How do I stop feeling like a househelp/domestic

[Lollyp2]

Hi my People,

I am wondering how to stop feeling like a househelp/ domestic in my own home.

My DH is a good person to everybody, including strangers.
However if I told you how he treats me sometimes you probably would not believe me.

1)I know I am the woman but sometimes I find myself doing so much housework that it kills my energy.
E.g I was working a night shift recently.
Since my DH is an extrovert , he always finds company whether I am around or not.
This time he invited his friend over to stay the night.
Guess who had to sort the bed and towels that this guest would use?
Me.
I finished my night shift, came home to find dishes used by both my DH and his friend.They were not many but guess who cleaned them?

Guess how had to take the bedding out and clean it?
I was feeling exhausted and certainly looked it after my superbly night shift so all my DH offered to do was hang the laundry.

2)My DH as I said is an extrovert and says he draws strength from people.
He finds it hard to stay at home and have a chill time.
When I cannot accompany him to his outings, he catches feelings and yet whenever we go out, he has to hang out with his friends.
It's never just the two of us.
Something that makes me feel boring.

What should I do to stop feeling like he married me to deal with all the housework?

I try to do everything with love but my cup is kind of running almost dry as I get so exhausted.

Sometimes he goes out to hang out with friends and I am left at home as I may be tired or I opt to stay at home because I know the house will be in a mess / dirty if I don't sort it.

Don't know what to do

Why did you sort out the sheets and bedding? Did he hold a gun to your bed and say you need to it?

As above. How did he MAKE you do the bed for his guest?

Have you actually had a conversation about the split of household chores? Maybe he thinks you’re happy to do it?

What does being a woman have to do with anything? Is his penis that big and cumbersome that it gets in the way so he can't tidy?

What would happen if you refused to do it?

Don't do it, just don't. No more than your fair share. What has being a woman got to do with it?

Why are you martyring yourself here. Stop doing so much.

Why on earth are you martyring yourself like this? Doesn't even sound like you were asked?

Draw up a list of everything you do and everything he does. Present him with said list and tell him you need him to split the chores or consider paying for a cleaner

You can’t do much about his personality though - you won’t change that aspect of him as it’s innate

if you don’t like his extroverted ways then consider he is not for you

Stop doing all the domestic stuff, or more than your share of it anyway, Get your H to do all the drudge work for his guests, by simply not doing it for him. People can only treat you how you permit them to.

And what would happen if you went on a two week holiday without him. Would you come back and find him in dirty clothes and starving.

You are not being unreasonable imo; I could have written most of what you did OP.
My DH is also an extrovert, I am not.

You don't say if you're an introvert, but maybe you are.
My DH is a good man, but honestly, I too am worn out with doing for everyone, and he too would think nothing of inviting friends over that I end up catering and cleaning up after for.
He too offered to hang the wash out for me ( gee, thanks) but I guess better than nothing.
Now and then, after a lot of years when he didn't ,my DH now does the washing up, but only after a thousand dishes got washed by me.
I blame women like us for feeling like a servant/slave. We are so used to doing it all, and men, even nice men, are so used to having things done for them they don't even realize that we're starting to tally it up and feel resentful.
I would cut back and not do things and see if DH begins to notice and starts to pull his weight with stuff that needs to be done around the house.
It will be strange not to just do it yourself and you may have to look the other way , but eventually and hopefully, your DH will actually notice and do things himself especially when he had friends over.

Why on earth did you have to sort the bedding? If you didn't do it what would have happened?

Why did you wash up after them? You should have gone to bed and presumed your dh would do them. If you got up and they were still there you say "hey DH can you clean up your dishes please"

Don't have children with him! And stop with this 'I know I'm the women' rubbish. Women used to do the housework in the 1950s because they didn't work outside the house in most cases, the housework was their work. You have a job so housework gets split 50/50. Set up a rota. He cooks half the nights and cleans after he cooks. When cleaning the house my husband vacuums, I do the kitchens and bathrooms when the cleaner is away. If we didn't have the cleaner that's how we would always split it. If your husband is going to a lazy slob then he needs to pay for a cleaner. But honestly, I would be re-evaluating the relationship if he treats you like a maid and I definitely wouldn't bring children into an imbalanced relationship because you will drown.

