactly the representation you have, the people you know and the fact that courts see a dad wanting to be involved, regardless what type of person they are. Me and my child was failed badly

Is there anything he has done that could be construed as a safeguarding concern for him to be on school premises?

Some schools facilitate separate parents’ evenings where parents can’t be in the same room. Up to him to sort that though

Can you move really far away from him? Do you have any essential ties to your area? I'd move away as far as possible based on that. When kids are young it's easy to move them schools etc.

This this this!! Take back control.

@Itsmahoneybaloney he could block OP from moving the child miles away. He has PR so can have a say in which school child can go to.

Awful. Didn't realise that but I'd still try.

@thecherryfox can you reach out to a DA charity for free counselling and support. Some have legal clinics who may be able to give free advice etc. They could also send a letter about the communication app being the way forward.

It is horrific what our courts do in the name of 'fairness'.

You've been through so much @thecherryfox best wishes to you.

Op. I was exactly like you. But in all honesty, I don't discount your experience, but once it happens it's OK. My daughters father attended sports day. It was quite clear who the loser was on the day. He sat completely isolated on his own and DD didn't want to speak to or see him despite me saying to her several times she should acknowledge him. None of the school parents cared enough to talk to him and we were sat having a picnic with a large group of us. I ended up having a fantastic time and gave him no thought whatsoever. There's enough people at school events to not have to see or speak to him.
Dd only does one play in reception which he missed as he didn't bother to check the date and in Year 6, and I'll handle that the same. It's him that's the loser and is isolated. DD never wants him there for anything so I don't go out of my way to tell him about her extra curricular stuff but school stuff, if he's there I can deal with it.

Appointments and stuff, where he has parental responsibility that one is a bit more tricky but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell him all of the details unless it's vitally important. He can make his own enquiries with the GP etc to find out information.

Out of interest, what is your sons relationship like with him?

This is 100% about control.
He wants it - because you don't.

Don't tell him about the appointments.

Don't tell him immediately after an appointment.

Give him updates at suitable intervals.

Op... part of it is letting him attend and him looking like a massive dick. My ex has zero communication with school, takes no interest in DDs education and her progress yet expects to be informed of all school events as he'd "love to be there". He's had both me and the headteacher tell him we're not his secretary. From that, the headteacher has been cautiously wary of him.

There would be enough parents in your parent friendship group to support you to not have to see or talk to him.

One of my best friends gave me some great advice in that I should make it easy for him to attend these things as DD grows older she'll get more and more embarrassed by him and actually tell him herself she doesn't want him there.

I know it's traumatising to see the person who abused you and to feel like your experience was invalidated by the Court process, but honestly, give him the rope OP. You can also start to take back some control too by not being worried about him suddenly turning up etc.

Bollocks to this, in the most pure way possible. Respectfully, you clearly speak from a position of ignorance.

OP, your experience mirrors mine spookily. When he took me to court, he tried to pull the parental alienation card which got debunked, but it was a pretty hairy experience. One of his complaints was that I didn't run his diary for him regarding the school and he said I was cutting him out of everything but completely missing the point that the school were just as happy to email him with every single last detail, in the same way they did me, and every other parent at the school. Before anyone jumps over this by saying their school will only send one email to each parent group, many schools email every single parent that will offer them an email and I am certain that under your circumstances your school would too.

I recently participated in the Bristol University study on domestic abuse and Family Court , It was alarming to hear how many of us experience poor decisions made at court level, which seems designed still more towards the other parent and their rights than the care of the children. However, this is changing and Cafcass have already this month changed their website, saying that if there is any sexual abuse being reported to the police towards the other parent (not even the Child, though of course that too) and still currently under review, the automatic starting point is that the other parent will have no access to the child at all. The judge in my case said my ex had been abusive towards me but that they didn't think it would automatically mean he's abusive to the children (even though he had been arrested on several occasions in relation to abuse towards the children). It is sickening that the court still values the so-called rights of a parent, over what should be the priority of rights of a vulnerable child.

Like you, I cannot attend anything Medical or School related with the ex-president because my mind just goes blank. I know it's a trauma response and I hate that it happens because I need to be firing on all cylinders yet the sad truth is that there? Is nothing I can do to make that happen, much as I wanted it to . This is what trauma does and courts should recognise this. He doesn't need to be there.

At beginning I told of every broken nail and sore throat, even haircuts! Because he would complain that he never got a chance to do that and me getting their hair cut was parental alienation. However, after alternate haircuts, he lost interest but it took a couple of years for that to happen. And oddly enough it never happened with things like school uniform fitting or shoe shopping as they grow! This last year I have finally felt free to The independently with the school when the children are off sick and only report to the father if it impacts on his court allocated time with them, which is minimal. It took me awhile to build up the courage to do that, but it was appropriate and I feel better for it. Of course, in the perfect world I would much rather have coparenting than parallel parenting, but his behaviour continues to be such that it makes it impossible. It sounds like so does your ex.