AIBU over in laws & photos of newborn?!

Boymumtobe09 · 2024-10-20T23:13:14+00:00

I was at a family event with my newborn this weekend with the ILs (DH wasn’t there) and MIL & SIL were holding my baby & got lots of group shots of them with the extended family. Not once was I asked to be in any of the photos - AIBU to think this was quite rude? I’ve been married to DH for 10 years but came away from the event feeling like I’m still not viewed as part of the family. Also surely it’s a bit odd to have lots of photos of a baby with all the family except its mum?!

WhatsInTheRug · 21/10/2024 00:15

Ask your DH to get them to send over the photos and specifically some pics of you .... then when they realise it may hit home

Hurtful I agree

Screamingabdabz · 21/10/2024 00:22

Yep that’s definitely one to follow up with DH.

It’s actually very shortsighted on their behalf because they may be cooing over the baby now, but by alienating you, they risk not getting as full a relationship in the future with their GC as they would like.

Whaaaaaat · 21/10/2024 00:23

My in-laws did this to me - they even sent me out of the room to make a cup of tea for everyone when I was recovering from a C-section.
Its horrible. This behaviour continued with my in-laws. I don’t think any of them have ever really taken a photo of me.
They are very much an ‘only blood is family’ sort of family.
It depends whether your in-laws were just caught up in the moment and ‘forgot’ to take one of you, or whether it was deliberate like my in-laws.

AutumnLeaves24 · 21/10/2024 00:28

Maybe it was just thoughtless? Just thinking they wanted a photo with the baby that they don't see everyday (like you do)?? I take loads of photos of baby's/children/dogs I don't get to see every day, I focus on the baby/child not the parents...

Do they usually leave you out?

ElsaLion · 21/10/2024 00:32

My PIL also did this to me, two weeks post-partum when they came to visit our baby (their first grandchild) for the first time. Many photos were taken of MIL posing with baby, photos of DH with his father, PIL together etc, yet not a single photo of me with my baby. I had endured an 18 hour labour, forceps delivery and concerning blood loss, yet had spent so much time preparing and tidying up before their visit.

Needless to say, this was probably the least of their unpleasantness towards me, and we are no longer in touch with them ,

MsPavlichenko · 21/10/2024 00:35

Whaaaaaat · 21/10/2024 00:23

My in-laws did this to me - they even sent me out of the room to make a cup of tea for everyone when I was recovering from a C-section.
Its horrible. This behaviour continued with my in-laws. I don’t think any of them have ever really taken a photo of me.
They are very much an ‘only blood is family’ sort of family.
It depends whether your in-laws were just caught up in the moment and ‘forgot’ to take one of you, or whether it was deliberate like my in-laws.

Why on earth did you go and make tea? You had a newborn baby, sit still surely.

Aimtodobetter · 21/10/2024 08:52

It's a bit weird but could easily be thoughtless, or even thoughtful from a different perspective (I personally didn't want lots of photos of me soon after birth), rather than deliberately exclusionary. I'd be more focused on how they treat you in other circumstances i.e. do they check with you before taking the baby, try to make sure you're comfortable and looked after, try to offer genuine help, etc. You'll have a clear sense for the overall vibe quite quickly I think (e.g. when I had my son one of my sisters was surprisingly wonderful and my other wasn't interested in anything except using my baby to prove to her boyfriend she was marriage material).

Rocknrollstar · 21/10/2024 09:16

Why were you letting the baby be passed round and letting people hold her? Next time refuse to pass her round

Alina3 · 21/10/2024 09:42

You will know now next time not to pass her around.

I can see this both ways. In our family it would be really weird, cos when we go to take group pics we get everyone included. If they took a few and then made sure to get you into the new few then fair enough. If they just took tonnes of pics of them and the baby and none including you then yes that's weird.

You still don't feel like part of the family despite being together a decade, so I think this is reading differently than it would if you were a happy included part of the family.

amothersinstinct · 21/10/2024 09:44

From someone who is now divorced from children's father I'm quite glad there are lots of photos just me and my family and the children with grandparents etc

StrawBeretMoose · 21/10/2024 09:48

I wouldn’t have been letting my baby be passed around. There was a big celebration in my family when DC1 was very little and I used a sling to avoid this.

I don’t know if I would care about the photos though, I don’t feel like part of DH’s family, I’ve got my own family.

sagebomb · 21/10/2024 09:55

WhatsInTheRug · 21/10/2024 00:15

Ask your DH to get them to send over the photos and specifically some pics of you .... then when they realise it may hit home

Hurtful I agree

I did this.

We had a family celebration and mil wanted pics of family. Then handed me the camera to take the pics!. I've been married to her son for over 20 years!.

It's bloody rude.

Whaaaaaat · 21/10/2024 10:04

MsPavlichenko · 21/10/2024 00:35

Why on earth did you go and make tea? You had a newborn baby, sit still surely.