OP, as soon as I saw your title, I wondered if you're from a certain culture. Upon reading your OP and some of the things you wrote, I can almost tell. For that reason, I think it's an automatic expectation that you'd be doing the majority at least of domestic chores including sorting out the room for guests even though it's his guest.

Well, you either have to continue to follow these expectations or you sit your husband down and have a long chat about how you feel, what you have come to need and expect from him, and what you need for yourself. You can't carry on living like this much longer.

It would have been easier in some countries where you have actual househelps so they help with chores (and sadly often bear most of the burden too without a thought to their wellbeing and energy, but that's another issue).

In the UK (if you're here), it's not something you can easily outsource withour paying a lot as you may know. Your husband is going to have to compromise, even though it may not be how he was raised, but your circumstances are different by living in a different country with very little domestic help. You'll have to have that conversation and change the dynamic or continue to suffer in silence.

Do you have kids, if I may ask? If you do, I'm sure it wouldn't be any easier with kids and you're generally left to do most things with/for them too. You'd need to have these conversations so you can get the respite you deserve.

(My apologies if I'm way off in terms of cultural assumption but my advice is the same either way: Have the long conversation with him and detail what you need and how things are affecting you. Calmly demand immediate and permanent change so you can rest. Not him having to fols clothes for a day or week but an actual time table or roster for who does what, going forward. You're a team and he needs to understand that).

What was it like before you were married? What did you do for fun?

@TheSunAndMoon
you are right on the culture.
We live in Brussels currently.
If culture defines expectations then I feel sad it's happening in the 20th century.

To be honest we have not drawn out chores/ duties but yes I think we should.

I cannot remember the last time my H touched the hoover except when he last bought it.

@Dishwashersaurous we used to visit places, go for walks etc.
We still do afew of those things but mostly I find that he would rather go and see his friends or go do him.

He is a very busy person when it comes to entertaining himself.
He would rather go surfing / swimming with his pals than come pick me up from work sometimes but this is a story for another day.

@sadeightiesthrowback
Yes I think it's time to cut me some slack

@Bananalanacake
I actually want a holiday soon.
Not sure what would happen because recently I went on a 2 day holiday and was about to find a mound of clothes after coming home but guess who saved me? His mum.
So he kindly did some laundry but it didn't dry on the hang lines so his mum who had visited by chance took it with her so that I wouldn't have to find loads of laundry after getting back.
TBH I feel his mother has spoiled him rotten because before we began living together, she would come over to do his housework.

Stop doing these things. If his friends bed isn’t made up DH will have to sort it. Actions are more important than words in these situations. Show by your actions that you are not willing to take this role in his life.

You don’t have to touch his laundry either.

Yeah just stop doing it. If he literally doesn't know how, point him in the direction of some cleaning blogs/YouTube channels or just Google. What you've written doesn't sound like a partnership.

This is ridiculous.

He doesn't bother because you do it.

When my husband's family or friends come - that's his job to sort the guest room 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell him you're unhappy.
You work too and this isn't fair.
If he invites the guest over, then the rule is he deals with all the extra chores.
Make this all clear to him then just stop doing things because you are not his servant.

@Lollyp2 TBH I feel his mother has spoiled him rotten because before we began living together, she would come over to do his housework.

I had one of these… lived together over 10 years.. it never got better. Despite all the promises. He never lifted a finger when he still living at home then when he moved into his own place she still did all his cleaning and washing then I did it all.

You have to have a frank conversation, and mean it, and stick to what you decide because 5 years down the line this will really grind you down and you’ll start to resent him a lot.