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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that my mum is taking control with my son?

21 replies

keke2605 · 19/10/2024 15:10

Long story short I (27f) have an 18 month old son. My mum is really helpful with him but in some ways the things she does I don’t think are normal behaviour. For example, my mum (who is in her late 50s) has a friend my age. The friend has a young son. My mum always asks me if she can take my son along on play dates with her friend. I think it’s weird that my mum wouldn’t just go on her own with her friend instead of always asking to take my child along with them. Also, I know it sounds like not a big deal but I hate clothing and shoes with dinosaurs on and my mum knows this. She buys my son clothing and shoes with dinosaurs on and says ‘I know you don’t like these kind of clothes but.. then gives me some excuse of why she bought them. AIBU to think she’s trying to take some kind of control over me with my child? Like I said she is really helpful in certain ways but I sometimes think she’s being unreasonable. Finally, today me and my mum have fallen out over something quite minor. She won’t speak to me. But she’s called my dad and told him to ring me to ask if she can take my son out tomorrow. Instead of just growing up, calling me and asking me.

OP posts:
Restaurantcritic · 19/10/2024 15:12

She takes your grandson to a play date with another child and buys him dinosaur gear. I doubt she’s trying to take control.

as someone who raised 3 kids with no gp help, I would have bitten her hand off for a play date and some free clothes!

but if you don’t like it- tell her?

Procrastinates · 19/10/2024 15:17

Well in my experience it's easier to have two children playing together even at 18 months than two adults trying to have a conversation whilst entertaining one child so I completely understand why she likes to do playdates with him if her friend has a similar aged child.

Also you don't like dinosaurs but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to have shoes and clothes with them on. How lovely that she buys him new things to wear.

She doesn't sound overbearing or controlling for anything you've said. It genuinely seems like you're just looking for problems to be honest.

YellowHatt · 19/10/2024 15:20

I understand the playdate thing from her point of view. It’s quite handy to have them entertain each other and a nice thing for both the children to do.

MissyB1 · 19/10/2024 15:21

The shoes/clothes and play dates thing are a non issue. About your falling out, ring her and tell her she didn't need to go through your dad, that she should have asked you herself to take ds out.

ThursdayLastWeek · 19/10/2024 15:28

I get it.

The ‘I know you won’t like it but I did it anyway’ is all about control.

It probably seems innocuous to a lot of posters but I bet there’s a whole history of emotional manipulation.

I could of course be projecting though Grin

ThursdayLastWeek · 19/10/2024 15:31

I have also had my Dad practically beg me to back down and/or apologise so his life was easier. Fuck that.

mammaCh · 19/10/2024 15:33

The play date thing I totally get. The kids can play together, more socialoyfor your son. The older friends will get to chat more.
The clothes, well does your son like them? If he's too young to notice, or you really can't stand them, just politely decline. Or take them back yourself/ sell them.
The falling out, well she's fell out with you, not your son.

5128gap · 19/10/2024 15:33

The play date thing is entirely normal. The other DC will be there anyway, so why not? I'd have thought you'd be glad your DC had the opportunity to socialise while you got a break. The dinosaur clothes, well, what were her reasons? Because they were the best value and happened to gave those pictures? Because DS loves dinosaurs? And how often does she buy the stuff? Couple of times, normal. Every week deliberately? Not normal.

She shouldn't have gone through your dad, but probably didn't want to get into it with you so thought it would be easier. You were still asked. It's not like she went behind your back and asked your partner instead of you.

viques · 19/10/2024 15:37

YellowHatt · 19/10/2024 15:20

I understand the playdate thing from her point of view. It’s quite handy to have them entertain each other and a nice thing for both the children to do.

This, it is also probably a lovely thing for her friend with the young child to a) have someone her own age to talk to and b) to be able to do this while her child is playing with another child.

How does your son feel about dinosaurs? After all he is the one wearing them. Your mum sounds like a loving granny who gets on well with your son and tries to make things fun for him, it could all be a lot worse, and a lot more controlling.

Polkad · 19/10/2024 15:42

The friend thing I can get.
The clothes you don't like but she gets anyway is a control thing.

She is helpful sure, but the price is just too high.
Step back and take back control.
See less of her.
Every time she disrespects you by doing what she wants, take extended space from her.

I have zero tolerance for grandparents that refuse to accept they had their turn and now it is yours.
Better low contact than tolerate it.

