How to get intimacy back after baby

[mumof1l]

Hi everyone

Regular user/poster but details are quite outing.

I'm 32 and my DH is 33, we were childhood sweethearts (together at 16 and married at 25.

We have an 18 month old.

DH runs his own business (trade) which is successful and he works very hard/long hours.

He's usually gone by 6am and home for 18:00ish.

He'll have the odd week a year which is an "easy week" home by 4ish.

He plays football every other Saturday and trains 2 nights a week.

I'm at home and just feel resentful. I feel like a single Mum BUT he is a great dad, when he is here he will take over, do bath, dinner, bedtime, playing with our little one etc. I really appreciate that he works hard to provide and means I can be a SAHM until we put LO in nursery (plan is to put them in at 2).

In the meantime I've put on 2 stone, I'm an emotional eater and I take medication for depression (have done since about 20).

By the time he gets home from work, I'm touched out, I just want to be left alone. This sounds awful and I do love him and I do still find him attractive but I just can't seem to muster up any energy for sex. It's like it's at the bottom of my priority list.

He's told me he doesn't feel wanted by me anymore and that he doesn't bother trying anymore since he's sick of being rejected.

I just feel so exhausted, I think being a Mum has killed my sex drive.

I'm not just responsible for LO but also all the housework, laundry, food shopping etc and I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders.

What can I do? I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to feel rejected. Just don't know how to bring the spark back 😢

This is so common with young children OP and I’ve been there. It did affect our relationship. I understand the feeling of. Ring touched out and being sick of putting everyone else’s needs before your own, all you want is a bath and to sit on the sofa eating biscuits once the baby is in bed, right?!

ultimately you have two choices. Wait for the baby to get older (although you may have another!) where those feelings pass or push through it.

sometimes faking it until you make it really helps, also reading books with intimacy in, encouraging things like kissing and cuddling, hand holding. Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex, but it is important to feel like partners rather than roommates.

In my opinion, working those hours really means that football has to take a back seat while you have very little children. It’s just not the time and sacrifices need to be made.

That's exactly it @YourFunMember, I just want to sit and watch TV/read my kindle without being touched. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to talk much, I feel like I talk all day to LO, cuddle, climbs on me etc and all I want to do once LO is in bed is have "me" time but I know that doesn't/wont work when you have a relationship with somebody and truth be told, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd probably feel the same as him. Just feel like I cannot breathe, like I'm being suffocated between LO and DH.

By time I've had a shower, cleaned the highchair, put toys away I'm absolutely mentally and physically done.

I will take your advice, I think the faking it thing does work and 2 of my close friends who I've spoke to who are or have been in the same position as me have said the same kind of thing.

@Didimum he says it's his time away from the stress of the business to let off steam/exercise. I've asked before if he can give up one of the training nights but honestly, he was injured for 12 weeks last year and it was miserable being around him, he was down/couldn't sleep/grumpy and as soon as he started playing again those things stopped.

Also, just to note, there is no romance from him at all. No random flowers, no running me a bath etc. no little things that make me feel appreciated for all of the things I do. I'm not talking about bringing me a £40 bunch of flowers every week etc, before DD he'd pop into Tesco on his way home and buy me a small bunch or I'd get home from work and he'd of run me a bath and lit candles in the bathroom. Those little things really give me a boost and make me feel happy. He says he knows I work just as hard as him running the house/being Mum but he asks me what I do for him that's romantic and I can't answer, I don't. We are just stuck in a never ending cycle. The most I do for him is his laundry.

Are you getting any time away to also ‘let off steam’?

Sorry, OP, I just don’t think that’s good enough. Being a SAHM is a full time job too. Where’s your time away to recharge and feel happy and relaxed enough in order to improve on your own wellbeing, including how you feel about intimacy?

It’s very immature to go into a strop because you can’t play football, and you’re making excuses for him if you’re claiming (or he has convinced you) that football, specifically on this schedule is intrinsic to his mental health. It’s not. He is an adult and he is responsible for working out his wellbeing in a way that is compatible with a) family life and b) not to the detriment to his child or wife.

You're both working hard and you're both tired. It's hard when you've got a little one and I totally get the feeling 'touched out' by the end of the day! If DH is home at 6, hand your little one over and take yourself off for an hour, soak in the bath and give yourself a nice face mask/hair treatment. You deserve that bit of time for yourself and will feel much more likely to want to spend time with DH if you have that little break. Also, don't discount a morning quickie - it's very low effort and will send him off to work with a spring in his step! When we had small babies, the morning quickie was about all we could manage!

Do you get nights out together or occasional night or weekend away?

@mumof1l can you go to the gym / a class once / twice a week. Think you'd feel better getting some time to yourself doing what you want to do