Constant calls and visits

[Glow23]

Hi posting for some advice and outlook on a situation. My husband and myself are incredibly close to DH’s grandparents (he lived with them from age 8) we live around the corner from them and have a 11 year old and a newborn. Now for the AIBU, the calls and visits from grandad are relentless, a typical day looks like this:
8am- phone call to my husband who will be in work
8.30am- phone call to myself who would have be in work now on maternity leave
11am- a phone call to myself or my husband
12pm- will normally turn up to say hello or do the grass regardless if one of us is wfh
3pm- I usually get a phone call asking if DD is on her way home from school
4pm- will turn up to the house to see how we are
6pm- will turn up or call

Somedays there are more calls or visits (e.g he has been round 4 times yesterday and 3 today) but never really less and was the same before we had our 2nd child so is not just the excitement of a new baby. Now the problem is he is doing it purely out of care and love and just wants to know we are ok but it is a lot especially when we are having tea or playing a board game or watching a film all together. It has been especially difficult the last few weeks when I was recovering from a csection and trying to establish breastfeeding.
If i don’t answer his call he immediately comes round. I feel like I am not going to be able to fully relax and enjoy my maternity leave.
We dont feel like we can ask him to stop and if we do we doubt it will have much effect. DGM is an amazing kind person but also quite a firery character and we don't want to cause a fall out or any upset.

How old are they? I think it would be fine to say if you don’t mind gd.. we are very busy in the morning..perhaps just come by at 3.. dear vgc is home then.

Sounds like he has nothing else going on in his life. How old is he?

Your husband needs to tell him to stop. You need to decide between you how often you are happy for him to call or pop round and tell him.

Nothing will change until your husband faces this head on. He will need to be brave, clear and gentle ( at least to begin with).

What a situation your in, he obviously loves you but how did you tell them to love you less, could your DH take him golfing or to an elderly centre to help him find a hobby. Do you go to see them and check in? Maybe call him in the mornings at your own leisure and let him know your ok and that you are busy so not to come round. I think you and DH need to put your heads together and think of something to help him, a hobby would really help. Does he have friends he can go out with or something to look forward to? Maybe you’re all he has so it’s difficult for him and he’s bored! Does he have a wife?

Yes this is definitely a problem he has no interest in taking up hobbies we have spoke to him about this when he first retired.

DGM is 78 and DGD 87

Yes he has a wife and 3 adult children, no friends. We always call round for a brew but this has no effect on how many times he calls or comes round. We could have left their house 20 minutes ago! He wont go on days out or things like that. The furthest he will go is to the shop for the paper.

I would find this suffocating. Your DH has left home and has his own family now. I can understand how you don't want to upset them, but you have to find a compromise with them somehow. You should be able to relax and have privacy in your own home without fretting about people popping round.

This is crazy, sounds like he's highly anxious or very bored. I think your husband needs a chat with him about what's reasonable. Not saying you should have to but what if your husband rings them in the morning to check they are OK and to say you are all well ,then you let them know you are home from school sage and sound. A visit every few days to yours or theirs . I think you gave to take control of this.

You need to basically state really clearly to your DH (as they’re from his side of the family) that he needs to have a word with them or you will and you will probably be blunter than him with your message.
They stop with all the calls. Immediately.
That way, if they do phone, it’s because there’s an emergency and you’re more likely to respond.
He also needs to get his grandparents involved in some social activities so that that’s where their time and focus is and not on you.

It's wrecking your maternity leave at the moment.

Next, I would consider browsing some estate agents websites for places outside of your immediate area so that you’re not right around the corner. (Drastic option but one you should consider).

Yeah get your DH to tell his DGD aged 87 to stop coming around and stop ringing because you CBA.

Ok then.

It’s definitely not because I cba, its just that 10 points of contact everyday is alot. I will never not answer the phone to him in case it ever was an emergency! We care about them both very much and go round a few times a week to cook tea or have a brew together or do their shopping but when we are home we want to be able to relax and not be interrupted constantly with calls or visits.

Is there a chance he is having memory issues which could be causing him a bit of anxiety? Like he is thinking “oh, I must call / check in on OP / grandkids” and is forgetting the conversations before?

If that’s not the reason how good is he with tech? Does he have a smartphone? If so could you set up a family whatsapp group so you can pop messages, photos on so he can see what you are all up to without having to come round or call you?

Oh god, I feel your pain. My grandparents came round every single day until they were too infirm. They visited in the morning and then again in the evening. If they fell out, they both came round separately. It drove my mum mad. My dad never addressed it because they had taken him in at the age of four when he was orphaned. I think he felt he owed them a debt of gratitude but it was the cause of many rows between my parents. I have no answer to this, I'm afraid, just endless sympathy.

Sounds very similar thank you! We also appreciate the day will come one day where we will miss the calls!

Sounds like you're in a human family together and that's what the close bonds of a human family are actually like.

It's just modernity has made independence from family seem normal. Everyone keeps pushing everyone away because it's now seen as interfering, overbearing, overstepping.

For the modern woman there's just one relationship with the DH that can be close, but he is born of no-one and related to no-one.

This atomised existence where all extended family are treated like borderline criminals for wanting a proper human relationship with their family is the modern Mumsnet approach.
Very inhumane in my view.

Hi no he is in great health physically and mentally. Unfortunately he does not use a smart phone and would not be inclined to learn DGM does use a tablet and is on social media daily. It is definitely a mixture of him being bored and feeling he has to check in that were ok.

So you think OP is unreasonable for finding at least 4 phone calls and 3 visits per day too much when she has a new baby and that she is treating her DH's grandparents like borderline criminals?

The grandparents' behaviour is at the extreme end of the spectrum of over-involved grandparents. OP is being very tolerant.