Did your child come out the otherside

[Hubhubba26]

Hubhubba26 · Today 19:25
I'm just wondering if there's anybody here who's child lacked or struggled in the social skills/friendship making department when they were about 5 or 6 years but then eventually flourished further down the line...

My son who's just entered year 1 has one really good friend which is brilliant. But I've noticed that when we go to the playground after school he's basically ignored or scowled at by some of his peers from his year. Sometimes they seem very keen to play with his friend but not him. It breaks my heart.
Hes a happy outgoing boy but struggling a bit with the sit down formal education element of year 1 and the more nuance part of friendships

I'm sorry I can't advise you, replying to bump you up the list. Hopefully someone helpful will be along soon.

My DD was very selective with friends in school. Only ever had a few . Now at 18 yo very sociable and good group. Sometimes takes a while to find the right people.

Mine was same on and off through primary and late years of secondary school
I worried about them all time but now at 19yo they are absolutely fine, different friendship groups, they all find their way eventually

Thank you. @AndYaKnowAndYaKnow that's reassuring to hear. Do you know what the cause was? Not that I'm saying it was necessarily a bad thing.

With DS he can get very excited. Also I'm thinking the area we live in could be a factor. Also the class sizes which they mix up every year. This year they have been mixed with year 2 children. So not a real chance to cement relationships.

I feel the same with my year 1 daughter. I'm sure she's the only one that hasn't been invited to a playdate yet! My niece is at one most Fridays. I'm trying not to worry, she's a lovely little girl and I'm sure they'll get there! Is your son one of the younger ones in the year?

You've said he is struggling with the formal side of learning. This could be the reason children are giving him a wide berth - Mud sticks. If he is "naughty" in class the other children may not want to be associated with him. Talk to him and give him strategies to cope better in the classroom. If he is distracted on the carpet he could try doing something with his fingers. What should he do if something is hard? Role play with him how to bring children into his play. And tell him, some of the behaviours the other children don't like.

@JustAGalWhoLovesBooks he's a January child. Is your daughter a summer baby Very? He's Very eager to socialise but then gets overexcited and manages to put people off. 🙄 like your daughter he's lovely and very kind but believe he's struggling with the larger classes. They have a different teacher for phonics with almost 38 children, then another one for maths, then another for PE...!

@Ibouncetothebeat myself and the school are working on this. I'm actually looking for people who've been through something similar and come out thenother side.

I’d be looking at getting him friends out of school, so Cubs/football etc.

Ds didn't seem too bothered but never got any party invites in infant school and I struggled to fill his parties.
He made one really close friend in juniors but it carried on much the same.

Now he's in 6th form he's a much wider group of friend and is getting party invites. He's the one that's actually a hit selective I've realised - no tolerance for knobheads or fools

He's done cubs, scouts etc and played on a football team throughout and this has definitely helped.

My message looks like I'm obsessed with parties!! I'm not but it was a good guage of how much people liked him

My son was very quiet and thoughtful and didn't really know how to "play" with the others when he started school. As he got older he built up a small but solid friendship group and he now has a huge circle of friends from school, university and work.

@balzamico not at all I know exactly what you mean

I've worried that my dd can be like this. All we can do is what's in our power to do, if that makes sense.

So for me, I've been Very Assertive with arranging playdates. I'm frequently texting the other mums in the class, being as friendly as I can, arranging meetups in the park etc, sometimes just dd and one other girl, sometimes bigger meetups, sometimes "here's an event we're going to this weekend if anyone is interested".

I try and talk to dd about school in general, asking her casually about what she did today, seeing if she's close to anyone in particular. If she says "I played with Nancy today", bam I find Nancy's mum's number off the group chat, "hi hi my dd said she enjoyed playing with Nancy today and would like to have her round after school, would you guys like to come round sometime next week, say Tuesday?"

You can worry about it, or you can try and do something about it. When they're this young, there's more in your power iyswim

I could have written this. My ds was a very grown up and sensible 5 year old he got on better with the teachers than the kids. Didn't like reception as didn't know how to play. But year on year he got better at making friends and is now at 18 has a huge group of friends.
Things that helped - joining a football team, cubs, having a outgoing younger brother and mostly moving school at yr3 (due to house move) it gave him a fresh start.

My 16 year old struggled with friendships through late primary/early secondary. I was really worried about the fact she seemed to have either one friend or no friends. She changed school at the end of Y9 and made two amazing friends within a couple of weeks.
Now she's at college and I can't keep track of how many friends she has. There is a group of about 8 and they all seem to get on with so well. I'm really happy for her.
I'm not saying your son will have to wait that long and (IME with DD1) friendships seem to change a lot in the primary years.

Also op, your mindset seems to be "what's wrong with my son" which is the wrong mindset imo. It's not necessarily anything to do with him. It's luck and circumstances. Some of the kids might know each other already due to siblings being friends, or they were at the same nursery, etc.

Just do what you can to nurture friendships with the other parents and get playdates going, that's all you can do imo

My son struggled immensely in the early years of school. He actually developed selective mutism so it was a very difficult time. Occasionally I'd walk past the school at play time and see him just standing on his own. It was heartbreaking. He improved (very slowly) over time. By years 5 and 6, he was so much better and had quite a few good friends.
He's just started year 7 and secondary school and seems absolutely fine. Making friends, coping with the massive change really well. He'll always be a shy, sensitive boy but he's OK. I don't worry like I used to.

My DD is less socially confident than her outgoing older brother and I worried for her especially when she was pre school age and just starting school. Not so much at school actually as small primary school with few girls in her class so less choice I guess. But if we went out to the park or soft play, DS would easily start playing with different children and DD struggled to start conversations or play. I made a conscious decision to enrol her in different out of school activities to build her confidence and social skills and she is much better and has different girls she gets on with at each activity. She is more of a slow burn and takes her time picking her friends but then is loyal for life as opposed to DS who lives in the here and now. I deliberately enrolled her in Brownies in the town where the secondary school is (but unfortunately one school friend followed her there which ruined my plan) as I was thinking ahead. She is a very different personality to her brother and I just wanted to encourage her to learn to overcome her social awkwardness (which I can relate to) and more confident in herself

Our DCs first school was an independent school. We’d been living in the US when he was a toddler and a friend recommended the school as he son had been there some years earlier.

DC was there for a few years. He never had large groups of friends and, although we knew he was bright, he didn’t seem to be thriving intellectually either. Literally, we changed schools and he’s been happy, had lots of friends and done well ever since.

Whilst at the school in the Yr2 class he had a much better year. I’d say the difference was the teacher mostly.

Obviously, there are multiple factors as well as changes in situation though and I can only comment on our own experience in detail.

@Printedword interesting. Similarly I'm wondering if the school is a factor. Large class sizes, every year they mix up the classes. Xx

Yes, our classes were mixed up every year up to Yr2. The classes were very small and with our DC he was happier in a bigger class at the local school with more kids to bounce off. Seemingly little things can make a difference.

Whilst the setting was the most important thing holding happiness, friendships etc. back I also think his emotional maturity developed slowly. Like many bright kids, learning was more important to him on some levels. At nursery/US preschool he found like minds, at the private school he seemed to be one of very few non sporty bookish kids, at the local school there was much more of a mix.