Is this 'Unkind and Unloving'?

[YellowPolkaDotBikini1980]

It's all kicked off.

It's not my situation, but a friend's.

Her relationship with her mother is strained. Friend says it was emotionally neglectful and a stately homes situation. Nothing bad enough for social services, but nonetheless, unhappy.

Her mother is now retired and relies on friend a lot, and out of obligation, friend does what is asked of her. However, the mum is very passive aggressive, and does petty, spiteful things that she will then deny.

E.g. if friend is washing up, her mum will walk past and drop in a dirty, greasy spoon into the clean rinsing water, and plop a mug with a teabag into the washing up bowl.

Obviously it could easily be a mistake, but those kinds of mistakes only happen to Friend. Mum won't drop dirty dishes if golden child sister is washing up, and the tea bag will go into the bin.

The mum also has a habit, when company is over, of telling nasty stories about friend, couched as jokes. E.g. she was so fat she got stuck in a slide. Or 'Her hair was so 'unmanageable' that one year mum just cut it off and everyone they encountered thought friend was a boy! Hilarious!'

Over the decades, friend has learnt trying to talk about things with mum gets nowhere. Mum is the type who 'doesn't believe in therapy' and 'back in the day we just got on with it', etc.

So what friend does is just write things down in a little notebook to vent. E.g. Today mum got into a huff because I bought Tetley's tea bags instead of Yorkshire. I told her you asked for Tetley's. She denied it then I showed her the text that said Tetley's, now I'm getting the silent treatment.

Well, on Sunday Friend's mum found the book. She was looking for a stapler and found the notebook in friends work from home desk drawer. Friend does not know how much she read, but mum was saying: 'If I'm that much of a burden I'll just go to Dignitas' and it's clear friend has no love for her mother, because if you love someone you don't make a list of how they annoyed you, quoting the bible 'love keeps no record of wrongs'

In this situation, who (if anyone) is in the wrong?

the book is a good idea, excellent way to vent without harm.
its a shame the mum found it, but, assuming everything unwritten is correct, it’s on her tbh. If I were the friend, I’d stop looking after someone who was rude to me anyway. Mum can get a carer.

Abusers hate the truth because it makes them look bad

Your friend needs to step back and let the Golden Child take on more of the burden

Your friend is not in the wrong.

Writing it down in a book would have helped her cope.

It's a pity the mother found it.

My mother is of a similar ilk and I find her difficult to cope with.

Her mum is understandably upset, but seems to be pulling the guilt card.

In her shoes I think I would step back for a bit. Say something like "it's all been a bit much for me recently, I think if I take a break it would be good for me".

Does you friend live with her mother? Why was the mother in your friends desk if not? If she doesn't live with her mother I would suggest limiting contact - too busy to do shopping etc and let the other child fill in.

The mum is in the wrong. Why was she snooping? And even though she found the notebook she had no right to read it! A lot of people keep diaries etc.

Her mother isn’t going to reform. Your friend should prioritise herself and consult her own wishes about future contact. It doesn’t sound as if their interactions are bringing either of them any joy.

This.

Abusive mothers are often in complete denial about being abusive. They usually think they are doing the best any mother could do, and it is the child or children that makes them like that.

For an abusive mother to find a book listing in black and white incidents of abuse is instantly going to be weaponised to take the focus away from their behaviour and on to the child/adult child who has kept the record. The mothers response is very typical- the “if I’m that bad then I’ll just go kill myself” threat is just further abuse. Other responses can include “you’re remembering things the worst way possible because you want to hurt me.”

It is classic DARVO.

Your friend need to find therapy/support for domestic abuse survivors and that will help her find the strength to tackle the situation with her mum. It will give her clarity as to what level of abuse has been going on, whether her mum is capable of change and also whether friend should go no contact, low contact.

I don’t like this part of your post:

and it's clear friend has no love for her mother, because if you love someone you don't make a list of how they annoyed you, quoting the bible 'love keeps no record of wrongs'

You sound judgemental about your friend’s situation. Has she asked you to post this or have you just taken it upon yourself because you don’t agree with your friend?

I think you've taken that out of context. The OP wrote that the friend's mother said something along those lines. (It's within the parentheses of things the mother said.) The OP is not saying it about her friend.

This isn’t clear from how it’s written. OP can you clarify?

It really doesn't matter either way does it? Friend will not stop being a downtrodden dormouse serving her nasty piece of work mother, so it will all just carry on until one of them dies.
Point this out to your friend if you wish but it will make no difference.
People like the mother only get away with this sort of nasty behaviour because others allow them too.
Pathetic.

it's clear friend has no love for her mother, because if you love someone you don't make a list of how they annoyed you, quoting the bible 'love keeps no record of wrongs'

Is that the mother saying this or you?

Either way the mum is clearly in the wrong, but if the quoted comment is from you I also disagree with that part. So no matter what, the mum is in the wrong!

Friend needs to move to the other side of the country and go low contact

Subconsciously she may have wanted her mum to find it. I'd be thinking that perhaps she finds it impossible to talk to her mum adult to adult. It sounds like a miserable situation and your friend needs to put some boundaries in place.

This is exactly how I read the comment; these were the words of the horrible mum.
Friend could do with some support from a therapist. Meanwhile a healthy distance from the relationship wouldn't hurt.

Wow Fizzadora, superb victim blaming there!

This woman has been abused and put down by her mother for probably her whole life, her mother has now read a private document and is emotionally blackmailing her DD. The friend is not in the wrong here!

I agree with PPs that the friend would benefit from some distance here. Even if Golden Child is not living as close, the mum needs to respect her DD if she wants her to do things for her. A bit of space might make her recognise this.

Friend just needs to step away . Forget any guilt , the number of parents who neglect their children emotionally or physically and yet expect them to rally around when they're old . No . You reap what you sow .

Mum's response puts her in the wrong. A self reflective, respectful person would have wanted to have a constructive conversation about it.

As it is, she's playing the "woe is me" card. She wants the choreographed response that of course she is not a burden and for OP's friend to fawn over her.

OP's friend can decide to stop playing this "game" and just say "yes, actually I am finding it a bit hard at the moment. perhaps it's best if I just let <golden child> help you " and walk away.

.... it's clear friend has no love for her mother, because if you love someone you don't make a list of how they annoyed you, quoting the bible 'love keeps no record of wrongs' ...

Whole schools of therapy would disagree. The mum has an opinion; the daughter obviously doesn't share it. But even if it were objective fact that the daughter was being "unkind and unloving", preserving her own mental health - without which she won't be able to do anything for anyone, including the mother - is a lot more important than conforming to a subjective (and hypocritical, since the mother excuses her own bad behaviour toward the daughter) idea of what's "kind and loving".

I think in this situation it would be okay to say "Mum, the truth is you've always been a bit of a bitch to me, and you still are. But you are still my mother, so do you want me to keep coming and helping you out? If not I am fine with that."

Please encourage your friend to leave her mother, and move away from her. The mother is abusive and clearly takes great pleasure in being an abusive arsehole to your friend. How is this kind of thing ever acceptable? What a horrible person. I would cut all contact. Your friend owes her nothing.

I do t blame the friend at all her sounds awful. Golden child sister can take over from now on.

In her position, I’d be tempted to call her bluff.
’I’ll go to Dignitas.’
’Off you trot, then.’

Has anyone else encountered someone who does petty, mean, but difficult to call out things, like the dirty spoon in clean rinsing water? What's the point of doing little mean things like that?