To stop my son’s dad seeing him on his birthday?

[xyzcreamcrackered]

I’m being pre-emptive here but I’m trying to gage what I’m going to do.

I have 2 children, ds (7) and dd (6) and Split up with their dad 3 years ago. He has been thoroughly unpleasant towards myself and over the past year has had contact dwindle from a weekend a fortnight to an hour every couple of weeks. I still entertained it as my children adore their dad but he started ignoring messages and saying he’d turn up but then not and saying he didn’t see my message etc.

at that point ds especially was finding it very emotionally difficult to deal with and would wet the bed and be beside himself so I told ex that he needed to contact mediation if he is to see the kids to set up regular contact. It’s been two months and not heard a word but he’s a very manipulative man so I know for a fact he’s biding his time until our sons birthday next month in which he will contact me to see him and if I say no then will kick up a fuss to orchestrate me in a bad light. I am debating still standing firm and not allowing contact until at least mediation is contacted but have this overwhelming guilt that my son will ask for him and he won’t be there? Am I doing the right thing?

DS should be able to see his father if he wishes

If DS wants to then let him. If he isn't at physical harm then let it be. Meet up at a soft play after-school so if he doesn't rock up DS can still play

@FlowerWrath the son wishes but the dad is inconsistent and unreliable and OP has to deal with the consequences. OP can you have everything formalized? What does your lawyer say re refusing/ limiting access until there’s schedule and consistency?

Yes you are doing the right thing. He’s only 7 and it’s your job to protect him. You told his dad to go to mediation, which can’t force him into regular contact, but is worth a go at helping him see sense with an inpatient third party, and you stick to it.

What sort of fuss will he create if you say no and to whom? It doesn’t need to impact you or your children at all, just ignore the twat.

It’s awful for them they have such a useless dad but all you can do now is give them the best life you can and that includes limiting the damage he can do to them.

Helpful 🙄. What about when his dad goes AWOL again after and causes more upset? Or says he will turn up and doesn’t, making that little boy’s birthday a horrible memory for years to come?

Could you take him to court to arrange contact? And preempt any birthday demands with a simple ‘since you have not replied to previous messages, it would be best to make official arrangements about visitation and child maintenance’. I’d give him a throwaway email address and refuse/block him on any other means of contact. Only speak about the children, only through text based messages and keeping it completely neutral about consistent visits.

So there is nothing formal or legal in place. I have always been civil and tolerated that any contact is better than no contact but it got the point where my son would be severely distressed when he left but does not mention him when he doesn’t see him for 2/4 weeks at a time. For reference he has only mentioned his dad a couple of times in conversation but it was all relevant to the conversation. Neither of my children have asked to see him but obviously birthdays are a different matter. I have not contacted legal advice, mediation as I have put the ball in his court as I’ve spoon fed every single interaction for years and have basically said if you get in contact with me via mediation I will be happy to interact. I have received no contact but can guarentee he will personally message to see the children on his birthday

My kids needed months of counseling and therapy due to non-violent but emotionally abusive not-absent-enough father. OPs DC are 6 and 7 and don't always want what's right for them.

Op has requested that her ex attend mediation to formalise a contact plan. He has so far declined to engage.

If op has already made plans for DC on his birthday then IF ex wants to see DC he can do so around op's plans.

You could take your son and daughter to soft play but not tell them the intention is their dad will arrive. If he comes then he comes. If he doesn't then the kids went to soft play. I'd try because it is the birthday. But after that you can revert to mediation and cite that even recently he did not turn up. Less conflict this way.

It’s about your son.

i would 💯 let him see his son the day after his birthday/ party.
i would 💯 not let him turn up and ruin it with bad behaviour or not turn up when he said he would and ruin it.

IF he contacts you asking to see your DC on his birthday, I would be inclined to agree... but NOT to tell your DS and also to be clear what is and is not acceptable. Eg, meeting at Pizza expres for lunch - you go. If he turns up, brilliant. If he doesn't, you have a nice Pizza express birthday lunch. YOu do not have to, nor should you, tie yourself in knots to accomodate him.

So he won't have done anything to see them for 3 months and then he wants to turn up on his sons birthday? It would be a no from me as you know he's just not going to be interested again after the event. It's just more confusing for the kids to have him turn up at birthdays and then disappear again - and imagine if he turned up for one child's birthday and then didn't bother for the other.

If he wants to be in their life and be part of the celebrations then he needs to be reliably consistent. He's not so he can't.

Let your DS see his dad if he wants to.

its not even about if he doesn’t turn up when he says he will. I’m sure he will bring some lavish gift and plaster him with promises and gifts 100% . it’s the aftermath which makes me not want to. The last time he saw him, it had been 3 weeks and he popped in for 20 minutes maybe. My son was devastated when he left and ran to the window crying every single time a car came, he also wet the bed for the next two days which he never does and wasn’t himself at all. I tried to facilitate contact two weeks later and I was initially agreed (did not tell the kids) but didn’t hear anything until after the date where I initiated conversation by saying mediation would have to be contacted

I don't think I would let my son see a dad like that, no. If he can't be arsed to show up, he doesn't deserve the birthday. I know previous posters are up to your son and although it's devastating for him, you are responsible for his well being and his whole birthday may be ruined because he will be obsessing over his dad.

If his dad really wants to see his son, he'll make a stable routine.

Can you maybe arrange to take the children away for the weekend on a birthday treat so there’s no opportunity for your ex to turn it into game playing and hurt?

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock he refuses to have day/wekeend contact as child maintenance have finally caught up after years and he claimed that his mental health was ruined by it so will take them to the park/go on a walk/stand by the doorstep and say hi 😬 but refuses to do anything that spends a single penny

I meant you take him away

• “hey, wee birthday boy! We’re going to stay with auntie X and Uncle Y for your birthday weekend so you and cousin Z can go to laser zone and then we can all watch films and eat pizza”

Take the children away from home so your divkhead ex can’t just rock up at your house late and play silly buggers breaking your little boy’s heart on his birthday.

There is some really low bar answers here ..

if ex gets in touch your response is that it needs to go to mediation ..

I don’t think many people truly understand the devastation and turmoil it has on Dc to be abandoned over and over again .

The birthdays are the worse days for these absent fathers to appear - if they turn up this year next there is the thought in the back of their minds will he / won’t he .

You let your Ds have a great birthday

Can you possibly take the kids away for a night - even if it’s a premier inn in a city with cool free stuff to explore … if dad makes contact he will have to come another day

@Starlightstarbright3 thanks, that’s made me feel so much better, genuinely