To be at a loss with my mum

[spiderface]

Long, complicated story but I will try to condense as much as possible.

My mum has always been quite an anxious person. My dad levelled her out a lot. He took the lead on everything they did - booking holidays, days out, I don't think she ever so much as rang for a taxi or takeaway while he was around. He died suddenly in 2019 and since then she has changed beyond recognition and so has our relationship.

Obviously we were all devastated at the loss of my dad. But I had to keep going for my own young dc. It's like my mum just stopped caring about everyone and everything. Rather than learn to do things herself she has withdrawn, she just stays at home and drinks. I have tried to help her and talk to her but she is completely stubborn and will not even consider that a different life is possible. She won't learn how to do simple things like order things online or take herself for doctors appointments if she's unwell. She complains about how hard life is but does nothing to attempt to make things easier.

The drinking has become a huge problem because her behaviour is erratic and sometimes quite unpleasant. Again, we've spoken about it and she half admits she has a problem and feels ashamed but once again will do absolutely nothing to change. I can't ever see her stopping drinking.

Last month it was dh birthday and we invited mum out with us all for a meal at a nice restaurant. She arrived having already had a drink and carried on drinking throughout the meal. She was pestering the waitresses, kept implying the food was taking ages and had been forgotten, wound up my eldest dc and by the end became visibly anxious and wanted to leave early. It totally put me on edge the whole time and this is not an isolated incident.

I love my mum. But I have lost all patience with her. I spoke to her this morning at about 10am and to me it sounded like she'd already been drinking. Before 10am on a Sunday. I wasn't particularly nice to her on the phone and cut the call short as I've just had enough of it.

I think since I've had children myself I've also reflected a lot on my own childhood and see how drinking happened all around me from a young age and I definitely saw things I shouldn't have. There are so many issues going on and I just miss my mum who I always used to have a close relationship with. I miss my dad everyday and feel his death was the catalyst for her completely going off the rails. But it she won't help herself what more can I do? We have no other family so I feel it's down to me to look out for her but it's becoming draining for me.

Sorry for your loss. This all sounds so hard. Whilst your mum could have depression and it may be 'can't' rather than 'won't', the fact that your Dad did so much for her rather indicates she just expects 'someone' will carry on in this role.

Taking a step back would be so very difficult for you, you obviously love her, but she needs to be in a position where she HAS to do things for herself, because nobody, including you, is going to do things for her.

I hope somebody has more useful advice to give you, here, but there are helplines out there for those dealing with family members with alcoholism to help you navigate that aspect of the issue.

I’ve read similar posts before. Have you posted about it before? I think it’s not an uncommon issue. All you can do is protect your children by distancing them from her and join Al anon.

You can ask your Mum if she wants you to go the GP with her or make her an appointment or even AA but the reality is alcoholics will only stop drinking if they want to.

I have posted before a few times. Always had good advice but sadly nothing has worked. There's no way she'd consider AA, she won't even go to the doctor for genuine medical issues never mind something like this.

I struggle with my own response because I feel I'm being harsher now especially with the drinking. Earlier on the phone she said she was feeling down and I said alcohol won't be helping. I feel like I've become very unsympathetic and then I feel guilty over it.

I see people with really close relationships with their mums. Mums who are really involved and helpful with their grandkids. Days out, holidays together. It just makes me sad I suppose.

Accept your sad feelings. The situation is sad. But clearly she's not going to change so you need to take a step back, easier said than done obviously. Feeling guilty isn't doing you any good .

I see people with really close relationships with their mums. Mums who are really involved and helpful with their grandkids. Days out, holidays together. It just makes me sad I suppose.

You don't have to read too many threads on here to realise that not everyone has the chocolate box happy families lifestyle and relationships with parents that you're sad about not having.
You're original post suggests that your DM had issues with alcohol in your childhood - so was the 'close' relationship before DFs death all that it seemed?

I'm not belittling how hard it must be to deal with or understand an alcoholic parent, but as a PP has said, she's an adult, and will only be able to stop drinking if that is what she wants - you won't be able to guilt trip her into it because it's what you want, or you know that it's in her best interests.

Can you contact her GP, speak about your concerns and ask if they will organise an appointment for your Mum?

Would she listen to a GP?

Have you spoken tl Al anon? You need to realise you can’t fix the issue. You can only protect yourself.

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their Mum. I didn’t, we were never close and then she was very ill for a long. I was a young carer. It maybe worth having some counselling. It’s a cliche because it helps lots of people.

There is absolutely nothing you can do. She's an alcoholic. There is nothing you should be doing, or trying to get her to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You need to protect yourself and your children from her. Pull up the drawbridge. There is support for family and friends of alcoholics via AL-Anon (not AA). They help you work on your own healthy boundaries and provide insight and friendship with others in a similar boat.

The other thing that's bothering me is that she has issues with her health but she's so vague and wishy washy about things that I never know what's really going on. She is under investigation with the hospital for some issues so obviously there are concerns. However she quite often gets drunk and rings me or other people claiming that 'something is wrong' so people drop everything and go to her but actually she's ok, she's just drunk and behaving bizarrely.

It's these kind of things that just make me on edge all the time. I am genuinely worried for her health but I don't know how much of jt is real and how much is embellished after drinking.

It's like she has two personalises - sober, super anxious, very snappy, hates the world. Or drunk - bizarre behaviour, still anxious but in a more theatrical obnoxious way, really hard to be around. Neither are the mum she used to be.

Detach. Only DM can do anything about her alcoholism.

Rinse and repeat. You can’t fix this. Tell her why you’re taking a step back.