Waste of life relationships? Who else?

[Gardenlover121]

I wasted 3 years, (15 years ago), financial resources, emotional resources, etc on a total WOL relationship who also physically, emotionally and financially abused me. Looking back, I can understand why (childhood trauma and other abuse) and in a good relationship now. Anyone else can look back and see their abusive relationship, understand why, and now in a good relationship?

Yep!! I was very young during my abusive relationship (teens and early twenties) but happily engaged to a brilliant man with a son and own a house with him. We laugh every day. He respects me deeply. I honestly could not have imagined it.

I know exactly why I was drawn to my ex, I’m just so grateful I got out when I did and see it as a huge lesson in what I didn’t want in a partnership. I’m sorry you’ve been through the same OP.

Yep. I wasted my early 20s in one and can now see how toxic it was. But now, on reflection, I'm glad it was those years and not now. I know what isn't right and have a wonderful human as a partner now who I have no doubts I will be with for life. If I hadn't had that experience, and I'd met someone "fine" I probably wouldn't have this now.

Ultimately, I can regret the life choices but also be mindful it led to the life I have now.

I mean yeah that’s one way you could look at it. But I don’t think of it as a waste of life, I learned valuable lessons and although he caused me a lot of damage, I think I’ve come out the other side a better person and my god I am appreciative that my DP now is a really good guy, and that life generally is a picnic because I’m not living in that hell anymore. Don’t get me wrong, if I could turn the clock back I’d have run away from him as fast as I could, and he’s the only person in this world that I wish would meet an unpleasant end, but it’s all part of who I am today.

Feeling very much like my marriage was a ‘waste of life’ relationship.

wish I’d got out sooner ( or never bothered)

have got a lovely DP now, but wish I’d met him sooner. Just makes me feel sad- on the one hand I appreciate what I have, but on the other I think a decent workshop at school would have taught me about adult relationships

Thanks for the reply. I think too many of us have been through this experience when younger and more people pleasing / naive / not understanding a good relationship. I look back and want to give myself a severe talking too or wish someone had done that. I think I’d like to go back in time and know then what I know now. Wouldn’t give the fucker the time of day now.

In one now. Ashamedly.

@VeryGoodVeryNice agree with good life lessons but also think why should women gave to “learn” these lessons? Do men have to learn these lessons? I’m glad you have a good one now x

@Dunnoburt when in one, you can’t see a way out. But, there is always a way. Please don’t stay in one. You are worth a million times more. please PM me.

"Anyone else can look back and see their abusive relationship, understand why, and now in a good relationship?"

I look back and see one abusive relationship after another, throughout my entire life. Each time I thought: "this one is different" and he was - abusive, but in a different way.

The only way I have got free of it is by staying single.

@Ladyof2024 i had this too. I didn't suddenly have a revelation on how to have a heathy relationship. I had the different types of abusers too, over about 25 years. Eventually got to what I would now recognise as reasonably healthy. I’m not saying this is great. Took far too long. I am saying we can eventually get there with a lot of luck.

The relationship I mention in my OP was the worst but others until my present relationship abusive to some extent.

I hear what you’re saying but it is what it is (a saying people only say when ‘what it is’ is a bit shit). My ex took enough from me that I purposefully avoid thinking about him and the impact he had on my life (many years on and having been through a long journey of therapy and recovery) because that’s still giving him power and wasting MORE of my life on him. Fuck him.

I do sometimes think I wish I’d met my DP earlier, and we’d have had more time together, but then I wouldn’t be who I am now, we’d have both been at different life stages, and maybe it wouldn’t have worked.

My longest-lasting relationship was my most unpleasant, and if I have a regret in life it's not walking away from it sooner than I did. It makes me sad to think that I was so down on myself that I stayed, fell for his threats, allowed his abuse to grind me down, I can't even bear to think about how many years I was around such a destructive person, especially when I never wanted to get with him in the first place. In reality, it wasn't all bad, and I tell myself that it was AFGO, and it certainly taught me a lot about myself.

I've had positive relationships both before and since, but they were also GO's in their own way. I had a lot of family baggage/insecurities to work through - LOL.
I've reached a point where I'd love to be in a relationship, but don't expect to. Maybe one day I'll find 'my' person - I certainly believe it's possible, and if I've more to learn by it, then so be it. It does seem a shame to have spent so much of my life learning what works and what doesn't, and to not be left with long to enjoy coupledom.