How To Opt Out Health Visiting?

[cherrycakes33]

I had my child last year and had a Health Visitor at the start.
I found her extremely intimidating and very dismissive of my concerns.
The experience I received was just a tick box exercise.

She was forcing me to breast feed even though I had various infections at the time and was on various medication.

In the Red Book she had ticked off things that she had not even discussed with me which I think is appalling.

She told us that it was a legal requirement to have a health visitor.
It was only reading on here that I found out otherwise and Opted Out and also complained, I wasn't contacted again until now.

Anyway I received an appointment for my child's 10 - 12 month development review and I called to advise that I had Opted Out due to the appalling service I had received and again I was advised it was "mandatory" and felt quite bullied.
I am in the process of moving home and told the health visitor this.

Few days later another appointment arrives on the post (even though I had told her the moving date).

We have now moved to a different city and I am dreading another intimidating experiences with a health visitor.

Despite me opting out I was still contacted so how would I go about approaching this when the new health visitor contacts me?

Honestly the first health visitor and the second one who called me were so intimidating and I just want to be left alone by them as I find them so unhelpful, pushy and harassing.

My child is under dietician care and has regular reviews with the GP for an allergy and I always go to the GP for any issues.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

My experience of health visitors with DC1 was similar to PP's. I didn't want to bother with their useless, pushy visits with DC2 so I just ignored their contact. Nothing happened. It's terrible that they make new mums feel obligated to see them, especially when the quality of the service is so dire.

Before she had her first, a friend of mine had been either a midwife or a HV for 10 years. And she told me that during her first month with her new baby, she had done every single thing she had spent years telling other new mothers not to do!

HV was so poor her actions put DC1 in intensive care. I refused the service after that and just ignored any letters/messages. Declined the “service” with DC2 but one managed to get in the house (knocked at the door and grandma invited the vampire over the threshold). This one was so rude (complaining about DC1 playing in the room and not being at nursery) that grandma told her to leave and apologised to me. MIL hadn’t believed how poor they were until she saw it with her own eyes.

It is absolutely NOT a legal requirement to see a health visitor, they are an optional service and I would put in a complaint about the person who said that to you, i phoned mine and just said thanks but I don't feel like I need their support and they were fine with that they just said OK no problem

The HV with my second dd was actually really nice and helpful although we didn’t see her much at all.

The one with my first dd was terrible - I had PND (which in hindsight should have been glaringly obvious as I was a nervous wreck) and was struggling with breast feeding despite trying lots of things including visiting help groups, pumping etc. I felt like a terrible mother - the HV just watched me cry and said “well, you’re just making a token attempt really aren’t you” - she was such a horrible person.

Sorry but most high profile deaths are of children with multiple agencies involved and it’s the utter failure of all those services that often lead to children being missed.

HV’s lying to imply service interaction is mandatory when a parent wishes to opt out because they don’t feel they need the support, incompetence experienced, or simply because you don’t have time to be waiting around all day for someone to turn up when it suits them, is not acceptable.

When I had my older children years ago it was a visit after birth to give me the red book then that was it. They never came to the regular check ups etc. but was always at the end of the phone.
when I had my little boy just after Covid my health visitor at the time was awful. My little boy was ill and spent his first 10 days in hospital fighting for his life. She said it was a concern of neglect that I hadn't taken him to the gp for his 24 hour baby check.. he was wired up in neonatal! She hated I had teenagers in the house and kept telling not to leave my baby around them, was constantly asking if my husband did drugs or abuse me. Would message me gone midnight at night about nothing important. The final straw was when I found out I was expecting my little girl I told her via text and she said I hope it's something you wanted.
When my little girl was born last year I opted out. She caused me so much stress first time around. I have been a mum for 19 years and felt like I knew more than her at times. They were fine with it, I did get a text reminder her jabs were due but that was it. I go to our local council's early hub the have their yearly reviews done. They are at the end of the phone if I ever need them and so are my gp who were very supportive with my decision.

My daughter was also let down badly. She also has severe learning difficulties and autism. She was 2 and unable to walk, talk, sit up, crawl, stared into space, no response to anything around her. She was fine apparently (said by 5 different hv). Refused to refer her anywhere. She’s now 13 and in a specialist school. I was treated like a deluded mother. I was told by the person who assessed my daughter she should have been referred then. My daughters development was far from okay.

My experience 36 years ago - and recently with granddaughter is that their little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Was told my dd might have Downs because of a 'line' on her hand - despite her having spent five days in hospital as you did back then and hey, no doctor, consultant pointing it out. She is now a PhD in a medical subject and modern HVs have also been incompetent, suggesting a referral to a neurologist because HV read the head size chart incorrectly. Consultant was annoyed his time had been wasted - and oh the worry in between, even though dd and I could see the measurements were incorrectly interpreted. Part of the issue is the tick box nature of these assessments: for e.g. if a baby isn't saying the exact words on the list at one year assessment, then they are marked below average - and yet for every baby the HV classifies as below average, the Hv is wrong 60% of the time (stats from my dd, and Dr uni lecturer in a medical subject) It's lucky that we know how to interpret these tick box assessments and we try to keep them in context , but it still occasions worry and anger - and frankly, we have zero confidence in any HV. A little knowledge about complex topics is a very dangerous and counter productive thing... so I totally understand why anyone would opt out. How can you make such sweeping statements that affect parents so profoundly when you really don't have the knowledge or training to do so? I'd be ashamed to do it.

