Please help ,child neglect

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Emotionally unavailable parents often display emotional distance, unpredictability, and self-centeredness.. This can lead to feelings of neglect and rejection. Emotionally unavailable parents often display emotional distance, unpredictability, and self-centeredness. Common signs include . This can lead to feelings of neglect and rejection.

This was copy however this made me cry because I think I am emotionally unstable for my daughter. I barely survive every day and she deserves so much more but I can not imagine my life without her . What can I do . I am scared to reach out for help because I am scared they will take her from me , don't get me wrong she is fed , clean, looked after ,just I feel I am not all there emotionally for her,because I am struggling my own demons and sometimes I just want to be left alone . Her presence can frustrate me at those times .

Pls help me

You are meeting many of your daughter’s basic needs, well done. You are also recognising where it would be ‘better if’.

How old is your daughter?

@JovLane she is 4 ,turning 5 in July . I feel like I am not good at all, there is times I just want her to leave me alone but not in a hated way ,my emotional brain can just not take it

Obviously I don’t know what you’re doing or not doing but child neglect is a pretty serious thing and doesn’t generally mean not meeting emotional needs. It sounds like you’ve read one of those guilt inducing instragam posts and got upset.

@towardstheocean I don't think I neglected her in ways of giving food and all that stuff but more like emotionally I am not there at all. If my partner is there or if I am so down I be just lying on sofa ,I feel so guilty

Yeah, that’s not child neglect.

They are not going to take her off you because of what you describe. It sounds like you could use some support though, so if you can, go ahead and ask for it. GP or health visitor could be a good place to start. The feelings you describe sound very normal, I think most people wish their small children would leave them alone at times. It does sound like you are struggling more than most though.

Also make sure you do get some time out for yourself. Can you go and do whatever it is that makes you feel better, and ask your partner to take over at times so you get regular breaks?

It can be.

OP what help are you getting for your mental health? There is nothing you've said that suggests social services would even get involved so don't let fear keep you from seeking help. You've recognised the problem, now you need to do something about it.

@towardstheocean am I crazy ? Because I feel like I am there all day in bed on my phone surely I am so bad ?
This is how I am programmed to feel ? Obv it's not all the time but often . After work if I pick her up I just want my own space ,I do t ignore her but I don't want any emotional attachment, I will cuddle her but not play if that makes sense . Hard to explain

It can be a sign of depression and it can mean you need some extra help but it isn’t child neglect.

When I was pregnant with my second I did a fair amount of lying on the sofa while my eldest played or watched TV and it may not be ideal but sometimes it’s just getting through.

I am not very good at playing with mine. I’m better with the younger one and I can and do read with them but playing - frankly I’m rubbish. But it might be skewed as I don’t remember my parents playing with me much.

Does she like board games? Keep meaning to get some to do with DS!

What I want to say I just struggle emotionally to be present. I am there but I am not at the same time . I don't neglect her needs but I will choose easier options for me not her . Kind of selfish at times . But I love her but I am finding so hard to be there for her ,playing with her is so hard for me too. But the same time I do anything for her if that makes sense. She is not like abused child or anything. I am just dealing with my emotions and feeling she is not getting what she needs

@towardstheocean exactly sounds similar to me ,just I have one child .I prefer board games or smth simple like colouring , reading , not always her choice,she is quite active child ,but still enjoys those things . I have days where I want to be left alone and I have no clue why,my brain just switches off ,it's like demon,hard to explain and I feel so bad for her at those times

You sound overwhelmed and that can make you overstimulated easily. Does she go to school or nursery ?

Definitely reach out for some help. I recognise your feelings (also have a 5 year old!) very well but I take medication and have regular therapy which helps. But I also give myself grace. Life is hard and it sounds like you love your daughter very much.

