Soon to be ex wanting affection and sex

[SkeletonTree]

I’ll be leaving my marriage soon, once I have a property to move into. DH knows we are in a bad way but not of my plans. In a nut shell I am leaving due to historical incidents of verbal abuse/emotional abuse and threats.

The other day he asked if we could spend some time hugging and stroking each other on the couch and I honestly couldn’t bear the thought of it.

I told him I needed time to be physical again as I’m struggling to move past certain behaviours and things he’s said to me. I told him that in order to be physical or affectionate I need to feel safe and comfortable and that I had lost that due to his actions.

I brought up how upset I was that he -

Said I was indifferent to our children (in reaction to my begging him to help with homework and school admin)

Said I ignored our son when he was a baby until he was two years old (I had a traumatic birth and PND) I struggled but I did loads with my son, loads of baby groups, rhyme times, played with him and DH worked night shifts and was barely around.

I also brought up how he had threatened to piss on my clothes during a fight - this was a joke he said. He said that his therapist had pissed on his ex girlfriend’s clothes (!)

When I told him I cannot move past the things he’s said and that’s the reason I struggle to show him affection he told me to “grow up” and stop living in the past. He said that obviously I didn’t ignore our son for two years but he had concerns about my parenting ability and he had to take over (he’s admitted to being a huge control freak)

How do I deal with his demands for affection while I’m waiting to leave? I could be waiting 6 months or more.

The danger of posting this AI bullshit is that it's horrible advice. He's abusive, she should not be honest. Honestly is dangerous when you're dealing with someone abusive.

Stop posting nonsense.

OP, get some advice from a women's organisation.

I’d tell him you’re considering leaving, and don’t feel the same way. Sorry it’s going to be a tough few months - then you’re free of his BS and abuse!!

When I told him I cannot move past the things he’s said and that’s the reason I struggle to show him affection he told me to “grow up” and stop living in the past Aka ‘shut up about the awful things I’ve said and done and give me what I want’.

‘No. I don’t want to touch you and I don’t want you to touch me’.

‘We’re not in a place where I want to be intimate with you’.

’No, your words have consequences and I’m taking the time I need to move past them’

’No, I don’t want to’.

"Can we cuddle, kiss etc etc"?

"No Thank You"

Wtf is this shit?

If he doesn't know your plan to separate he'll see himself as making an effort and you not meeting him halfway. I'd either tell they truth or look to move out temporarily sooner rather than later.

Ai?

Post on the relationships board OP, or at least go over there and read all the good advice given to others in similar situations. Ignore the Chat GPT post on here, it is ridiculous.

I’ve reported the AI bullshit.

OP I have been in a very similar situation (also a shift worker, mine was police). My advice is don’t get drawn into conversations about each other’s behaviour over the years. You know you are right. You don’t need to discuss this with someone incapable of being a good person to you.

Save your energy for what matters, don’t waste it on this person who will soon enough be in your past.

For the time being you can invent any sort of ailment you like to avoid getting cosy with the stbx. Endless period pain due to peri menopause is quite good and means you can lock yourself in the bath for hours too.

Good luck- you will get through this x

You have to be as honest as you can as soon as you can, especially when there are children involved. Ultimately, the aim is to be amicable co parents.

How would you react if you found out your husband (or an imaginary one who you still wanted to be with) planned an exit for 6 months while deceiving you about wanting to remain in the marriage.

How would you react if your partner threatened to piss on your clothes?

When it comes to domestic abuse (as this is what this is), keep your plans to yourself. The minute he knows he will make your life hell.

You said the right thing and you need to say it each time. He will throw insults, but all you can do is develop a way to not let his shitty words get to you.

And I literally can't believe that AI bullshiy! Worst advice EVER. Why would you even do that? Lol

Well it's somewhat moot isn't it? The relationship has broken down, assuming he's not physically violent and you don't need to protect yourself in that way, just make it clear you're not looking for affection, can you sleep separately?

He’s not physically violent and yes he’s aware that our marriage is not in a good place. It’s a difficult one as we are getting stuck in a cycle of him expecting intimacy/sulking when he doesn’t get it, says he has needs etc and me explaining why I can’t give him that.

His response for me to “grow up” says it all really.

I did originally plan on telling him then waiting for a property however I’ve been advised to keep my plans to myself for my own safety as I’m not sure what he is capable of. Planning to leave in secret does feel harsh of course, however I am not dealing with a reasonable person. He is highly intelligent and capable of extreme manipulation. He is capable of turning very nasty.

I do doubt of course if doing this in secret is the right thing and if I should be open and honest with him instead.

We do sleep separately thankfully.

Exactly! And that’s just one of many vile things he’s threatened and said to me over the years.

I do want us to be amicable co-parents eventually but I don’t know if that’s possible with someone like him.

Thank you, sorry you’ve been through similar, hope you managed to safely leave your partner. I will keep doing that, I’ll try not to get drawn into conversations about the past, we end up going around in circles. He will not admit any wrongdoing.

Make sure you have an internal lock on your bedroom door.

Just keep saying no. Don't get into arguments about who's don't what. "No I don't feel comfortable with that."

I planned to leave in secret. My ex was furious and devastated. If he'd known he'd have killed me before I had the chance and I took that opportunity away from him. My DP also left his abusive ex in secret. You can't tell abusive people you're GOING to leave them then live in the same house.

Tell him to fuck off?

He makes your skin crawl because your body is rejecting what your mind no longer wants.