Bring a plate

[drivingbelle]

Friend's dh was celebrating a significant birthday. We were happy to host a celebratory meal and happy to go all out to make it special.

He's having a further celebration, organised by my friend - and she has invited 3 couples of which we're one. Invite says 'I've decided on tapas to give you all a chance to contribute by bringing a plate'. AIBU thinking this is a bit 'off'?

Tbh, I'm getting sick of the 'bring a plate' business. I kind of think if you invite for dinner, then feed your flipping guests! I don't expect invited guests to bring a plate.

fair to be annoyed that she didn’t make it clear when she issued the invitation, but is it such a big deal? As a previous post said, I would never go empty-handed to a friend’s house. It’s usual in my friendship group to say ‘what would you like me to bring?’ when invited round.

Can’t you just buy some olives or something, nothing to say that you have to spend hours cooking unless that’s your thing.

If you already hosted/went all out at your expense for her DH's birthday, it's cheeky as fuck to ask you to fork out again for his second party. Is he Dudley Dursley? Really l, they ought to be buying you a present, to say thank you!

Just take a few bits from Aldi - they do things that are like Waitrose but cheaper. Minimal effort all the way!
And maybe reassess how generous you are with this couple going forward.
I think that if you invite people to dinner, you actually buy the food. The exception being Christmas type gatherings where the person with the biggest house is the one who always hosts - then it's right for everyone to pitch in!

The shame

I wouldn’t dream of this

We have said BYOB once or twice - we still had plenty of our own tho and always encourage ppl to take back their leftovers

I love this. My friends all do it. No pressure to cook or bring anything but at least half of us do. I Usually bake a few cakes which I enjoy, other friends make all sorts of amazing bits and bobs. One of us has a party most months. But if too busy/skint/lazy no need or bring some snacks. None of us can afford to feed 20 plus people or have much time so works well.

An empty plate to fill up, yes please!

This would piss me off too but I’d likely just go and get something from the M&S deli and hand it over to the hosts to sort when I got there. You don’t have to make anything if you don’t want to. TBH it’s quite sad but recently I have just stopped hosting anywhere near as much because I feel like very few people genuinely return the invitation. I don’t think it’s just about money either. Some people just don’t know how to host politely and this has absolutely nothing to do with money.

It really depends on circumstance. I had friends over recently, we were going to a gig in a nearby city, we wanted to get an Air BnB but it was too pricey so I said to come and stay here: everyone brought a plate because I wasn't 'hosting' as such, I was offering my house as a base so we could spend time together cheaply the night before the gig.

If it's my DH's birthday then naturally I'm hosting and I expect nothing! That's not to say I've never panic-called someone and said 'aaargh I forgot bread' but no, I've never 'given someone the opportunity to contribute'.

I don't really like "bring a plate," as there's always too much food and it ends up wasted or just doesn't go together as a meal. Just not my cup of tea- would rather host the whole thing or even just have nibbles rather than a meal. Most people have the manners to bring a bottle or some sort of gift anyway, people don't like/need to be told to make some sort of contribution.

The wording of the invite reminds me of people who have child free weddings but make out they're doing you a favour by giving you a'break'. Nothing wrong with bringing a dish to share but sounds a bit cheeky in those circumstances

Did you host the husband as a “we were happy to go all out” the third couple who are invited to the new meal, or a single parent ?

Im confused

Reminds me of an earlier thread where someone has inherited so much money as to never have to work again, and a friend is hinting at borrowing some.

I think 'bring a plate' works well for events with acquaintances, say an end of term party with a group who've done a course together, or people in a choir who don't meet together outside that, or something similar to that, but it isn't what I'd do with close friends.

I'd rather provide all the catering for a party, especially something like tapas, I wouldn't expect contributions.

How did you come to produce a birthday dinner for the husband @drivingbelle, is that normal in your group?

How do you have the time to make it all? My usual party involvement trying to clean the house for a couple of days before in between work. Then on the day another clean and rearranging the house, putting up gazebos, getting chairs out etc. then time to make a few dishes or cakes. Not cater for loads of people

I agree with others about bring a dish meals generally being fine but the wording of this particular invite being patronising. But (if I understood this correctly) given you’ve already made the birthday boy a full meal at your house in celebration I think it’s pretty poor form of her to ask you to a meal you have to cook for too.

Obviously the polite thing to do is to just suck it up. Maybe buy something from the shop you don’t have to do anything to. But if you really don’t want to go you could just reply with something like:
Hi Mary, since we already had our chance to contribute by hosting you both last week, so we’ll skip this one. Have a great time. -drivingbelle x

Yes, it is. They've done the same in the past. I was happy to do this and happy to make something very special and spend money on that, lots of drink and a gift. But to have to now provide a plate when she's organising a slightly larger gathering of three couples to celebrate his birthday again, I kind of think is a bit of a cheeky request.

I know, there was no discussion about money beforehand.

Just take a plate and see what they offer to put on it.

This is very common overseas, Brits are just so bloody uptight it's deemed as rude somehow. What's wrong with it?!

You're not wrong about it being a cheeky request @drivingbelle, I'd be giving the tapas night a miss.

What is this 'bring a plate' phrasing about?! It's getting massively on my nerves reading this thread - a plate is what you eat from surely, is everyone going to be launching at a single plate of food?! What is on this plate?! I assume it means bring a dish. God I'm so pedantic but urgh.

Having dinner done to you us the absolute best description of a terrible dinner!

Years ago a very young colleague was invited to someone's house and was asked to bring a plate. He did exactly that, not knowing the implication that it had to have something on it, he thought they were short of crockery! He was the same one who invited people to his flat and served garlic bread, a couple of slices of Mother's Pride with a few whole garlic cloves in between.

I hear you. I have one of those friends that likes to gather people and every time it’s potluck style. I’m so sick of it. If you can’t be bothered to host properly let’s gather at a restaurant or coffee shop for a coffee and we all get on with the rest of our day

Llump of Brie, pack of oat cakes, bunch of grapes job done. And think twice about accepting again. She sounds v annoying.

People are so odd. Unless you're all poor students tell her to get fucked.

How many birthdays does this person need?

Pick up a cheesecake and turn up.