Not to bother again

[mamaduckbone]

I genuinely don't know if AIBU or if this a normal family dynamic.
We're on holiday - 3 night break in a European city with Dh and ds15.

I suggested the location (both agreed) then I did all the planning, booking, researching and this has continued since we've been here. For example, I found a restaurant that looked good for dinner, asked ds and Dh to look at the website to see what they thought. Neither bothered. Luckily it was good, but it's all on me. Every bit of the itinerary since we've been here. All me.

Now it's 9pm and we're back at the hotel. Dh and ds are happy chilling in the room, whereas I can hear the buzz of the streets and would love to be sitting in a bar having a drink and people watching. That's kind of fine - I'm sitting on the terrace of the hotel with my book (and griping on mumsnet!) but I find the stress of being 100% responsible for everything takes away my enjoyment of the trip.

Dh suffers from anxiety so I'm constantly trying to minimise that, and ds is just a typical teenager - he's ok when we're out and about but is kind of apathetic about everything.

WIBU not to bother again and maybe go with a friend next time?

It's not much of a holiday for the organiser if everything is down to them, is it.

I'm single so can't comment on the family aspect of it, but I had similar with a friend I went away with a few times. I always took on the bulk of the organising, because I'm good at it. By the end it was ridiculous though, he took it completely for granted and would even blame me if e.g I didn't remind him to change up currency or whatever.

I only go away now with friends who take on at least a share of the organising, or go on organised group tours where I don't have to organise anything at all. It's luxury doing that, having experienced being the only organiser far too often.

Sometimes things are better when we plan everything ourselves, saves on ending up doing nothing.

3 days isn't long so I'd be squeezing in lots rather than sitting on a balcony reading, tbh you can read a book at home, I know mn is absolutely obsessed at reading books and using all your holiday time in the room reading but it's a bit of a waste when you can be enjoying the place you're staying.

It's still early, head out, tell them to join our not, is it a place you can head out yourself ? Get a taxi to a nice bar, get a table or sit at the bar and get a few drinks, enjoy your time away, I am one of these people who can't understand why people go away to sit in the room.

I find the stress of being 100% responsible for everything takes away my enjoyment of the trip

Did your DH ask you to arrange and organise this holiday?

You are being unreasonable if the trip was your idea, especially given your DH has anxiety so potentially would rather just be at home. I take this back though if he was the instigator of the holiday!

The teen is a teen, so he's off the hook.

It must be super hard trying to manage someone else's anxiety all the time.. He does make efforts for himself too, I assume? Medication, counselling, techniques?

go out and have a drink. you don't need to sit in the room just because they want to.

@Wendysfriend I feel the same as you about making the most of the time we're here but no, I wouldn't feel safe wandering alone and know that Dh would be really anxious if I disappeared out. We haven't spent all day sitting in the room - we were out and about all day from 10.30am , came back for an hour or so then headed out for dinner. - we got back to the hotel earlier than I would have liked but I can cope with that.

It's more the organising aspect that is super stressful. Tomorrow we're going on an excursion which I've booked the tickets for but we have to get a train there and I know I'm just going to be the bloody tour guide again.

It is. He does do lots to manage it himself (a ton of therapy mostly...meds didn't work for him) but if we are ever to do anything at all I have to push him out of his comfort zone and face the consequences.
For several years anything beyond U.K. travel was out of the question so I guess we're improving. Just not sure it's worth it.

I hear you OP. It's hard to take the brunt/blame for everything, Can your DH at least enjoy some extras - could he sit in the café with you and soak up the scene? Of course, you can do that yourself but it's lonely.

Yeah it can be quite lonely, for you, I've experienced similar. A balancing act, definitely, and exhausting.

I wouldn’t bother to do anything tomorrow. When they ask where you are going say - Oh, I’m not fussy, where do you want to go?

Thank you @Dotto, you've hit the nail on the head. Exhausting it is.

