...to not enjoy my husband's snoring

[itsLKtoday]

My husband snores. Not great big rattling, knock your socks off snores but he snorts and snuffles louder than my earplugs can take.

He comes to bed, falls asleep immediately and it starts. I try to roll him and if it doesn't work I have to ask him to roll. He goes nuts that I've woken him up. I end up in the horrible lumpy spare bed about 4 nights a week then he grumbles that I've slept through the kids waking up but the thing is I'll have been awake for hours in the night already.

I've suggested he settle into the spare room every now and then so that I can sleep properly then get up with the kids but that's a no go because apparently it's his bed and he doesn't want to go in the spare room. Whenever I'm restless or poorly I go to the spare room to save him from disruption. It got to the stage a while ago that the kids started calling the spare room "mummy's room", then he gets upset that I don't want to sleep in the bed with him or asks why I'm on the couch in the morning.
Things must have improved for a while but as we come into snotty cold season the snores are ramping up again.
I dread going on holiday because there won't be anywhere else for me to go once the grunting starts.
He's overweight and vapes. He's tried various sprays and nose plugs etc to varying degrees of success.
I've worn ear plugs every night for years but sometimes they are really quite sore in my ears and I could just do without them occasionally.

Last night he grunted from 10pm onwards. I don't think I got even a full hour at any point. We've both been crabby all day.
Tonight after we put the kids to bed he (nicely) said "just watch whatever you want on telly, I'm just gonna YouTube and stuff" then promptly fell asleep and grunted through the first half hour of last weeks Caramel Week ep of GBBO. I tried sorta chatting about the stroopwaffles and Florentines to rouse him and suggested he might want to just go up to bed but no he just fell asleep and stayed snorting again.

I couldn't take it anymore (he'll snore all night too so I was about to be subjected to 11 hours straight of the disturbance) so turned the TV off and asked where the iPad is so that I could go somewhere else. Apparently this was unacceptable and he's gone absolutely mental, shouting that I'm unreasonable and that he is "entitled" to fall asleep and snore on the couch that he paid for and that I should move out and live alone because it's the only way I'll be happy.

Am I being unreasonable to want to sleep at night and to watch TV once the kids are in bed?
Am I being unreasonable to value my human right to sleep as equal to his?

Other than this topic he is an excellent husband and dad. I just don't understand why his sleep is more important than mine.

How can you think he's an excellent husband when it's 'his' bed and 'his' sofa because he paid for it, you are married so any income is family money. He believes he's entitled to disturb your sleep, your relaxation and I'd say any other part of your life he wants to. He's a selfish prick who is treating you badly, hopefully you'll realise this soon and deal with it one way or another. First step, get a lovely new mattress, decorate your bedroom, put a tv in there and turn it into a sanctuary for you.

YANBU

Why is he so bothered about sleeping on separate rooms if you have the space? We now have mummy's room and daddy's room because of his snoring keeping me up which along with a newborn isn't helpful. Plus shift work and clothes being in the wrong place at the wrong time meant we kept waking each other up. So his clothes are in the spare room wardrobe now.

Holiday I find the same thing frustrating, last holiday oldest slept with him in twin room (he doesn't seem bothered by the snoring ATM) and I slept on the sofa bed with newborn in travel cot. We all got more sleep and had a nicer holiday.

Only thing with separate bedrooms is you have to be a bit more obvious with when you want intimacy. We usually suggest an early night is our sort of phrase and then the other person will go to their bedroom to actually sleep.

I feel your frustration I wish my DH would do more to reduce his snoring, he refuses to try any sleep devices or see the doctor. I'm sure he actually has sleep apnea. He smokes too and overnight, carried it all around his neck. It's the selfishness that gets to me, so our 'compromise' is we sleep separately.

Not a cure for the snoring but you could try a Hoom band, it’s quite comfortable to sleep in and plays you music or sleep sounds so it can be useful to drown out other ambient noises. I use it for travelling.

Otherwise, could you accept that actually you do need and deserve a decent night’s sleep every night, and buy yourself a new mattress for the spare room and actually make it your own room? Paint it soothing colours, have some plants or nice-smelling things, make it really comfortable for you and just sleep there. Lots of people sleep separately from their partners for lots of reasons, and snoring is a terrible sound to put up with.

He is considerate other than this.
He does at least his fair share of housework and childcare and makes sure that he lets me know well in advance of any evening or weekend activities he wants to do (as I do with him) and makes sure that timings work well for the whole family.
He is very supportive of me as my work less reliable than his and I've had to swap jobs a lot more and he is encouraging around what makes me happy at work.

I think that's why I'm so pissed off about this thing, because it's so unlike how he is the rest of the time!

Get a better mattress for the spare room so you have the option of going as getting a good night sleep.

As for his attitude is it masking worry or concern over anything, perhaps weight gain that is causing the snoring or him not getting a good night sleep himself as he is waking himself up.

I agree with the previous poster, buy a decent mattress, and have some early nights.

However, if you end up in the spare room too often, it may well affect your marriage - unfortunately me doing this became the start of my 'uncoupling' - a distance developed and I started finding reasons not to join him in our bedroom. I left him.

He sounds like he wants it all ways!

