I have a 16 year old. Teens can difficult to parent and it’s basically parenting by consent. Idk what you said to your dd. Telling them, demanding, commanding and opposing your world view on them doesn’t work. Teens are hardwired to push away, rebel. It is evolutionary.
Seeing as you’re talking about moving out, I am presuming there is some spare money somewhere. Rather than using that to move out, I would use it for some decent therapy for your mental health. And to also pay for some therapy for your dd an you together. Before the latter, there will probably need to be some more repair work.
I agree with pps about your dh and you presenting a united front. This isn’t about pleading. This is about parenting together. Being a strong team. And it isn’t about coercing your dd to talk to you again either. What you said appears to have hurt a lot. You can both recognise that and admit that the family needs time to heal. Your dd also needs to be shown a way to come back from this. As do you.
I came across this podcast the other day about teens and I thought I would share it with you. What we do know is that talking to them is that they work best by being showered with affection, not with authoritarian parents. Perhaps that isn’t how you were parented. I had authoritarian parents myself and how it was for you growing up isn’t relevant and I would avoid talking about this as it only going to put her / your dc’s back up. Think about the strength of the communication, not the strength of the argument.
You may have apologised. However, have you expressed true remorse and identified how she may be feeling. Does she even know how she is feeling? Has she told any of her siblings how she is feeling? My guess is this perhaps isn’t just about the one argument but about events spanning a longer time frame as you mentioned depression and menopause. Are you on hrt for this? And antidepressants? Therapy?
To discuss your dd’s feelings about the situation, maybe approach it like this. ‘I can see you’re still deeply hurt. I am figuring this is because what I said was so terribly unacceptable and because it was very unfair and because I have been much less available to you as a mum recently and because it must be hard to be my daughter right now. I am still your mum and I am truly sorry for what I said to you. And I am sorry I’ve been so unavailable and unpredictable. And I am trying hard to fix things. Please know that I will always love you and nothing will ever change that. I am still learning myself and being a parent to a young woman is all very new and I am looking into ways I can transition to be that parent. I may still make mistakes along the way and I would really appreciate your help to get me there. Perhaps when you are ready, we could do (x fun stuff, go for a walk, go for a coffee, meal, watch x tv show together) so that we can start building bridges. I love you very very much and I am so proud of you.’
Don’t expect an instant ok mum. You’re giving your dd options. It may still take time and she may need to see results. The best thing for now is to make do with the situation. No begging or pleading. Your dd saw you being very much out of control and is likely also scared of seeing this again. Part of her not wanting to talk to you will be to protect herself from not seeing that part of you again.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/64MIxhQyXxkerSgXBV6Ojy?si=3jVCoXsnSSKJKsnswHbwRg&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A4irXBwuQZggGI0b4yjgBCf