That would be cutting off my nose to spite my face though as the trip we have planned tomorrow was quite pricey, is already booked and is somewhere I've always wanted to go to (and ds is actually animated and quite excited about, fingers crossed)

You definitely need to suit yourself sometimes, too. Going away with a friend would be well deserved x

Ask your DH to find tomorrow's dinner?

It's my 50th next year so I think I'll say to Dh I'll go absolutely anywhere (even if it's a caravan in bloody Bognor Regis) but I'm having nothing to do with organising it.

Good idea. I do enable the crapness a bit by just doing it.

The thing is OP it's sounds like you're the one who wants to travel, not DH, so it's hardly unreasonable that you have to organise the trip. Not everything will always be amazing, that's just how it goes, so no reason to feel terribly responsible if something doesn't work out. So just book what you like, and enjoy it.

Why would you force your OH to find somewhere for dinner when he probably would have preferred not to be in the country in the first place. Choose somewhere with a bar and then you can stay there and have a drink after - or make sure next time you choose a hotel with a nice bar to drink in at the end of the day.

Make the most of it yourself and let the other two feel what they feel - without feeling you have to responsible for their happiness and enjoyment.

I would also definitely 100% avoid leaving your DH to book for your 50th because I'm pretty sure you're going to be disappointed by whatever he comes up with. You need to accept that exciting travel adventures are not his thing and that that's ok because everyone's different.

And if they are like mine they won’t leave the hotel until about 3.

if we are ever to do anything at all I have to push him out of his comfort zone and face the consequences I feel sorry for him! He is being pushed and then moaned about.

Would it not be better all round if you travelled alone or with friends?

No need to feel sorry for him @verycloakanddaggers - I don't moan to his face, and he did want (and choose) to come but can't cope with anything more than being here, so I have to do the rest. He'll go home and say he's had an amazing time, I'll go home knackered at the mental stress of doing all the thinking. I'm also having a great time, btw, but just needed to have a tiny vent.

Such is life with a Dh who has poor mental health - thank you @Dotto and others who get it. I hope your similar situation is bearable!

I wouldn't do a holiday with them that required lots of planning if that's how you feel. All inclusive or a cruise would be easier then all you need to plan is the odd day trip.

The type of holiday you are on is probably better with a good friend.

We tend to do all our research at home with regards to places to eat out and visit. I plot them on mymaps in google. We decide what to do the night before.

So, I asked Dh today if he felt like I'd bullied him into coming away and he said that whilst it would be so much easier to stay at home, he doesn't want to be that person who never goes anywhere, so that's good.
We got out on our trip on time and had a wonderful day, Dh chose the restaurant for dinner, we had a walk and drink in the evening and all is well. Getting some different perspectives really helped with the conversations we've had today. Dh admitted he's a bit lazy when it comes to planning but also said I shouldn't feel so responsible for everyone having a good time, which is true.
I think we can definitely do this kind of holiday again, but I need to be clearer from the outset that I find doing all the planning stressful. In fact, Dh said today he wouldn't want to go back to all inclusive (which we've done the past couple of summers to get him on a plane and out of the U.K. with the security of a package where everything is pre-arranged) Music to my ears as I bloody hate AI.
Home tomorrow and not really ready to go now.

I am the opposite really - I love organising holidays and trips out and I like researching and booking things because I'm good at finding things off the beaten track and good value. But I don't like doing stuff on my own so DH has always been a perfect companion - doesn't really make plans for himself so I never even need to check his calendar. I never normally ask him to check any place I've booked, I just send him any booking confirmations and put it in our calendar.
But he doesn't get anxious and dealing with that must be quite a burden.

We've been on some guided tour holidays which didn't need any planning at all (even all the transport) and I'd recommend those if you find the planning too much burden. I found them a bit restrictive especially with restaurant choices (they tend to go with safe but bland options) and I missed having the flexibility of making my own choices, but it sounds like youd prefer it.

I get it but I've always organised everything and I like having the say I think. God knows what my DH would pick.

Anyway - it's done now so literally no point being down about it - you are the family leader clearly and that's ok right? Try and enjoy your holiday but if it's really bothering you then allocate more to them next time. It's a risk though!