To feel like a friendless loser at 40

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

To wonder what is wrong with me as a friend and person ?

Have recently lost my sister 5 weeks ago who was 41 and in a psychiatric ward. She did not commit suicide. Was found unresponsive during observations and after being given medications. Police said probably a reaction to medications but don’t yet know. I am in Australia. On here as we have nothing as good as Mumsnet here.
Our family was very divided as none of my parents were close to their siblings - a lot of division and politics. My Dad has died and most of my grandparents and my Mum is volatile at the moment and at the best of times is a fairly complex. She flew into a wild rage at my 8 year old so no longer feel okay about leaving him alone there.
My own friendships, since having my little boy and being a single Mum, and coping with bouts of anxiety, have found really hard. I find somehow I manage to annoy people or turn friends away without even trying. It sort of feels like my life isn’t happy enough or I’m not together enough.
I’ve felt in the last few weeks that everyone is sympathetic but busy. One friend has had pneumonia and always has a lot on her plate generally, another friend lost a baby, and another friend is having a baby and people just generally aren’t available. I am sympathetic to this but it seems like everyone is always too busy for me.
I have made new friends since moving and they’re really lovely but we aren’t yet that close.
I suppose this post should be about how sad I am about my sister. I am devastated but mostly I feel alone in the world. I feel like there is nobody.
I’m worried for my son in part as he’s an only child and just life in general and the future and growing old with nobody especially as I’m not great at keeping and making friends.

I’ve felt in the last few weeks that everyone is sympathetic but busy. One friend has had pneumonia and always has a lot on her plate generally, another friend lost a baby, and another friend is having a baby and people just generally aren’t available.

I have to say these all seem like valid reasons for being temporarily unavailable. Seems like a question of very bad timing and big (in some cases very distressing) events.

I agree very good reasons although I think it’s always the case that
people are busy or unavailable. Those events didn’t exactly clash either. It’s not as though those friends didn’t offer any support but it always feels like nobody is that invested. I feel like my friendships are few and not strong enough.

Huge hugs. I've experienced losing a sibling too and know how isolating it can be. Are there any support groups for survivors of sibling loss where you are (or online)? I feel the issue of friendships being hard to find as someone who's a single parent and from a complex family situation is separate from, although it exacerbates, the isolation of loss — and it's hard to build friendships after such a distressing bereavement. Perhaps grief support, if it's possible for you at this time, is the first step.

I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is hard.

I think you can’t really criticise your friends for not being there much when your sister died if one has a newborn, one has pneumonia and the third has lost a baby and is dealing with the grief of that.

I expect that you are similarly unable to step up in supporting them because you’re dealing with your own bereavement.

Just want to say how sorry I am that you have lost your sister; I know how devastating it is to lose someone so close to you and grief can make you feel many different ways about things in life x

I felt really alone when I lost my sibling OP. I have other siblings, lovely parents, a supportive DP and yet still felt so lonely. I think that your own personal grief can feel very isolating. Take some time and understand this feeling will get easier. It may be that you do want to change your lifestyle. I definitely felt that and still do to a degree, but for me I'm an introvert and close friendships require a lot of time and effort and right now, that's more than I want to give. It's helped me to know that actually my predicament is on my terms and not because there's a problem with me. Be kind to yourself 💐

Yes, no criticisms, it just highlights how few friendships I have and I would say these friends generally aren’t available and often busy with life.

Thankyou for all the support and advice in general, it means a lot.

This is so insightful and helpful. Thankyou. Just maybe a little depressed at the moment as I’m recalling every negative thing and friend break up.

Be kind to yourself OP. You have suffered a loss so very recently. You are not supposed to be a social butterfly right now. Just get through.

Im so sorry for your loss OP. Not surprising that you are feeling so lonely and without support after such a shocking and traumatic bereavement. And that is is bringing home a more general sense of fear and anxiety about not having anyone there for you or DS. Have you got some counselling? It might help. Thinking of you.

Yeah it does mess with your head. My DB had a slow decline and the turn out to his funeral was low after years of alienating himself. A bit twisted but along with the standard feelings of grief it made me question who would come to my funeral and what is wrong with my own life. It honestly does get easier but it's not a bad thing to reflect and it won't always be negative. I agree counselling might be useful to help you with these thoughts. If you are a bit depressed you don't want to spiral.

In relation to your son, I'm an only child and I didn't have family around growing up as we were immigrants. I was a late in life baby and did worry a bit about my parents dying and being on my own. Both my parents turned out to be long lived though and I married into a big family and had two children of my own. There is no reason to think your son won't be fine as an only child.