Hello and thank you for reading.
All my life I’ve felt like I don’t fit in. I’m 39 now. Mum of 4 and married. My upbringing was pretty shitty but lots have it worse so I don’t dwell on it, but my parents were very narcissistic, emotionally immature, critical, controlling etc. I was the eldest child and had younger siblings with severe learning difficulties, so always had additional pressure to achieve perfection. I got a B for one of my GCSEs and my mum went mental and asked why I didn’t get an A, asked who in my year did get an A etc. Sports days; if I didn’t win a race my mum and dad would look embarrassed and then talk about it for weeks after. Never felt good enough.
My mum passed and I have minimal contact with dad. I’ve got a good education and achieved things. But my social anxiety is next level. It’s so bad that I’m too embarrassed to go to the GP to tell them. I’ve felt depressed (even suicidal) so many times in my life but I just always try to put my head down and get through. I never let anyone know how I feel, because I’m ashamed and would feel like a failure.
But I can’t mask it anymore. I’ve masked shyness in the past. For instance I’ll start a new job and appear confident and outgoing, but it’s an act. The mask slips always after a couple of weeks and then I just end up quitting the job as soon as someone even looks at me wrong or if a tiny mistake is pointed out, a mistake that others make and is expected. I feel if I’m less than perfect then people will judge me and talk about me.
I feel I have so many traits of ASD and ADHD. Depression. Definitely social anxiety.
Where can I get help?? I know I’ll go to the doctor with intentions of asking for help but I’ll end up masking and pretending everything is perfect.
I am nearly 40. I need a job I can hold for more than a few weeks. I need resilience. But I am so tired of always putting on a performance like I’m someone else. Please help :(