Gaslighting? Should i have stopped myself?

[Tiredofitallagain]

Will try be to the point.

My husband suffers from generalised anxiety. Can be a dark cloud for him when he has an attack. Best way to support him is to give him space, listen. I try do this although it's pretty exhausting.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house. We have 2 kids and both work full time. I'm not getting much sleep due to 18m old!

After bottling up my frustration and stress (work is intense!) over the past 2 weeks while he has been anxious moody and lazy, I tried to vent tonight to be dismissed and told not to be nag. I fly off the handle and went a bit crazy angry and become a bit hysterically upset. It's a bit embarrassing but was a good release!

After I calmed down he insists that I have only myself to blame and using his anxiety as an excuse for my stress is deplorable.

AIBU? Is he gaslighting me? I feel like I should be apologising to him now!

He might be a dick but that’s not gas lighting.

You really should talk to him before you get angry. Both of you need to work on communication skills.

I'm bristling at him calling you a nag.

By attack do you mean panic attacks?

GAD is usually treated with therapy, medication and exercise. Is he doing anything productive about his anxiety?

GAD doesn't make you bone idle, he's using it as an excuse, besides it will take his mind of things.

You need to decide how you want to proceed otherwise nothing will change. Options are, a conversation where you ask him to get treatment and divvy out chores. If he refuses then you need to decide if this is your life.

Does his anxiety mean he needs to play on his phone for hours instead of engaging with his family?

Is he getting treatment?

Who diagnosed him?

He tried talking therapies it didn't help. He was diagnosed years ago abroad. He refuses to speak to his GP about it. He is aware of it and does try work on keeping it at bay. This time of year tends to be worse...

What he did isn't gaslighting, as an adult your behaviour is your responsibility, but the same applies to him. It's not ok to act that way as a release, you need to step away if you can't manage that. Having said that it really doesn't sound like he's doing anything to work on managing himself and his impact on others.

Does he pull his weight in the better stages? Has he tried medications and I mean several not just one? Has he seen if he can get CBT which is much better than talking therapies for an anxiety? Even if the waitlist is 2 years long he should get on it. He needs to be active in managing his mental health and it's not an excuse not to parent or share the load. I'd expect some give and take when it's at its worst but I'd also expect him to be pitching in a lot more when he's in a good phase and that he hasn't just decided its all to hard and he is working on finding a way to manage things. I have GAD, social anxiety and panic attacks, like the other women I know who have MH conditions, I still managed to look after my kids and do far more than my share. How is he trying to keep it at bay?

Well he needs to go to gp
If he isn't getting treatment he cannot use it as an excuse nor can you

As PP have said, not gaslighting, but definitely being a dick.

I suffer badly from GAD and depression - 2x inpatient badly - and have treated my partner very poorly at times. In hindsight, I can now see that I’d often use MH as an excuse to behave badly, whether that was not pulling my weight at home, constantly being off work, or being nasty to my partner.

Don’t get me wrong - there were periods when I physically couldn’t get out of bed, was genuinely too unwell to work, and just didn’t have the capacity to be a nice person. I am absolutely not denying or minimizing that MH issues are very real and very difficult - it was so, so, awful for me.

What I’m saying, though, is that i started feeling entitled - entitled to my partner doing everything, to days off work, to saying whatever I wanted no matter how rude - and once I got better, I started acting quite selfish because I’d gotten used to being treated a certain way, and with getting away with almost anything. it also really, really didn’t help me get better, because I was just moping around snapping at everyone instead of feeling productive and having happy relationships.

The kindest thing my partner did was set boundaries and tell me he’d no longer tolerate certain behaviours. I also had a brutally honest therapist who suggested that I listen to him. Just as much as I needed understanding and kindness at the beginning of an “episode,” I also needed someone to tell me to snap out of it and not to be a dick once I was well enough to stand on my own two feet again. MH made me very selfish at times and I had to be reminded it wasn’t all about me.

It’s never an easy conversation and I was very resistant for a long time, but it’s one that was worth having.

Having said all that: yes, he also really needs to go to the GP. Have you talked about why he’s so resistant to this?

He's the one gaslighting. Severe anxiety has never stopped anyone from cleaning their house as severe depression can. On the contrary, most people with anxiety need to move to get some of it out of their system. Since he refuses therapy you will provide hoover, dusting and cooking therapy for him at home for free.

This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you!

After bottling up my frustration and stress (work is intense!) over the past 2 weeks while he has been anxious moody and lazy, I tried to vent tonight to be dismissed and told not to be nag. I fly off the handle and went a bit crazy angry and become a bit hysterically upset. It's a bit embarrassing but was a good release!

This sounds bad.

Bottling up frustrations - not helpful
Calling an anxious person 'lazy' is not ok
'Crazy angry' - obviously very much not ok

It seems you don't believe he has anxiety?

He should go to the GP as a first step.

You also need help I think, with communication and emotional regulation.

Living with somebody with mental health problems who refuses to get help is the absolute worst.

What @invite said resonated with me quite strongly - I’ve also suffered with anxiety and depression to the point of not being able to get out of bed or speak some days, however I also recognise that I behaved very selfishly and treated my DH badly letting him do everything (and I’m ashamed to say I really do mean everything!) to the point that it became just the norm for me to do nothing even on my good days. We also got to the point where he took me to task and told me he wasn’t prepared to go on as we were - and I’m very glad he did although it was hard to hear at the time. It was a big kick up the backside to me to a) put some effort into improving my MH instead of just wallowing in it and b) stop behaving so selfishly. Things are much better between us now and I have never let things slip in the same way again, although I do still have low periods. I don’t think you are wrong at all to express your feelings OP, although I’m also not surprised he reacted defensively as being on the receiving end of someone losing it a bit isn’t easy (especially if you secretly know they are right!). If you can I would try to talk to him calmly about how you feel and how his behaviour impacts you, but be very clear on what boundaries you want to set and then make sure you stick to them. Good luck.

Not gaslighting. Not even close. You obviously don’t know what the term means so I would suggest you don’t use it until you do. Gaslighting is a prolonged form of mental cruelty and torture. Not a disagreement between spouses over how something was said.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. I have GAD (diagnosed) and it’s hard sometimes - I feel myself sinking into a bit of a pit - but I have to still manage my life. I can’t be selfish and leave my DP to do everything because he’s got lots going on and I’m not selfish.

You’re doing all you can to support him - if his anxiety is at a level where he cannot function in daily life then he needs to speak to his GP and look at what options he has to help him.