House renovations causing massive stress

[tiredneedcoffee]

Hi!

First time posting here but could do with some insights....

My OH and I (together 9yrs) bought our first house earlier in the year. We've had to take on more renovation work than we thought and it's taken months. We've not got much money left (who has after a house purchase!?) so are doing lots of the DIY ourselves. We're not currently living in the property.

Here's where my question comes in. He's getting annoyed at me for, in his eyes, not doing a good enough job and tells me so. In fairness he also says his attempts are not good, but it's making me nervous to even try as I don't want him to get stressed and annoyed that the quality of my work isn't good enough. It's also really eroding my self-confidence. I've never done DIY before, never plastered a wall etc, so of course it's not going to look brilliant, but I am trying hard, using youtube vids to have a go etc. I've also tried to remind him that DIY youtubers etc are probably not really 'beginners' so it's unlikely a realistic comparison.

He doesn't want to hire professionals in, wants to do it all ourselves so we learn the skills, which is fine, but I am feeling such pressure. I said to him it's OK for it not to be perfect but he says I am being defeatist and it's p1ss1ng him off. Yesterday he'd had enough and went home, and didn't really speak to me for the whole afternoon and evening. I've cracked on with jobs but I am so worried for him to see my attempts from the afternoon in case they don't live up to his standards and he gets annoyed again. I've been in tears a few times thinking it's not good enough.

I suggested making a project list of all the jobs, what tools we need etc but he refused. So we turn up to the house and I will admit I don't really know where to start, and that annoys him too. I like a list and a plan, but he just won't communicate well with me.

AIBU for accepting a DIY job is unlikely to look as good as a professional one, or am I being defeatist and should take more pride in doing a good job? AIBU for thinking it's about me, maybe it's the general stress of the project and I should make more of an effort to not end up crying?

I don't know how to manage this, it's not like him and I don't want it to cause a rift between us but its causing me such anxiety every time I do some sort of work on the house. Am I the problem here? :(

Where's home for you, is it with him or elsewhere?

I couldn't cope - A. with a house that needed renovation, B. having to do it myself and C. being told my hard work is useless anyway!

I'd leave him to it and make him a packed lunch with a few treats and let him crack right on..

A big project like a house renovation is stressful and will show the cracks in your relationship a bit like having a newborn.
He has poor communication skills, unrealistic expectations, and generally a shitty attitude.

If he doesn't sort it out, I'd see this is a view into the future and reconsider whether he was the man for me.

Amateurs doing work are always going to bodge it a bit, but you get to look at it and feel a sense of achievement. Why would someone who has never done something before be as good as a professional, that's pure madness.

Jeez plastering is a very skilled thing to do. No DIYer will do a good job first try.

Absolutely you need a list and a plan otherwise the whole task will seem completely overwhelming.

You're right, he's wrong.

You are NOT the problem. He's a fuckwit. A stressed fuckwit I suppose but that's no excuse to behave this way. The problem is YouTube, Tictok and Facebook making it all look quick and easy. They rarely show the mess or the knock on effect of having to move everything into another room etc. I'm living in a building site with dh and two kids, one a baby, and it is SO shit at times. My dh is a carpenter and has plastered small things in the past but we paid someone to come plaster half our recently insulated bedroom, as we just knew it would take him so long, he'd have to buy some extra tools, and we just need to speed it up so we can get back in our bedroom after 18month of squishing in the spare room. My dh is pretty shit at communicating at times and has plans in his head, then gets a bit annoyed when I do things a bit differently so we do end up getting grumpy with each other. House renovations are always going to be stressful at times, but he needs to compromise and realise his approach isn't working for you. It's not just his house and you're not his labourer.

This sounds like a nightmare. Of course, YouTube DIYers aren't realistic. They're all trying to sell a vision. Good tradesmen can charge a fortune because it's a skill that takes time to learn and not everyone can do it.

On his feedback, you need to tell him to be constructive or shut up. That is, he needs to show you how to make it better or tell you things you can fix easily (eg you missed a spot in the corner). That's the only comment he gets to make. Put headphones in and don't listen. Or better still, every time he criticizes your work, it's £5 in a jar to pay a professional.

