Concerns about DS’ ex - should I do something

[FlippyFlopsyBunny]

I’m feeling very conflicted to the point it’s keeping me up so I’m going to seek some advice.
My DS (25) was in a relationship of a little over 2 years, he broke up with her 6 months ago and went no contact, she’s 22 now.
I won’t give away anything super identifying about her as I don’t think that is fair, but she isn’t from the UK, she moved here at 18 mid covid for a job. The job comes with a lot of pressure, particularly in the way she acts and presents herself and a lot of travel. Her family appear to be relatively unbothered by her, they’ve never visited her for example.
She and DS had a pretty toxic relationship, they didn’t spend much time together, she was either travelling with work or partying, he prioritised his friends. They both treated the other poorly, cheating etc. He decided to break up with her as he felt they were bringing out the worst in each other. They went no contact until about 2 months ago when they ran into each other on a night out.
DS approached his sister for advice recently and then she came to me with it and since then I’ve spoke to DS about it. Basically when they ran into each other they decided to try be friends. Since then he’s noticed her behaviour/personality taking a concerning turn. She doesn’t have any proper friends (she has people she works with and parties with but no one who will come over if she is sad for example). Her family are disinterested and he’s really worried something awful is going to happen.
She has always used cocaine on nights out at parties, he said he went over to hers recently on a weekday morning to pick something up and realised she had used cocaine that morning. She also makes comments like “fuck it not like I’m going to live past 25 anyway” and jokes seemingly about suicide. DS has noticed she’s making increasingly risky choices, is losing weight (extra concerning as she was always very skinny), doesn’t seem to interact with any healthy hobbies she used to have like tennis.
Now DS is absolutely terrified that something awful will happen and he will spend the rest of his life feeling like he should have done something, he confided in DD and she felt like it was out of her depth and consulted me.
TBH I’m at a loss at how we help her? She will never consider therapy she’s prides herself on resilience etc.
She has no family here at all, her dad is in one country and her mum another. Dad pays for her life more or less from what we can tell and mum has a new family now and is generally uninterested. No family and no contacts for anyone she works with.
I do have her mums number, back when they were together we all went on holiday and she ended up in hospital (nothing serious fainted and gave herself concussion) and her mum asked me to update as DS wasn’t very good at it. She came across cold even then (not really showing concern past “is it bad enough I need to fly there”).

AIBU to feel totally lost at how to approach this? She is actually a lovely girl under the surface but definitely has the tough exterior. I don’t want anything awful to happen to her and it feels like no one else is looking out for her. Should I message her mum?

I would. I couldn't stand by and do nothing.

Tall to your son before you do anything

As long as DS is ok with that, then yes I would.

I doubt it will do any good though as she seems very disinterested.

It sounds like the ex needs professional help - has DS suggested anything like this to her?

This is not your problem. I can only see it dragging your son into something he doesn’t want or need to be in (or does he?). Only he can talk to his ex, but I doubt it’ll make much difference. Perhaps you should avert your attention from her situation to your son and have a conversation with him about what he should or shouldn’t do. Don’t get involved! She’s an adult.

I don’t know that contacting her mother would achieve much if she’s already remote and detached from her daughter.

I would encourage your DS to express his concerns to her and offer his support. You could also get in touch with her and offer support. In the absence of a close parental relationship, you might be able to be something of an ‘older, wiser’ person to talk to. She sounds very lonely.

I absolutely agree. Advise her to have counselling. She is an ex and not his responsibility. Contact her family if you are worried.

Im conflicted about this one. On one hand it’s awful to watch someone self destruct, on the other hand I have a faint sense of personality disorder coming through. This means your efforts to help could be used as an extra source of attention for the woman and you wind up being drawn in and manipulated.
Even if she was genuine, it’s difficult to get someone to turn their life around without significant input and the help of professionals.
I think you have a duty to raise the alarm. If your son could raise the alarm with her family (regardless of how involved they are), or if she threatens suicide he calls the authorities etc, or even if there is a work colleague of hers he can tell.
If you do decide to reach out make sure you have extremely healthy boundaries and a realistic view of what you can contribute.

The OP IS planning to contact her family.

Yes I would make her family aware so they can (hopefully). support her.

A very difficult situation OP but yes I do think you should get in touch with her Mum. It might not do any good but I think if you don't and anything happens to the young woman you will feel really guilty.

Has your son told the young woman herself that he is concerned about her well being? know it's difficult for him to do so without appearing to want to get more involved in her life when he really doesn't want that. But I think he should be frank with her and tell her he is concerned about her and advise her talk to her GP or point her in the direction of organisations designed to help people with drug habits.

In situations like this I always think "would I want to be told" if it was my child?

If your answer is yes then you need to inform her family!

Popping over to pick something up in the morning? Your son is very likely sleeping with her again after they've agreed to be friends (with benefits). It sounds like she's invited a toxic ex back into her life, who will happily sleep with her 'as friends', but doesn't want to get too close to her. That's obviously not great, but really nothing unusual, is it? Especially for an isolated/lonely person.

It sounds like your son has now realised she's a human being, not just an object. If he now feels guilty for sleeping with her (and potentially compacting her loneliness) then that's his stuff to process.

It sounds a bit to me like he's hamming up her vulnerability so he can turn his guilt into concern, and go from feeling like a villain to feeling like a hero.

If this is what has happened, he should apologise to her. Hopefully he's stopped sleeping with her by now.

The stuff about her parents not being overly involved... She's an adult woman and she left them to move to a different country. I'm not sure it would be fair to expect her family to fly out all the time to see her. Has she visited them much?

Also, if her dad is paying for her life, what's the point of this high pressure job she's got? If he's giving her extra support, it sounds like he is quite a caring father.

If she's got a drug habit, that's a shame, it's a waste of money and obviously bad for her health. She's 22 though, and she has chosen her lifestyle. She is also free to change it, if she wants.

I'd suggest therapy for your son, actually.