AIBU to feel despondent over DD violence towards DS???

[Flappypants]

Hi

My DS has additional needs (he's 12 and has a condition called NF-1 which manifests in mobility issues and SEN requirements - he's very bright but needs a lot of support) and my DD (8) is having massive difficulty processing some major frustrations towards her brother that are manifesting themselves in her hurting him physically, sometimes really quite badly and without provocation.

DS commands and demands an awful lot of attention and our lives are largely shaped by his needs and his abilities. Whilst I try to give her her own activities and one on one attention, I am starting to get concerned that one day she will hurt him with unpleasant consequences. I have taken to making sure I don't leave them alone together as she will go for him when no one is looking. On Saturday she punched him full on the face, giving him a bleeding and swollen lip. At their Dad's she launched herself at him as he was passing her room and clawed at hisneck leaving deep scratches and welts. She often punches, pushes, kicks and scratches him. She won't apologise and says she hates him, and that everyone favours him. I try to be scrupulously fair to them both but it is very difficult to fulfil both their needs simultaneously.

I've contacted school. I must add that I am a single Mum sharing with my narc ex 50/50 and I can see his divisice tactics, favouring her and demeaning him when they are there. He gaslights both children in the same way he gaslighted me in the marriage, and he is still extremely controlling and coercive beyond the marriage.

I am close to tears not feeling as though I am able to protect my DS, fulfil my DD, instill good values in them both and keep us all above water. I work full time building my career having been decimated in court by the ex and I feel pulled in all directions doing nothing terribly well.

HELP!!!

Perhaps a young carers charity for dd or counselling to get to the route cause of the aggression.

What consequences are there for him hurting him.

Your daughter needs therapy and she needs it fast. I would take a 2
pronged approach. First, talk to her GP. second, talk to your son’s specialists. There may be family support groups. These won’t come with the same waiting lists. Even just getting to spend time with other children who face similar situations as she faces may help her feel less isolated and deal better with her feelings.

There's a charity called Sibs that you might find helpful.

I agree with young carers.

sometimes it’s incredibly difficult being the sibling of a child who has needs.

my sister had a kidney transplant when I was a similar age to your DD. She got a rainbow brite doll! Rainbow brite! I got a sprite…
I kicked her in the kidney when she got out.

as an adult its horrific. I can’t quite believe I did it (she was fine. I was fine mainly because she didn’t tell mum who would have KILLED me). Yet, As a 9 year old i was just so so frustrated that it was all about her again and she even got the best doll and i got a fucking sprite.

She can’t do it. She needs to be disciplined about that.

however, I think you’re naive to think she is acting without provocation.

Your poor daughter. She didn’t ask for her childhood to be like this (just as you didn’t ask for parenthood to be as crap as this). She needs patience and care and probably not just from you as PP are suggesting. Please get her the support she desperately needs.

She is showing how unhappy she is in a very obvious way.

She needs support and you and her father to help her.

Her childhood is being dominated by her brother, a situation she has no say about.

Young carers support charities are a really good shout. And ask school is there is support available.

Could you also share care with their dad so that you both have one child each so that she gets proper one to one attention.

Thank you. Agreed that there isn't always no provocation. He is also your normal pre-teen boy who takes pleasure in antagonising her just in the same way that all siblings annoy the bejeezus out of each other, just because they can.

Thank you for the suggestions - school are going to implement some ELSA time already which is great, and I'll look into the charities that can help that you've mentioned. I'm so worried they're both going to be consigned to adulthoods full of therapy because of issues in childhood (we've all got them, haven't we?) so if I can help now, then that will hopefully mitigate if not completely fend off potential problems.

It has just dawned on me that she has had seemingly phantom injuries where I've ended up in A&E with her (e.g. for a strange leg injury where she couldn't put weight on her leg and a couple of other things) and there's been no obvious cause. We are in hospital with him a lot and I wonder if these events for her have been psychosomatic. She has broken her wrist twice (I'm not saying on purpose) but it's meant that the focus has been on her so maybe she is less careful with her body.

This sounds really hard and I am sorry that things are so difficult for all of you!

When you spoke to school, what did they say? What is her behaviour like there? Does she have friends?

Obviously, her hurting ds in this way cannot continue. To me, it sounds like she is feeling, perhaps not unwarranted, resentful of her brother, the attention he gets, his needs. She is probably feeling frustrated, angry, sad at the situation and this is the way she is expressing it.

You are right that they cannot be left alone at the moment - she cannot be allowed to hurt ds in this way - it sounds quite extreme.