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I was a doormat back then. I was told to make it, so I did (in agony). I had complications following the birth too. I’m not like that anymore, I grew a backbone. We aren’t even in contact with them anymore. Their behaviour was generally horrible.

Original poster

Boymumtobe09 · 21/10/2024 10:12

Rocknrollstar · 21/10/2024 09:16

Why were you letting the baby be passed round and letting people hold her? Next time refuse to pass her round

As long as my baby isn’t crying or unhappy then I’m fine for family to have a cuddle - I just felt it was rude that they did all these family photos and I wasn’t asked to be in any of them!

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 11:00

Boymumtobe09 · 21/10/2024 10:12

As long as my baby isn’t crying or unhappy then I’m fine for family to have a cuddle - I just felt it was rude that they did all these family photos and I wasn’t asked to be in any of them!

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It is rude. Have you mentioned it to your DH? If so, what did he say?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/10/2024 11:01

They want a photo of the baby.

Ideally of themselves with the baby to show their friends - all my friends who have become aunties or grandmothers have photos of themselves with the baby on their phones to show off to us all.

You aren’t the star attraction, it’s the baby. In my experience you become basically invisible for a good 3-6 months. My own mum used to forget to say goodbye to me after gushing Goodbye to the baby.

FeedingThem · 21/10/2024 11:08

ElsaLion · 21/10/2024 00:32

My PIL also did this to me, two weeks post-partum when they came to visit our baby (their first grandchild) for the first time. Many photos were taken of MIL posing with baby, photos of DH with his father, PIL together etc, yet not a single photo of me with my baby. I had endured an 18 hour labour, forceps delivery and concerning blood loss, yet had spent so much time preparing and tidying up before their visit.

Needless to say, this was probably the least of their unpleasantness towards me, and we are no longer in touch with them ,

Why didn't your partner take any photos? Why didn't he tidy up and prepare?

I love a baby photo of me and baby. I have a relationship with the mother not contingent on them having a baby so my relationship with the baby is an additional thing that isn't specifically about the adult. However I do always make a point of taking photos of Mom with the baby and I offer to do it loads for Moms when they're taking the group photo because it's important baby has lots of photos with both parents

Original poster

Boymumtobe09 · 21/10/2024 11:21

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/10/2024 11:01

They want a photo of the baby.

Ideally of themselves with the baby to show their friends - all my friends who have become aunties or grandmothers have photos of themselves with the baby on their phones to show off to us all.

You aren’t the star attraction, it’s the baby. In my experience you become basically invisible for a good 3-6 months. My own mum used to forget to say goodbye to me after gushing Goodbye to the baby.

Yes I totally understand that they want a photo of the baby and I’m not expecting to be the star attraction, but it was the endless group shots of all the ‘blood’ family together with my baby while I sat awkwardly on the side that irked me. I was the only non blood relative at the event and it made me feel really awkward and unwelcome. It wouldn’t have been a big effort on their part to ask me to be in 1 photo (even if they then never showed it to anyone!)

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 11:39

Boymumtobe09 · 21/10/2024 11:21

Yes I totally understand that they want a photo of the baby and I’m not expecting to be the star attraction, but it was the endless group shots of all the ‘blood’ family together with my baby while I sat awkwardly on the side that irked me. I was the only non blood relative at the event and it made me feel really awkward and unwelcome. It wouldn’t have been a big effort on their part to ask me to be in 1 photo (even if they then never showed it to anyone!)

Edited

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I wouldn't attend any of your in-laws' family events without your DH in future. Their behaviour was rude and entitled as though you were just the vessel that carried the baby when you were pregnant and now you have the status of a nanny/childminer, not a valued member of the family.

Screamingabdabz · 21/10/2024 14:58

…so what did your DH say when you told him how they’d made you feel?

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 21/10/2024 15:00

amothersinstinct · 21/10/2024 09:44

From someone who is now divorced from children's father I'm quite glad there are lots of photos just me and my family and the children with grandparents etc

I agree with this. I'm very grateful I have lots of family photos without ex husband in them. I'm sure his family probably feel the same way.

Biffbaff · 21/10/2024 15:19

I understand your feeling snubbed but I also don't see it as a deliberate malicious act of snubbing you. It's very common for people to never think to take pictures of the mother with their baby. You need to ask, otherwise it won't happen. Even from your husband.

Gardenbird123 · 24/10/2024 07:42

It is thoughtless - happened to me too. My husband still thinks it's more important to take photos of his parents.

Don't wait to be asked, tell someone to take your photo - I do.

HappyTwo · 24/10/2024 07:57

mums are usually holding the baby in photos maybe they wanted to hold the baby in the photo and thought it weird to call you to come in and stand at the side in the photo baby less? Unless there is a bigger back story I would not have thought much of it

Bordesleyhills · 25/10/2024 14:03

in my christening photo- husbands family got the baby … sil put my family - yes technically she’s right but her husband was there …I was the babies mum… I was no where