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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Conflict with college should I say something?

20 replies

MaryDmc · 21/10/2024 19:40

Ive recently started a new job and have been getting on well with the new team. Another woman started at the same time and we have been getting on, supporting each other and I would have felt closest to her as we were doing the same things.
She was off last week sick and ive noticed since shes been back she's been very cold to me, almost ignoring me and giving one word answers when I ask her anything. I initially put it down to her still not being well but ive seen her laughing and joking with other members of the team throughout the day. Im really not sure if ive done something to annoy her. The only thing I can think of is I was talking to another colleague who had also called in sick last week and we were joking about different generations attitudes to sick leave. My DH thinks im being paranoid and just to leave it but I was thinking of maybe messaging her just to check how she's feeling maybe mention id noticed she wasnt her self and see if she needs anything? Or would that be too much? It really affected me the rest of the afternoon in work and I felt quite awkward chatting to the team with her there as she was clearly annoyed about something and I worry she will influence other people. She would be more of a dominant personality in the office and makes a point of getting involved in everything. Should I just ignore this and get on with work? Am I being unreasonable to message her to try and clarify whats going on?

OP posts:
MaryDmc · 21/10/2024 20:18

Anyone?

OP posts:
MaryDmc · 21/10/2024 22:02

So should I message her or just leave it, its making me feel unwell thinking about going into work tomorrow

OP posts:
sakura06 · 21/10/2024 22:05

Oh no. I'm sorry this happened. I don't have any good advice. Perhaps you could just send her some well wishes and see if she responds? Try not to worry about it if you can.

ChinaVase · 21/10/2024 22:06

Sounds difficult. If I were you I would find the time to have a quiet chat with her and ask her if she’s ok, as you’ve noticed that she’s been off with you, and you wonder whether you have unwittingly caused offence. I would say that you’re still finding your way in the new job and so no doubt you’ve made loads of mistakes, and that you really appreciate how kind and welcoming she has been. Just be really nice, dont accuse her of anything. Hopefully there is a simple explanation

Bullaun · 21/10/2024 22:06

What is it you think you’ve done to annoy her —by joking about different generations’ attitudes to sick leave, were you implying she’d taken leave needlessly?

Pinkelephant66 · 21/10/2024 22:07

I’d message if it’s worrying you that much. What’s the worst that could happen?

Bullaun · 21/10/2024 22:07

ChinaVase · 21/10/2024 22:06

Sounds difficult. If I were you I would find the time to have a quiet chat with her and ask her if she’s ok, as you’ve noticed that she’s been off with you, and you wonder whether you have unwittingly caused offence. I would say that you’re still finding your way in the new job and so no doubt you’ve made loads of mistakes, and that you really appreciate how kind and welcoming she has been. Just be really nice, dont accuse her of anything. Hopefully there is a simple explanation

But she’s also a new starter, so she won’t have been ‘kind and welcoming’ — she’s just as new as the OP.

Mickey79 · 21/10/2024 22:13

I would just leave it. But I don’t have the patience. If there’s a problem I expect grown adults to speak up, not act like teenagers and adopt a mean girls approach.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/10/2024 22:14

I don’t think it’s wise to “joke” with colleagues about things like this - joking about sickness and how sick somebody has to be before not dragging themselves into work isn’t funny in the first place, and especially not when you’re new and have no idea whether the colleague you were “joking” with thought it might be rum fun to stir the pot and tell the other new colleague “here, have you done something to upset Mary? She was moaning to me this morning about thinking you were skiving off pretending to be sick last week.” I wouldn’t say anything to the new colleague; but I also wouldn’t expect her to be friendly towards you when what you said does essentially imply you judge whether your colleagues are “sick enough” to be off work.

MaryDmc · 22/10/2024 00:26

Thanks everyone for responding, I decided not to message as I think it will make me more anxious particularly if she doesn't respond or sends a not very warm message back. No idea if she is offered or not or if she even heard the work comment. Just going to leave it and focus on work

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 22/10/2024 00:50

I wouldn't speak to her about it, just carry on being pleasant and get on with your work. If she's not grown up enough to speak to you if she's upset about something, that's her problem. Ignore her behaviour and concentrate on doing your job.

Klozza · 26/10/2024 02:09

It depends what you weee ‘joking’ about exactly when it comes to sickness. If you were saying something about a certain generation taking more sick than others or when not needing it etc, even if you felt you were joking it could definitely be seen as you being a bitch snide or bitchy, so I guess it definitely depends on what was said.

Edingril · 26/10/2024 02:11

I would leave it you are not back at school just focus on your work

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/10/2024 05:25

You owe her nothing.
Why should you go out of your way to be good to her when her attitude to you is bad?

Ask her what her problem is, just get her off guard, you owe her nothing. She owes you an apology and from now on just be cautious around her, she's not the sharpest tool in the box and if she can't be civil to you then discuss nothing with her apart from work stuff and be direct and assertive as she may think you are easy to manipulate, stand your ground.

Inspireme2 · 26/10/2024 05:52

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/10/2024 05:25

You owe her nothing.
Why should you go out of your way to be good to her when her attitude to you is bad?

Ask her what her problem is, just get her off guard, you owe her nothing. She owes you an apology and from now on just be cautious around her, she's not the sharpest tool in the box and if she can't be civil to you then discuss nothing with her apart from work stuff and be direct and assertive as she may think you are easy to manipulate, stand your ground.

This.
Including it takes time to suss out peoples personailties, attitudes and behaviour.

HappyTwo · 26/10/2024 06:10

Irridescantshimmmer · 26/10/2024 05:25

You owe her nothing.
Why should you go out of your way to be good to her when her attitude to you is bad?

Ask her what her problem is, just get her off guard, you owe her nothing. She owes you an apology and from now on just be cautious around her, she's not the sharpest tool in the box and if she can't be civil to you then discuss nothing with her apart from work stuff and be direct and assertive as she may think you are easy to manipulate, stand your ground.

Of course you owe her nothing - but I am more concerned with your needs. Have a quiet chat with her and ask if everything’s ok - communication is key in all aspects of work

EmberAsh · 26/10/2024 06:12

If I'd been unwell and returned to work to find someone I thought was my friend was making jokes about my attitude to going off sick I wouldn't be impressed.
I'm not condoning her behaviour since but she might have decided you're not who she thought you were.

wiesowarum · 26/10/2024 06:14

Why were you 'joking about different generation's attitude to sick leave', especially when a staff member was actually sick? What did you actually say?

autienotnaughty · 26/10/2024 06:32

I wouldn't message, if you get chance to speak to her face to face you could ask if everything is okay

ZoeDavoMCR · 26/10/2024 09:52

It’s obviously the laughing about different generations attitude to sick leave and you know it

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