Doubts in LTR

[Shouldideletethat]

I am having doubts about my long term relationship of 5.5 years. I'm not sure if it's normal to have some niggling doubts or if it spells the end. Our relationship isn't necessarily bad but I've wanted to get married for a while and he keeps making excuses to put it off and I generally feel undervalued. I love him and he is my best friend but I'm worried that I'm going to look back with regrets and wondering if he's really in it if he hasn't proposed after almost 6 years. I think he has it quite good as I do all the cleaning and day to day running of the house and contribute a lot financially but I still feel like I'm not really good enough. If you're in a happy relationship, have you ever had doubts and eventually got over them?

What excuses is he making? You need to get tough on him OP, he's pissing you about. You sound much too nice for him and he sounds like he's taking you for a ride.

Why would he propose? Old saying, he's "getting wife work for girlfriend wages", stop doing everything for him.

@heldinadream Mostly financial excuses like wanting to have more saved for the wedding. He has also made comments along the lines of not trusting me financially and wanting to protect his money. I don't think I've ever given him a reason to doubt me on that front but he has always been wary of it and said things about exes taking his money etc.

@Shouldideletethat Who owns the house?
He's happy using you for your finances.
There won't ever be children in this relationship if he's so worried about protecting his money because it will be you left unprotected with a child, not him.

We own the house 50/50

This would be a deal breaker for me personally. If he's not ready to get married after 5.5 years I would leave.

Honestly I would advise you to get the fuck out now. He is just not going to marry you. Don't get pregnant.
Get out.

Deep down I know he is just stalling and I don't think he has any intentions to marry me but tells me everyday he loves me and anytime I've suggested I may not be happy he's always grovelling to try and keep me. Even discussing what ring I'd want etc but I know he's done nothing about it. I just don't get it!

I'm also 33 and it's so scary the thought of starting again and any chance of getting married, kids etc would be even further away 😟i know that sounds pathetic

At your age you can't fuck about

Rip the plaster off.

Also why are you providing maid service? Just why????

It's called future faking and it's almost certainly a cynical attempt to hang on to you because you conveniently provide him with what he wants without him having to give you what you want. He's low, OP.

He has absolutely no reason to marry you ~ except that you'd like him to. This is of no importance to him, because really, why should he keep a cow when milk is free?

Why do you do all the cleaning and run the house? Does this include doing his washing?

Yeah, this.

There’s nothing wrong with someone not wanting to get married, it’s a valid choice if a person feels that way. But it’s not okay to string someone along who you know does want marriage when you know that isn’t going to happen.

The other factor is kids, he already is doubting finances, so do you really think this is a man who will contribute financially to all things baby- pram, crib, bottles, milk, clothes, or financially support you while on maternity life? Childcare fees?

Do not have a baby without being married.

@2024onwardsandup Yup I do his washing too. I don't know how it's got to the point I do all the cleaning, I think his standards are lower than mine so it got to the point I'd just do it so the mess didn't bother me. I do agree what incentive does he have when I do everything without a ring. But even that doesn't feel like enough!

@Mrsttcno1 I agree I absolutely wouldn't have kids with him until we were married but at this rate that's never happening!

Why do you think that you have to do his washing and clean up after him to be “enough” for him?

Spoiler alert. You don’t. Work on your self worth and ditch him.

This, a billion per cent.

Tbh he doesn't sound good enough for you anyway, even if he did want to marry you.

I would leave now whilst you’re still young.

He doesn’t want to get married, end of story.

I also wonder why you’re doing all that “wife work” when you both work full time - I’d question that even if you were married!

You have a choice to make then at that point.

If marriage & kids are crucially important to you, then you need to leave and find someone you can do that with.

If just being with him makes you happy, and you’d be willing to sacrifice marriage and kids for the sake of a relationship that makes you very happy right now, then that’s up to you.

Neither choice is inherently wrong. It just depends on what is important to you and personally I think especially children is one thing you should never compromise on. If you don’t want them you should never compromise and have one for the sake of a partner, and if you do want them then you shouldn’t compromise and not have them for the sake of a partner, it’s far too big and too life changing to be compromised on. So you need to decide what is most important to you personally.

Oh OP this isn't good. For the love of god DO NOT GET PREGNANT. He has you running around after him cooking, cleaning & doing his washing (WTF?) despite presumably both of you working FT, and I'm also guessing you contribute 50% of the mortgage & bills regardless of any financial discrepancy in earnings. He's no intention of marrying you - move on OP, work on your self-worth and find a man who treats you like a partner rather than a skivvy.

What makes it's worse is you can almost guarantee that within 6 months of ending it, he'll have either proposed or be expecting a baby with another women. So predictable but don't leave it too late for you to find your perfect match.

Yes I have no intention of getting pregnant without being married. Getting married is important to me and I feel like he's just wasting my time but I'm already 33 and worried if I leave I'll be even further away from what I want 😟what a mess. I think he did make me happy but now I feel resentment that he's still not proposed but claims he loves me and wants to marry me. I think you are all correct that he is just stringing me along while he gets a maid and someone to split the finances with.

I don’t like time frames in a relationship. I feel they can ruin an otherwise good thing.