To feel flat and down despite the fact my divorce is now final?

[Rubixcoobe]

Finally got my Decree Absolute after a very long, nasty bitter divorce from an abusive man and cocklodger.

It has taken years due to his game playing and refusal to engage.

I’ve never regretted Kicking him out. My life is so much better without him.

He was trying to make me homeless through the divorce, so it’s a huge weight off my mind that he hasn’t succeeded.

The marriage itself was a disaster - classic case of love bombing before slowly becoming abusive. I’ve long ago grieved and accepted the fact the relationship was never actually ‘real’.

Ive dreamed and talked about how happy I will be once it’s over. But I just feel so flat.

I just regret the fact that I’ve spent the last 5 years fighting with someone ( I never wanted to fight, but he has made it his goal to make my life as difficult as possible). It’s been exhausting and all consuming. I couldn’t walk away because we have DC who he continues to try to use as a pawn. But at least now I’m in a stronger position and the kids are old enough to decide where they are staying, when they go to clubs etc.

But now I am skint after constant legal battles. Have debts which are weighing on my mind ( manageable, but will take a while to pay off and mean no holidays or much spending money for a while)

I feel like I’ve had to put my career on hold because of his shit and have spent what should be the best years of my life in a horrible stressful situation.

I now feel like I’m behind where I should be financially, career wise and can’t even afford a holiday. Has anyone been here? And do you start feeling better?

I’m worried I’m about to dip into a deep depression now the fight is over.

Totally normal to experience a low after any battle or difficult time is over. People get this after they get the all clear from illness, or after the end of a legal battle, or as with you, after a difficult divorce.

The answer is self-care, do loads of lovely comforting things for yourself while you restore your energy levels ready to move into your future. You also have to deal with the debts and the work issues, so that will take energy.

It is OK to feel sad at the horrible time you had.

Good luck

You need to look after yourself after this. Your body will have been on high alert for a long time and it is still expecting to be in this mode. I nearly had a total breakdown after mine settled and had to find ways of getting back to a more settled life. I took a mindfulness course and also had some CBT hypnotherapy. Speak to your doctor about how you feel / it is normal but it will do you good to hear it plus they can offer something like Talking Therapy and maybe meds depending on how much this is affecting you. It takes a high toll on your body.

Totally normal. I remember friends asking me if I want a divorce party. Lol. There is an assumption that you're going to be super happy, finally free etc. The truth was I felt battered and tired. It's also a moment when you stop and reflect how you got there in the first place, the wasted time etc.

And as a poster said, it's similar to a long illness too. When my mum got cleared of breast cancer, she fell into a long depression. She had been in survival mode for so long, that when she had the space to "relax", she didn't know how.

It's normal. Take it easy and throw away those expectations.

Very normal. The euphoria will come after the exhaustion.

It’s normal. Your life is reduced to a few lines on a court document, enjoy the freedom and make a new life, as I did. 👍

I would say totally normal.
You have been stressed for too long to leap to euphoria, but it will quietly creep up on you in the next year or two as you realise you did it.
You got rid.
Take the win.
Look after yourself.
Maybe get a tonic to give you back abit more energy.
Congratulations.

I hope you are right! It’s been so long

Thanks for the replies. It helps to know that it is normal to feel this way. I just hope better things are around the corner.

its also reassuring to know the answer is self care. I need to be kinder to myself. I’ve started eating rubbish, have stopped exercising, hair looks like shit.

I’ll start with a home cooked meal tonight and take it from there.

I understand @Rubixcoobe

Lots looking after yourself x Congratulations also!

Not the same situation but I put my life on hold for years during a very unhappy period. I am older now and my husband and I don't necessarily have decades left. I am trying to look forward and have nice experiences and so on rather than missing out on more time - making the most of it. If I stop to mourn those lost years I just miss out on this time too.

Maybe you had built the practical significance of receiving the Decree Absolute up too much? In general, assuming your solicitor has followed due process, it’s just a formality, and obviously it does have a very high legal significance, but it makes very little difference to your day-to day lfe.

I barely remember receiving mine I just know that I put it in my important-stuff file and it didn’t see light of day for several years until I actually needed to produce it to show I was not married.

@Joe7t8 i think I spent years thinking ‘when I’m divorced I’ll be able to do X/Y/Z…

but now I’m through it I’m just exhausted from it.

Ive now discovered that I’m not as free as I’d hoped as still have to Co - parent ( or rather parallel parent ) with the clown!

Hi, I've just stumbled across this page! Im feeling flat, I went for simplified divorce and it was 14 months of keeping balls in air to get over the line ! and I have ... was married for 28years ! who is he! yes total shock !! he's was my best friend, my business partner, my husband and the father of my 3 amazing grown up children... my world blew up !! looking back the red flags .. he's a convincing liar, total narcissist, the gas lighting ! all these words, meanings, labels, now I understand the meaning ! my heart is in pieces, my mind on repeat .. Why? I don't know that person ! but I see him now for who he really is and it's scary, to think I was with him for over 30years.. no words or actions can describe how it feels ! I pray that I can find the peace and happiness in my life again, Let's be totally honest it does take time, good trusting friends, lots of reassuring yourself the low flat feelings will pass .. and everyone this person has used abused and disregard on his deceitful path will heal !

Think of it like climbing a long steep mountain. You get to the summit, and yes the view is amazing and you’ve achieved your aim, but your body will still be exhausted from all that climbing you’ve had to do.

Give yourself time, and treat yourself kindly. You’ve been through a long traumatic experience and you need to heal.

The happiness will come in time. At the moment just relax, drop your shoulders and take a deep breath in. After my divorce from a horrible man I sunk into a deep depression. I think all the unhappiness worry fear etc had to go somewhere and it came out as depression in me. The relief, joy and sense of freedom came several years after that.