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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s gf in the house when we are out

27 replies

LostFrog · 19/10/2024 13:15

Ds (17) has been with gf for about 7 months now. She stayed at ours last night, and today dh was taking ds to a Uni open day and the plan was for them to leave at about 10:30. At about 10:15 ds came down and was making a sandwich for her - when dh said it was nearly time to leave and there wasn’t really time, he said she was staying here until she went to work - bearing in mind that she lives less than 5 mins walk away and wasn’t due at work for 2.5 hours, we were a bit wtf?! When ds was leaving he then said her work had been cancelled and she would go home when she had eaten. After an hour or so I ended up going in and offering her a lift home, as I couldn’t think how else to ask her to leave - it was really awkward and I’m really cross with ds for putting me in that position, but he cannot seem to see anything wrong in it. AIBU? Is this usual? She is not unwelcome here but she is my son’s guest not mine, and if he’s not here I don’t want her to be, at least not at this stage in their relationship.

OP posts:
Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 13:33

I would feel the same OP.
As you say she is his guest and not yours. You should be allowed to relax in your own home .
I think it's really cheeky of her to expect to be in the house when he is not there and to expect to eat your food when she has basically invited her self. I think your DS should show you some respect. He should have been asking you if it was alright for her to stay before telling her she could.
I think you need to talk to him about respect when it comes to giving other people carte blanche to stay in your house.

jeaux90 · 19/10/2024 13:34

This is a double boundary situation.

It's important he learns he doesn't have to say yes when she asks a favour or anything, it's important he also learns what your boundaries are and that it's not ok to leave his guests there when he leaves.

Redruns · 19/10/2024 13:34

I think you either have to say no guests, treat them as if they are your own guests, or stop worrying about being polite and kick them out when it suits you.

Whatever you decide, start as you mean to go on or you'll end up with them moving in by stealth - if not this one, the next one.

BankHolidayReset · 19/10/2024 13:34

I agree with you OP. Sit DS down and go through some house rules.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 19/10/2024 13:37

she lives less than a 5 min walk away but you felt you had to offer her a lift home?!
think it's time for a serious chat with your teenager about guests and boundaries - if you invite a guest to the house, you have to be there to host them and you are responsible for them - if you leave, they have to leave too.
he has the option of visiting her at her house, if he doesn't want to respect these simple new rules.

Amyknows · 19/10/2024 13:41

Tell your ds in no uncertain terms that she can be here only if he is there. You don't need to justify to him what your reasons are. They are still young teens, not adults and shouldn't be taking liberties to do their own thing.

They both have a cheek actually to treat your home as their hangout spot as well. But then again you're allowing her to stay over so that's quite a bit of leeway as well. Time for a chat about rules at home.

Hatty65 · 19/10/2024 13:48

I had this with DS (18) and his gf. She would sometimes stay over Friday night and then he would go off to work early Saturday morning and she'd still be lying in bed asleep. I found it incredibly awkward and would tend to go up about lunchtime and call outside the door asking if she wanted some lunch or a cup of tea. She would call back 'No, I'm ok thanks,' and then would either get up at about 3pm, shower and come downstairs and say 'Thanks for having me,' and disappear - or sometimes she would just hide in the bedroom until DS returned home from work.

Either way, it utterly enraged me to have a 'guest' who wasn't mine lurking about the house. She was a nice girl, but I muttered about downstairs to myself thinking she was rude.

I don't know if this is common, or if they just are socially awkward. I could never bring myself to say to DS 'Tell your GF to get up at 5am with you and fuck off out of my house'. I couldn't come up with a polite way to do this without upsetting them both.

Amyknows · 19/10/2024 13:52

@Hatty65 how times have changed. I've only had a proper boyfriend stay over when I was 20 I think, and then it was getting permission because it impacted everyone else in the house. If anyone stayed over, they left too if I had to leave and not had the cheek to stay in bed and leave whenever.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 19/10/2024 13:54

Nip it in the bud ime op. Ds's gf insisted on staying when he went to work. She once left after him and took the key to his bedroom!! I was fucking fuming. We had a landlord inspection and i couldn't let them in his room! Lots of other issues with her overstepping... Including walking past dh doing the washing up.. Making herself a coffee then dropping her cup into the bowl... That was the last straw....

Original poster
LostFrog · 19/10/2024 13:56

Thanks. The offer of a lift was really more of a polite way of getting her to leave, it’s easier to say “I’m going out now so I can give you a lift home” than “can you please leave now”!
She is 18 but only just - he is nearly 18. I don’t have an issue with her staying over, I do have concerns about the relationship in general which I have discussed with ds before but they have fallen on deaf ears so I am choosing my battles! I just wanted to make sure that this was a reasonable one really, and it seems that it is.
@Hatty65 not just me then! The thing is I have other children in the house and I also wanted to go out and felt that I couldn’t. I mean, I wouldn’t expect her to come round when we were out, so equally I wouldn’t leave her here whilst we are out! Ds just cannot see it, he was all “I don’t see what difference it makes to you” and I started to question myself but it’s obviously not right, is it?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 19/10/2024 13:59

@Amyknows I know - it's difficult to know how to negotiate modern times. I am almost 60, and was never allowed 'boys' to stay over and certainly not in my room but I left home at 18 for uni and have never returned. My parents would never have entertained the idea of having bf/gf staying over before marriage!