Being realistic, there are some jobs that are easier to DIY than others. Plastering is really difficult if you're dealing with walls than are in a bad state! Can you pay someone to do that and DIY painting, sanding, filling cracks? You will get better over time and by learning from mistakes but only if you're allowed to make them.

Plastering is really hard to do like a professional! I'd say it's the one thing worth getting a pro in if you're fussed about finish, and my DH is handy, can replace a kitchen, bathroom etc. Ceiling plastering in particular is a very skilled task.

Are there any friends or relatives who can help you out? Anyone who has some experience who can teach you? It is all well and good saying he wants everything as DIY but you cannot then expect incredible results if this is your first try at something. No one comes out of the womb adept at plumbing or plastering. As someone who has learned these skills over the last 30 years I can tell you that usually you practise and practise, so you do it in an area that won't be seen ie behind furniture and you wipe things off and start again. My first tiling job was on a piece of MDF or ply so I could practise on that. I think you are both in a rush to sort out the house and so you need to call in anyone who can help you or pay for a professional and watch them, ask them questions, learn from them.

I would not plaster ever and I am a woman who fits her own bathrooms, tiles, does basic electrics, decorates, lays flooring and fills holes in walls. I have as a friend decorated people's houses as my Mum taught me to hang wallpaper when I was 15.

Plastering takes years to learn. This is absolutely something I would leave to professionals. If you do it yourself badly, it will only need redoing by professionals in due course anyway. Best to just get it done right the first time.

Why do you need to "learn the skills?". Presumably you have jobs and other commitments in your life. What do YOU want to do?

He's underestimated what actually goes into a renovation and how much it actually costs. He's scape goating and bullying you to manage his stress.

Honestly I'd sit him down and have a 'come to Jesus' chat. Say you've both underestimated the costs involved. That despite watching all the YouTube videos of successfully renovating a house without experience, that's not real life. That it's now time to get real and work out how to move forward without playing the blame game.

He’s monumentally unreasonable to be telling you off for not doing something well that is a skilled job you have no experience of.
he also sounds like he’s using you as a punchbag for his own shortcomings and frustration at his own ability.

but you need to take control of your situation a bit. If he won’t plan, it doesn’t mean you can’t.
you start making a list of jobs in each room.

get a big piece of paper that can be stuck up in each room of what needs doing.
then mark on it if it’s realistically achievable to DIY it or if it’s not.
trying to do plastering yourself is IMO not one of them. Plasterers in the grand scheme of things aren’t even that expensive and if means you’ll get further on much quicker.

if after you’ve identified the jobs he still won’t engage then I’d be telling him that this is a road to separation and selling the house, probably at a loss if it’s only part done so he can decide what he wants. But he only had a day as otherwise you make the decision instead.

There’s a reason the trades like plastering are so expensive. My other half is a tradesman he’s taken years to learn it, he’s a nepo baby so it’s been taught from father to son and on.

hes a knob for taking it out on you. I think I’d be having a long hard think about how I want this to play out and what I want at the end of it.
if this is how he behaves at the first sign of trouble what if your ill etc. is he who you want in your corner

There’s a reason trade apprenticeships are 3-4 years long!

1sr rule of renovations and DIY is to know your limits. Yes it’s great to learn new skills but you have to take your time and learn. My dh is great with anything electrical but won’t touch anything water related for example

Your plan to have a list is vital, how can you know what needs doing if you haven’t assessed what’s there and what the end goal is (and it’s really satisfying scoring things off it too!)

My guess is that he’s frustrated at his own lack of skills and is taking that out on you, which is TOTALLY UNREASONABLE

Oh fuck him for doing this to you. You basically can't win as he has made himself the boss and critic in your life and he's angry with the world because his pride is being eroded because he assumed that he would be good at DIY and he's shit. I would lose all respect and love for someone who thinks it's OK to make my life miserable because they can't handle their own failures.