@Icecreamsss yes she started in September it has been less over it I work and I don't feel any difference in getting break . Plus relationships with her father is no better. No emotional connection there left

I commend you for being honest about this, and being vulnerable on a place like mumsnet. Do you think your own demons might be linked to ADHD or ASD? Being in bed on your phone sounds like you are depressed.
Would it help to identify the sets of needs and then try to tick at least 1 box a day.
A child has 3 sets of needs:

1. basic (food, shelter, a safe environment, care when she is sick, help with personal hygiene),
2. intellectual (someone to answer her questions, read with her, teach her things, play games, make crafts, make sure she has the right life skills appropriate to her age)
3. emotional (knowing how to interpret how she feels, being a listening ear when she is trying to tell you how she feels, treating her with respect when you speak to her and request things of her, affection, a safe environment where there is no sudden anger or blame or shouting, a predictable environment so she knows she is emotionally safe)

Are there any of these you feel you are struggling with? could you organise some very basic activities for no 2 and spend 30 mins with her.
Are there any situations in your life where she may think her environment is not emotionally safe (eg sudden shouting or lots of blaming?)

You need to reach out to your GP for help and support. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Trust me I’ve been there!

@snoopsy thank you so much for this . I like the way you explained,like it worked for my brain .
Maybe I have but undiagnosed ,but I have thought about that it -ADHD but it's all new to me .
I think from what you described mostly I lack her 2 but 3 for sure .But it's mostly on and off . In my head is like oh I want to meet all her needs but in my brain it's like nooooo I hate this life I need rest . So hard to explain

Sounds like you need a trip to the doctor as you sound depressed.
Just start small, maybe just get her to cuddle on the sofa together and look at a book. Watch a film together.
There is more going on in the background and sounds like you need some support. Make that step.

All parents want their children to just leave them alone at times. At that age I would bet most parents feel it at least once a day.

You’re obviously struggling and should go and speak to your GP for your sake.

I think a lot of men are like this but it's less common for women.

Could she go to after school club or grandparents to give you some down time?

I do think parents scrolling on phones is an issue & children are ignored more than in previous generations.

Also could you take her out places like soft play, swimming lessons so you don't have to think of things to do?

I don't think she will be taken off you for this. There's a shortage of foster carers & much worse situations needing support.

Where is your partner in all of this? Can he do the fun stuff with her? Do you have anyone else nearby?

Op - in order to be a wonderful mother to dd you need to address your own needs first. You have taken this step already by posting and recognising that you are not present for her.

Speak to be the doctor and ask immediately for talking therapies.
In the meantime these things will really help connection and require almost no effort from you:

Big baths full of bubbles and get in with her. With her toys and rub her feet and back for a little while
Also relax and ask her to enjoy the warmth of the water

Dinner as a teddy bears picnic is just a blanket on the floor ( that’s literally all you do) and ask her to invite all of her favourite toys

Bring her into bed and cuddle her close. Smell her hair, touch her hands and trace animals on her back

Ask her to read to you and hold her in your arms. If she can’t read, read to her.

Even if you do absolutely nothing else ever, this will make a huge impact on your dd. She will feel loved and cherished, she doesn’t need anything else.

I am so sorry you are experiencing such awful disassociation op, this is not your fault. Clearly you care, and love your child. Small steps. Face mask on yourself and take care of yourself op.

Huge well done for posting so honestly
You have great insight and the post up thread is perfect to identify where you FEEL you are lacking
I felt exactly like you with my DS 1 II was diagnosed with major PND and actually didn't feel truly connected with him until he was 18months
Internet wasn't a thing and he is now 30
I felt I was just just going through the motions and felt huge guilt BUT DD doesn't know what's in your head or how you feel. You're all she knows.
Fake it until you feel it was my motto
I used to sit and read books with him( skipping pages at times) play doh
Blew lots of bubbles,
He was having fun but i was supervising really
Do not feel bad, most importantly, do seek help from your GP
I'm almost certain you have undiagnosed depression and single parenting is very hard
I will add that I am still on antidepressants now)
You are meeting your DDs needs well imo

@Normallynumb omg u are me 😭😭😭😭😭

It was 30 years ago and honestly, he has grown into an emotionally healthy, high achieving man who loves me and has no idea how I felt when he was little so please don't worry.