Health visitors lying to people is not made acceptable by high profile failures.

And not one high profile case has simply been a case of a parent opting out of HV visits - they've been multi agency repeated failures.

HV's making themselves seem untrustworthy by giving completely incorrect information is likely to put children in more danger rather than help.

Yes to this!!
My son is 30months and whilst developing brilliantly his speech is a little behind (although this past 3 weeks its just started to really blossom)
We had a 2.5 year review yesterday where the HV (I havent had the same HV along through his early years due to short staff etc, this one is a bank nurse who did come for his 2 year visit) agreed to refer him for SLT but then she watched him play a short while and bacause he wouldnt bring her one of his cars (he doesnt know her so I wasnt surprised) she started to talk about ASD because he lined his toy cars up to play with them. She started to probe me asking about other indicators (all of which were a no) but said we'll keep him on for another review after he turns 3 (when he probably wont even have seen SLT yet due to waiting lists) so basically after 15minutes in his presence she was trying to insinuate he could have ASD (he doesnt obsess, he makes patterns every so often with them whilst he plays so imaginatively now with ALL his toys) and when I challenged her on the fact that lining up toys is actually a behavioural schema, she tutted and said well perhaps. She then gave me a 'telling off' as such for the fact he's not in a playgroup (I have been lucky to be able to work from home since Covid, so he's with me during the day (with my mum twice a week) and insinuated that this is most likely the reason for his speech delay, which left me gutted and filled with such mum guilt. She further berated me for not enrolling him for a pre-pre K this september and encouraged me to get him into one now to sort his 'social issues' out (I wont get him into one at this late stage and the plan was nursery NEXT year. When she left I sat and cried feeling so worthless and as if I had failed my son, then i got a chance to chat to my mum (who keeps DS 2 days a week), my sister, and my good friend who has a boy the same age (and had a similar HV at her 2year visit) and after ranting to them and DH I calmed down and realised that she had just come in and threw judgement and rash statements out based on a short visit. I have decided I will decline the review when she rings after he turns 3 and I will utilise my GP going forward should I have any concerns about him socially or communicative wise over and above his general health. I feel that it is defo a tick box exercise now but there is also so much expected of children to be done within a short visit and if they don't 'perform' then they have not met specific criteria and parents should be put on alert. Whilst I will monitor his progress and alert the necessary agencies should we need more support, its also important to remind mums that children develop in their own time and we don't all follow the same strict timeline and thats ok. My friend told me, noone knows the child best like their mum which i firmly believe but also these HV's need to realise that as people of authority they can 'embed' little worries in vulnerable mummies minds and so they need to listen to mum on their own gut feelings and not overrule!

I found later check ups useful as spotted developmental delay at 1 yr with one of mine and speech and language issues at 2 so they all started salt just after 2

I feel that it is defo a tick box exercise now but there is also so much expected of children to be done within a short visit and if they don't 'perform' then they have not met specific criteria and parents should be put on alert. Whilst I will monitor his progress and alert the necessary agencies should we need more support, its also important to remind mums that children develop in their own time and we don't all follow the same strict timeline and that's ok

100% You are a great mum and very conscientious IMHO. Actually, I will now confess my dd and her partner 'trained' their little one in some of the exercises and we actually laughed about that - as baby had no idea of course and her parents felt it was all bonkers. But you know, why should a one year old roll a ball back to a total strange. It's ridiculous and I have been shocked at how much pressure mums today are under. I am so glad I'm not a new mum now though it's pretty stressful being a granny and seeing what goes on!

You're very kind to say that :)
I am an 'older' mum in the grand scheme of things given I was turning 40 the month after he was born, and hes the first grandchild, no cousins or siblings to play with, so I am aware socially he's at a disadvantage given I couldnt get to as many mums and tots things weekly as I'd have liked. Although we did do baby swim classes, sign and sing (which he hated back then) and baby classes, so I am trying to take him to soft play more often etc. , since he was no age he and I had a weekly coffee catchup with my dear friend and colleague, so hes great in cafes but how much conversing do folks expect from 2 year olds.
I think my gripe is that she doesnt know us, or how much progress I've seen in him, she based her comments on 15minutes of our time, and I feel like there needs to be more care taken in how things are worded, i've only just come down from the absolute rollercoaster of emotions after her flippant comments and honestly i'm generally quite an emotionally stable person (albeit the perimenopause is well underway!!) i worry about mums with PND, or even low moods, and how they could be impacted by poorly chosen comments y'kno?

I don't want to tar all HV's with the same brush, I know it can be person dependent, even the initial HV i had when DS was born was fabulous but even she struggled with the role and returned to maternity nursing in hospital.

my mum who had me in the early 80's was outraged by the comments the HV gave me and said how do 'they' think women managed back in 'her' day given no social media to 'educate' or tick boxes to mark off. She even shed some info today on my sisters behaviours as a toddler being so similar to DS, she was slow to talk (first child and grandchild) spent all her early years on the floor playing with cars or reading and she doesnt shut up now lol
AH i need to calm myself down a bit now and take it all with a pinch of salt

Does your child attend nursery yet? If so you could say that nursery have no development concerns and if they do you will follow the advice of nursery staff in future. Just to reassure that your child is ok and not in need of any referrals to anything like children's physio, speech therapy etc.. which is what those checks are for.

October 2024 post