I would suggest speaking to school again to see if they can offer any support and making an urgent appointment with a GP. It sounds like she needs therapy to work through her feelings.

Good advice already but I’d also consider alternating their time at dads so you separate them for a bit, and each child gets 1-1 with a parent. I know it means you don’t get much of a break but it could help in the short term.

School have said today that she can have ELSA time and I'll contact the GP. I will make sure that they each get a few hours one on one time with me when they are here. The dynamic between me and ex is terrible because of his horrible abuse during the marriage - it was MN wonderfolk who gave me the tools and strength to leave, who helped me understand what was happening and that what he was doing to me was abuse, coercion and control (of all types) and who put me in touch with Women's Aid. So I will have to do this alone (which I was in the marriage anyway and continue to do)...I've just looked at Sibs - it looks absolutely brilliant and I'll get on there with her and let her browse around. I want her to feel heard and understood so that she has the tools to manage the massive feelings she's experiencing.

Thank you all!

It might be easier on everybody if she went to live with her dad (even if just temporarily), and your ds stayed with you? She's showing serious signs of being badly affected by this situation - the aggression, the fact that she seems to be inventing imaginary injuries in order to get attention, and maybe even suffering genuine injuries. To say nothing of the injuries your ds is having to deal with.

@Flappypants Sounds like you’ve got some positive next steps.

Any possibility she's got SEN too?

My kids have adhd and they have similar episodes of going for people like this when they're upset.

Do you know any responsible teenagers (or young adult kids of friends) who could take one DC out or play games or whatever, while you give attention to the other one?

Can you split custody so she's with her dad and ds is with you, and then swap rather than them both moving from one house to the other together?

This would let her get lots of 1 to 1 time and your DS get the help he needs also. Even doing this for a little while might help to break the cycle she's in right now.

Is it possible you need to reframe the way you think about this, and her? Reading your posts it does come across a bit that focus is on her brother and that she is an after-thought and detracts from you meeting his needs. Her needs are an inconvenience, his are needs. It may be that that is the stark reality but then you need to think about how you show her that you understand how she feels and help her understand the severity of your son’s situation.

I particularly got this from where one poster said that she wasn’t acting without provocation and you responded that sometimes he provokes her. I read the other poster as saying the “provocation” is her situation - not getting her need for attention etc met, not her brother winding her up. I could be wrong as to what the other poster meant, but you don’t seem to have considered that interpretation.

She cannot be punching him in the face that is really not ok no matter what is going on. Would she do that to someone who wasn't her brother? She obviously needs therapy and help but she also needs some firm consequences for physical violence - she cannot learn that that is the way to deal with things.

You need to make it clear that that is not going to be acceptable anymore, get her something she can hit to take her frustration out on, be clear on the consequences of being violent to her brother (agree them with her) and keep the conversation going about what sort of attention she would like from you so she feels valued.

I think you also need to ask yourself if DS needs to be given the amount of attention he currently is - and if he might be more capable than you're giving him credit for. Perhaps giving him a bit more independence if possible would be good for him and her.

@HornungTheHelpful you’re not wrong; that’s exactly what I meant.

I too escaped from an abusive marriage and then had to endure 50:50 contact split with him. Despite all the negatives, the shared contact time probably saved my sanity (raising more DC than I had the strength for).

I wonder whether for you too there's a positive amongst all the crap, that you can adapt the 50:50 to give the siblings some respite from each other. So, in a fortnight for example, they could have two days together with dad, two days together with mum, five days just with mum, five days just with dad. You would get two days child free and ten lovely days to focus on one child at a time and their needs.

Can your DS get any respite care so you can focus on DD?

What she is doing isn't okay at all, but at their age it's a case of any attention is good attention, if you are telling her off she is getting attention, they want a reaction out of you. If she feels he gets more attention, then this may be attention seeking behaviour.

How is she at school, have they raised any concerns?

As others have said, can you alternate the children between you and your ex, or are their any grandparents/aunties/uncles who can help?

Thanks All, very much taken on board.

Will implement focus one on one time and therapy for DD. I think I need to redress the balance - you've all been so helpful. Going to leave the post for now so I can digest your really helpful observations. One thing to note is that the abuse continues via the children and there are other dynamics at play in terms of my job and the financial arrangements (I was shafted in court and all maintenance stops in four years so I am thrashing myself to become completely independent of him) that mean I need to retain the pattern I have. I just need to be creative and responsive.

Thanks All. Bye xxxx