StrawberryWater · 19/10/2024 15:49

I mean the wanting to take your son to a play date wouldn't bother me and neither would the clothes. Your kid will probably love dinos in a year or two anyway, it's just one of those kid obsessions.

What would bother me though is wanting access to your son while she's fallen out with you. To me that's a no, no. You don't dismiss a relationship with me and still expect to have access to my kids. Absolutely not!

thepariscrimefiles · 19/10/2024 15:54

mammaCh · 19/10/2024 15:33

The play date thing I totally get. The kids can play together, more socialoyfor your son. The older friends will get to chat more.
The clothes, well does your son like them? If he's too young to notice, or you really can't stand them, just politely decline. Or take them back yourself/ sell them.
The falling out, well she's fell out with you, not your son.

But why would OP's mum deliberately buy clothing that she knows her daughter doesn't like? I would never go against my son or DIL's wishes with respect to buying clothing or toys for my grandkids.

I also wouldn't expect to fall out with my kids but still have access to their children. It doesn't really work like that.

wildfellhall · 21/10/2024 07:22

I think if you get grandma childcare, IME, you can't dictate every detail.

I let my MIL have more control then I'd have liked but she helped me SO much that I sucked some stuff up as I didn't want to sour her generosity

wildfellhall · 21/10/2024 07:28

My MIL use to take my two to her book club when they were little and they'd colour in while the ladies chatted.

I adore my MIL; but she put them in some dreadful clothes. But also took them on holiday and gave them loads of love. More love is a plus in my book. More love is a win for a child. Also I feel they helped raise my kids. When my dd was ready to potty train I sent her to MIL for a week and she came back in very pretty pants.

Adore her for that.

halloumidippers · 21/10/2024 07:47

What do you have against dinosaur clothes OP? I'd understand if you were eg against T-shirts saying stuff like "future heartbreaker" or "my daddy won't let me date til I'm 30" but trex? What's the deal?
You're the one that sounds controlling and your mum sounds entitled.

Missionimprobable · 21/10/2024 08:17

What is your relationship like usually?
Being a grandparent is a difficult road to navigate sometimes.
I'm a new grandmother (5 months old). I tread very carefully as I don't want to overstep.
Dd and I are very close, pre baby we socialised together, nights out, lunches, shopping, etc, but I'm still wary of treading on her toes.
I think taking ds on a play date is fine, buying dinosaur clothing is a bit strange when you've said you don't like them.
I bought DGS some baby grows with a design that dd had previously said she didn't like (I don't listen 😁)
Dd laughed and eye rolled and said "really dm, where's the receipt?"
No issue.
From your perspective, I can see why the little irritations irritate you.
I also wouldn't let someone, dgm or anyone, take my baby out if they weren't speaking to me.
I think it's time for a full and frank discussion, doesn't have to get heated, set your side out and see what she says.
Remember, it's your baby, your rules

tolerable · 21/10/2024 19:09

Playdates is cos two kids is easier than one probably. . Still a win/win.
Dino clothes is a phase. My two have been treated to godawful sailor suits,actual grandpa check shirts n waistcoats,,on occasion. Learned fairly quickly "least said, soonest mended" as long as kids didn't object, unbearable right outside permitted.
A midwife told me ds1"enjoy your baby" I extended it to allow for mums "dated" /questionable fashion fails. She never had a boy so horrific knitted suit Sox hat mitts tolerated n quick pic..
We did cross swords repeatedly if/when she would undermind me. Or attempt to over rule. Told her to leave a couple of times.
You sound quite lucky tbh.shes just getting on your nerves.

Mere1 · 14/01/2025 06:56

ThursdayLastWeek · 19/10/2024 15:31

I have also had my Dad practically beg me to back down and/or apologise so his life was easier. Fuck that.

Oh dear. You seem to be looking for a fight. You might want to consider the benefit to your son’s having a loving grandparent in his life. The things you are concerned about are very minor.

TaffetaRustle · 14/01/2025 07:39

Playing with a pal, as pp said can't see the issue.
The clothes are directly disrespectful, there are hundreds of clothes out there with many patterns or no patterns

I would directly challenge her on that because it will assert yourself and hopefully she won't bother with bigger stuff.

TaffetaRustle · 14/01/2025 07:41

@ThursdayLastWeek

Anyway that's aways a red flag shows the person is immovable and dad is the enabler.

TaffetaRustle · 14/01/2025 07:44

It's taking the spontaneous side out and pinning you down each time

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