Constantly criticised for not wanting to go “out out”

[EIP]

I'm 30 and have lived and worked in the city for several years. My 20s were full of wild, alcohol-fueled weekends. I'm married now (DH same age) and these days we much prefer a cozy night in together with a bottle of wine or a relaxed dinner out with a couple of drinks, then back home at a reasonable time, waking up fresh the next day.

I still go out with friends for drinks once or twice a month, but most of my time is spent doing more homey things with DH. Several friends have noticed the change and I’m constantly told I’m “boring”, a “recluse”, and wasting my life staying in, given I live in the city and currently child-free.

I seem to be the only one in my social circle (all early 30s) who isn’t interested in late, heavy nights out anymore. So, AIBU for being this way at 30? Would love to know what point you started losing interest in these sort of nights out?

I still remember the relief when I realised I never had to go clubbing again 😂😂😂. Everyone is different.

Thanks everyone. I should point out I’m still in very regular contact with all of my friends and still meet them a couple of times a month. Sometimes this will be for night out with drinks and dancing or it’ll be something else like a day time activity. They are just disappointed that my desire to focus the night on getting drunk these days has really dwindled and I’m normally the first person to go home (around 12am is my cut off now).

I'm 43 and still love a night out. Had oktoberfest the other week which was drinking, dancing and after party (more dancing). Had a great time. Got in about 1am (last year it was 3am) There was a massive group of us, all similar ages so not everyone wants to be in bed every night by 9pm once they hit 30 or 40. BUT I don't think people are boring for not enjoying that kind of night, different people enjoy different things and I wouldn't put pressure on anyone who said they didn't fancy it

I had 4 kids at 30! So my going out and partying time was much younger, I had my first at 24.

As long as you’re still going on adventures, outside your home, there’s no need for excessive drinking. You should take advantage of the cultural opportunities in your city - theater, music, classes, events - before you have children and are forced to stay home more. But never let someone tell you you’re “boring” for not drinking.

I loved going out to nightclubs in my early 20s.
I have just turned 40 and can't think of anything worse than going out anymore. I'm happier chilling out at home.

You might end up friendless with just your partner for company.

Do you have no hobbies or interests? You don't have to drink but a sport, cinema, gig, walk, course, comedy club, exhibition, brunch, play, book club... absolutely nothing.

Who made you go clubbing in the first place? I never did, was more of a pub) live music, biker girl

A lot of people can't have fun without alcohol OP, as sad as that is

I'd say that I probably spent more time in socialising from 30. We'd have one or two nights a week where we socialized out out with work colleagues or did a class and had drinks after with friends separately, but the rest of the time we were at home.

We hosted dinners at our friends houses a lot. In hindsight I wished we'd eaten out a lot more and tried new foods together because I do think when we had kids that was loads harder. And we could have hosted dinner parties then.

How bizarre. When on earth did I say I don’t do any of these things? My post was about my lack of desire for heavy nights out, not my lack of hobbies 🤨

@EIP it's probably because you described your life as being at home doing homey things with your husband and that your friends call you a recluse because you just stay in with him. It doesn't sound like a very rich life but more like one where you live in each others pockets.

I have no kids but I stopped going on these kind of drunken nights out in my late 20s, probably. To be honest, never been a fan of drunken nights out when in a relationship anyway, but these days alcohol doesn’t agree with me at all.

The nights out/in you describe sound perfect to me and my friends are fairly similar, with kids or not. I’m almost 40, now, though.

Do try to maintain your friendships. Cosy nights in with your dh is all very well but if that relationship breaks down or something then those cosy nights in can rapidly become lonely nights in.

Don't assume you can pick up friendships as and when convenient - they need attention and time in the same way as a relationship with a partner.
I've known some of my friends longer than dp and that shared history is really valuable to me.

I do try to do now what might not be feasible a decade from now. I'm 50s so have had decades of going out out but I also know the next ten years are critical health wise. I can't assume I can just do it some other time.

I have to admit that it was only this year, at the age of 42, that I've finally lost my desire for big nights out. And I also admit that I used to think my friends that didn't want to go out out were boring, but now I get it. I can't be arsed to spend so much time getting dolled up, or spending stupid amounts of money, especially in the cold and wet.

I've made some new friends, and we're mostly happy going round to each other's houses with all our kids for bbqs, watching sports etc.

So you still go 'out out' at least once every couple of months, sometimes monthly? And your 'friends' are criticising you for having found something else you enjoy doing that doesn't involve going out out?

They are not real friends. Real friends don't try and bully friends into doing what they want them to do. It's extremely normal for people who enjoyed partying to slow down and stop partying as much. As you get older it's harder to recover from late nights and lots of alcohol.

They are trying to manipulate you into doing something you do not want to do. Consider whether they are actual friends, or frenemies.

It's up to you. I still love going out late and dancing the night away and I'm in my 50s. I have a big group of friends ranging from mid 20s to mid 60s who still enjoy it. Lots of my friends prefer a meal or a gig rather than a 3am finish but each to their own. Don't think it's an age thing as an attitude/preference thing and no one is wrong.

You are happy in your life but your 'friends' want you to make them happy in their lives by going out and having fun with them. That's not your responsibility. They need to accept you as who you are now. I was also an alcohol fuelled wild child when I was younger and I've grown up and like nothing more than spending time in my cosy home with my lovely husband and cat. If you friends don't respect your choices I would take some space from them, they can't force you, through name calling and guilt tripping, to be who you were to meet their needs. And do you really want people who behave like this as friends?

Because you said this:

I still go out with friends for drinks once or twice a month, but most of my time is spent doing more homey things with DH

Most of your time is spent with your husband and you don't mention doing anything else.

"Enjoy your free time in whatever way makes you happy!"

There. Fixed that.