DS is the youngest and hasn't gone to uni. The gf wasn't allowed to stay until it was clear they had been dating for several months and it was 'serious'. I made it clear I'm not having 'random shags' brought back here, but it was still difficult.

@LostFrog Nope. I'm not particularly happy, but at least it only impacted me. I think with other DC in the house I'd have been more forthright. Certainly it was made clear to the older siblings they weren't bringing partners back here when we had young children in the house, but they all went to uni at 18 and didn't have steady partners, so it was never really an issue.

Amyknows · 19/10/2024 14:00

I would tell him, that if he wants the freedom and liberties of an adult then he finds his own place. The cheek of him saying that to you. Even if they're 18, they are far from adults and need to respect the rules of your home.

Amyknows · 19/10/2024 14:04

@Hatty65 I'm 40 so not too long ago. It was only because I had finished my degree, landed a good job and the relationship was serious that I was allowed to!
We just lived by our parent's rules and wouldn't even dared to have the gall this generation has today. My bf at the time would even bring something over every time, and helped my dad around the house if he needed anything done. And here op is offering lunch and tea, I really don't know how things went downhill in one generation. That's just my thoughts.

Original poster
LostFrog · 19/10/2024 14:10

thanks all. I’m cross with myself for even questioning it now, I felt like I was accusing her of stealing or something by being uncomfortable about her being here on her own!

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 19/10/2024 14:12

Your house = your rules. I don’t see why their age has anything to do with it. If you’re not comfortable with guests being there when you’re not, make it a rule that they leave. (I would hate it too.)

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 14:47

shes she’s shouldn’t be in your house when your son isn’t OP, it really is as simple as that. She can go back to your own house.

Newterm · 19/10/2024 14:57

Lay down the law now before this happens again. Friends of mine had a son bring a new girlfriend home. She stayed while he went to work and friend was too awkward to say anything. The girl moved in by default and slept in every day as she was at Uni but didn’t bother attending. It was horrendous

MeMyCatsAndI · 19/10/2024 15:14

I'd tell him she's not to stay on the nights when he has to be up early/go out.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/10/2024 15:26

I wouldn't even allow her to stay over. If you want that kind of freedom you get a job and move out. If they want somewhere to have sex they can book in to a hotel or find an afternoon when the house is free, it's out of order them doing it when you guys are there.

Sassybooklover · 19/10/2024 15:30

I used to stay at my first serious boyfriend's house when I was 19. At no point did I ever stay in the house, with him not there. He played football on a Saturday morning, it didn't even enter my head to stay in bed until he came back! Whatever time he had to be out the house, I went at the same time. We weren't allowed to share a room either, it was separate bedrooms! We worked around that of course, like most youngsters!! 😂 I used to take a bottle of wine, bunch of flowers or chocolates too, to say thank you for letting me stay!! Your son is taking things a little for granted. He needs to understand that his girlfriend is his guest, and she can't just stay at yours if he's not there. It's not your job to entertain his girlfriend. After all your home isn't a hotel!!

bergamotorange · 19/10/2024 15:33

Ds just cannot see it, he was all “I don’t see what difference it makes to you” and I started to question myself but it’s obviously not right, is it?
Sometimes you just have to say: This is my house and it runs to my rules.
If you don't like the rules, you can pay rent to live somewhere else.

I would also add: If this is going to become too difficult, then she will not be able to come round at all. So think carefully before opening up an argument here DS.

5128gap · 19/10/2024 15:44

Well that's odd given she lives 5 minutes away. I think I'd have been inclined to say 'why is that then?' When DS told me the plan. Did she need to borrow something of his? Did she have a key/someone to let her in at home? Was there a reason she wanted to avoid home? Like I say, odd thing for a teen girl to want to hang out in her BFs house with only his mum there for no apparent reason. So before I got too cross I'd wait to find out what they were thinking.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 19/10/2024 16:45

Me and dh used to have Saturday night as our night... Chill in front of Game Of Thrones and take away etc.. She didn't go home one Saturday and kept making excuses to stay. Actually fell out with ds after saying she needs gone on a Saturday with him.. Made US feel in the wrong.. Ds was at work every Saturday and Saturday night... No reason for her to be there.... We weren't exactly ever overjoyed to see her so no idea why she loved being there. She made the atmosphere awkward... Glad when they split. ... when ds found out about her threesomes with her boss and his dw.... The shock....

Polkad · 19/10/2024 16:56

Your son asked what difference does it make to you?
Really?
Thats how he speaks to you?
OP, he's a rude brat. If either of my sons spoke to me like that they would hear about it.

What you have described is not normal.
I have a 20+23 year old and no way did they have girls staying over at that age.
Why would she be in your house for 5 minutes without him?

Staying in your house on her own?
Unbelievable.
Not a chance.
Sit him down and put your foot down because it sounds like he speaks to you like shit and will soon be treating you like it.
He sounds like the type you give an inch, will take a mile.
Make sure you tell him you don't want him bringing her over until you have specifically agreed to it.
Otherwise you could soon have her over several days of the week.
These things are hard to dial back once started.
Don't let it start before you are ready.

spotddog · 19/10/2024 20:19

Where is your husband in all of this. He should be sitting down with you outlining house rules, being disrespectful to DC mother, siblings etc.

Why are parents so afraid of falling out with CF Brats???