Disgrace of a man

[Absolutelymad]

19 years ago I had a child. I was in a relationship with a man that was married who told me had two kids and was getting a divorce. He showed me paperwork showing his divorce as they were in a different language I couldn’t read them but in fact when I had them translated they were his marriage papers. He was with his wife and me. He left me for another woman. Child was not two. We went for court as he and this woman wanted to play mum and dad to my child. This woman left him eventually when she realised he had not left his wife. He is back with the wife in the family home. I’ve had to work hard as a single mum to provide for my child. He had two other children born with this wife one two weeks prior to mine. So he has five kids in total. AIBU to be upset that now my daughter is all for him. No maintenance from him but stupid me

I don't think you're being unreasonable op, but I'm not sure what you can do.

It's just me and my girl and I estranged from my family. They bullied me and made my life so awful.

Sometimes, during my down days, I imagine her building a relationship with them (particularly my step dad) and turning on me. It breaks my heart and I get myself into a teary state. She's only 5, I've got to stop!

Sending you love op - you've done well to survive and raise her despite your circumstances. What an awful man.

Maybe you could tell her everything that happened and how he treated you and what you've had to survive. Then leave it up to her. She's only 19, give her a few years and I'm sure she'll really open her eyes to what you went through. ❤️

Thankyou. Oh she knows everything. She was dragged to his girlfriend house while they played mum and dad and told her that her kids were her brother and sister. Then the girlfriend got rid of him so he had to move back to his wife’s were his other kids are, so she knows he has a wife aswell always has done. So now he has convinced her this is totally ok. Men do this. He convinces her I’m mentally unwell to still have anger that he ruined my life and gets. Totally normal to them both after all I’ve done. Tonight after an argument she was ready to leave me and the home to go to his. He loves this. Got away with all of his behaviour and the only thing I had is her and he is taking her too

He's the dad you gave your daughter, even though he's a despicable man.

None of this is her fault, it sounds like she's just trying to have a relationship with the only dad she has.

Don't stand in her way or you'll make an enemy of her. It'll work itself out eventually.

You are understandably very angry and bitter, in your shoes I would hate this man BUT your DD does not deserve any of this at all and you need to find a way to deal navigate co parenting with him or you risk alienating your child

You’re absolutely right. Thankyou for your reply. I’m so angry he comes up smelling of roses every time. Absolutely love my daughter just wish I’d had her with a proper man

Thankyou your spot on. Makes it worse I never had any more children with any one so she doesn’t see how life should have been

Op, I'm gonna be blunt with you but it's not unkindness, I promise!

You've got to move on from this man and that awful situation. You don't need to have conversation with him or any of his family. Your child is 19 so you can completely cut ties, block, disengage. You're sat around being bitter!

He's done what he has done but it's over and you're done with him.

Your life isn't ruined!

Who owns your home? Your car, your bills etc, who pays them? Is it him, or you?

If it's him, it's time to put a stop to that. Go on benefits, whatever, just get out from under his thumb.

If it's you, you are in charge of your own life!

He knows the one thing he has over you is manipulating his daughter to leave you. She's realised this too and when she doesn't get her own way, she's willing to use it!

Don't be so weak that she knows she can use this to manipulate you!!!

If she wants to go, tell her she can go. You still have a life to live OP, and although inside, you're devoted to your daughter (just like I am to mine, no judgement), on the outside you need to stop letting these people manipulate your goodness.

How old are you? What do you do for you?

I'd be telling my daughter that I love her so much but because her dad has caused so much heartache, he's not in my life anymore. She's free to do as she pleases but she always has a home with you. But she's never to use him to hurt you again.

Sorry it's so long but, OP, it's time to be strong. You can't be letting your life be defined by a years old situation caused by a twat of a man. That's all he is - a twat!!

❤️

You made your choices no one else can be blamed for that looking back won't change anything though

To Mumofoneallolone, sorry I don’t know how to respond individually. I’m 48 I paid off my mortgage last year. I’ve always worked but I have a subchondral insufficiency knee fracture so had to give up my job. I’m in a knee brace. She walked out over a month ago for days to go to his after an argument. Threatened it tonight too. I’m unable to walk, district nurses, under orthopaedic surgeon etc so life is hard as it is. I can’t live like this.

Your DD wants what she hasn't had. A good dad in her life that loves her. In her need for this she re imagining this horrible man as the dad she wants rather than acknowledging the dad she has. She will be very resistant to anything bad about him, make excuses for him and readily accept his rewriting of history to fit the narrative she prefers, where he is good and loves her. This is hard for you. But it won't last. Eventually the truth will force its way to the surface, she'll have to see his flaws and then it will be very hard for her. You need to do what you've done so well for so long and just remain constant and there for her. She will need you.

Unfortunately she is a lot like him. He doesn’t work. In debt. Benefits. Sends his wife out to work. Not exactly encouraging her to get a job just pissing about in life

Oh OP, you poor thing 🥺🥺

I'm sorry if I was harsh, I just wanted to get everything out

You sound amazing! You've paid off your house at 48?!! You've raised your child single handedly while her dad doesn't work. Mt guess is that he was super handsome and charming but a complete grifter.

Other posters are right, all you can do is be a consistent presence until she sees the light.

I completely agree that you cant go on like this 🥺. I'd say to focus on you OP, just for the time being. As long as she's not getting into trouble, you can afford to let her figure her life out for a while while you take care of you. Just you. You'll still be her mum but you need time.

Is there a cure for your knee problems? Are you waiting on a replacement? This time of your life has to be for you otherwise you'll just suffer more.

Tell your child your concerns - ie, you'll not be bailing her out of debt etc as you are too unwell. I'd not be engaging in arguments if you can help it. Not only are you physically ill but you've also got some very real trauma that needs time to be healed.

If she wants to go to her dad's, as long as she's safe, I'd let her. You'll have some peace and you'll be without stress for a bit - it's not forever!

I'm trying to friend you on here, not sure how but I'll have a look x

Thankyou 🥰 no it’s him in debt etc and yeah he was a looker. My fracture could collapse so if it hasn’t healed or show signs of healing my jan then surgery. She knows this but as obviously I have no income he is flashing cash not encouraging her to do anything with her life but piss about with him and his crazy life. P.s no you were not being harsh lovely at all x

God, he's awful. Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Do keep on going, everything is temporary, especially with kids. ❤️