I think you need to get a new non lumpy mattress for the spare room and make that your room, with all your things in it.

The he can be the one resenting the status quo and not able to do anything about it, but at least you’ll be getting sleep rather than suffering. Sounds like the only thing that is good enough for him is you just lying awake listening to him snore and not saying anything about it!

Yes! That's what I think too. I've obviously just to lie there and not sleep??? He's actually suggested in the past that I need therapy to help me fall asleep and sleep better 🤣 what a buffoon!
A while ago I'd just committed to going up to "my room" which is actually also our shared WFH office and got used to that.
I think it's when it creeps into the living room and I'm expected to just listen to it over the TV too that is really tipped me over the edge. X

Buy a lovely comfy bed and top of the range tv system for the spare room.

Plan your escape from this beast.

I'm sorry that it got that far for you x

Yes I suppose that's what I'm worried about. We're not as intimate as I'd like to be, never really have been tbh, and if I start sleeping elsewhere and then not spending evenings together that what will happen next

Haha yes that does sound ideal

Thankfully there is already a smart TV up there and it's a nice enough room to be in. I do still quite Ike him at this stage so if I really settle into the spare room we may end up coexisting in the same house!

Right first things first. Get rid of the lumpy mattress and make that bed your own. Get some nice bedding and just make it your space for now. I love my room, it's like a giant hug.

Tell your husband that if he wants syou back in the main bed then he's to get his arse to the GP for a referral to a sleep.clinic for his CPAP for sleep apnea. Which is obvious what he's got. If he wants to risk heart attacks or strokes then it's on him. But don't dare to tell you you have to share a bed while he's behaving so selfishly.

He needs to do something about his weight. I say this as someone who went on mounjaro because my snoring was getting so bad I was waking DH up and I needed to sort it out for his sake. I had skated over my weight when it was only affecting me but once it started affecting DH that was the kick up the bum I needed.

Have lost 25lbs since July and DH says my snoring has totally stopped, even though I still have asthma and allergies and all the things I told myself were really causing the snoring. Nope - it was the excess weight.

I've had my own bedroom for nearly 10 years. It absolutely isn't a death knell to marriage. Make the effort. Make him sleep in the damp patch while you go to your nice sanctuary of a bedroom.

Sleep deprivation however, can be.

Thank you for your reply it's made me feel much better and more "normal"

I'm not sure why he's so bothered about me sleeping elsewhere other than maybe because it's our shared WFH space that it wouldn't be great for me to sleep and work in the same room.

We've been able to do the same on holidays most of the time and the kids think it's a wee adventure to sleep in with mum or dad for the night!

Pretend to be asleep yourself and play really loud snoring and farting lying next to him. See his reaction. 😂

Hmmm yes I suspect there is something else going on there because it does seem to be a specific sore point. Thank you for that thought. I'll mull it over and think about how to handle it.

It's interesting you mentioned holidays. I've had holidays effectively ruined through my OHs snoring. I'm so tired because I can't escape him during the night if we're in a hotel room that I sometimes feel really rough in the days. It's worse if he's had a drink or eaten loads = holidays obviously.
You're so right, they don't take the impact of the sleep disruption on us seriously at all. You're definitely not alone.

Do up the spare room - new mattress new bed linen, TV, even paint it & get new curtains.

Turn it into your sanctuary

At the same time look for a chance to discuss the snoring with your partner. Approach it with concern about his health, the impact it might be having on his health - you have children & want him to be around for a long time to see them well into adulthood.
And it's about your health - sleep deprivation is a form of torture & has a huge negative impact on your long term health.

I'd have left his ass on the couch (THAT HE PAID FOR - who the fk says that to their wife?) and gone to bed alone, in peace.

He'd be told that my sleep and rest take priority over his want to have me lay sleeplesslly by his snoring side. He gets a referral to the apnea clinic at a minimum, does something about his weight, but in the mean time the spare room is getting a new mattress and is being made into a peaceful haven where I can rest. If he doesn't like it; he can go sleep on the couch (he paid for).

No one should demand their partner suffers, and using the "it's my bed/couch" language, he can keep the bed.

He sounds very defensive about his snoring and is putting the blame on you as he doesn't want to admit he is the problem.

That would be very hurtful and off putting to me.

Snoring is a horrible sound and your sleep matters too. I agree that sleeping in the spare room is the answer here. Then dh can fall asleep on 'his' sofa or in 'his' bed when he wants.

But the lack of concern for your wellbeing would bother me hugely.

I too have a snoring husband who I love dearly but absolutely cannot stand being kept awake all night long and having to wear ear plugs every night. Holidays are also tricky!!!
It is horrible having to get through the day on such limited sleep.
I would suggest separate rooms as many others here - I know he's not keen but otherwise he should get himself down the doctors as no sleep is no joke!!
you can still spend time in bed together but at lights out it's off to your little
Sanctuary - your relationship may even be better because of it.
Defo get a new mattress though!

I think its all been covered .
Prioritise your own health and sleep and stay in the spare room.
I wonder whether there are better ear plugs? For holidays? Moulded specifically for you ?
As soon as he can get to sleep clinic the better.
And losing weight as extra weight especiallt aroun hvv