Wedding - what’s right?

[Sunshinemom]

Hey

Backstory, we were invited to a wedding in early Dec earlier this year. Initially thought it a good idea to go but then with the cost of Christmas realised it would be too much.

Groom came round ours to see if we were going and my husband obviously felt put on the spot and said yes.

Our Childcare options are unfortunately not available and the costs associated with the wedding are just getting out of hand, so I said my husband could just go and I’d look after the kids. When he told the groom he mentioned about the cost implications for him and that he would let us know how much we owe him.

I can see both sides but wondering if anyone else has been charged for no longer going to a wedding?

thanks x

We had some slow rsvps and a couple of close to the day and then some very last minute on the day drop outs at our wedding- mostly sickness or last minute travel issues- and someone who was an eternal maybe with our blessing as her DF was dying. She didn't make it on the day. Someone with wobbly MH had a panic attack at the champagne reception and ducked out. It didn't occur to me that any of these people might "owe" us money.

I can understand the frustration of the groom in terms of event planning but his attitude is crass. I'd tell him it's either cover money OR a wedding present. I think the only time I ever mentioned money re a guest was DHs Aunt. She kept saying more distant relatives barely known to DH MUST be invited. We said no; our wedding, our budget, our choices but if they truly meant that much to her, SHE could pay for them. Funnily enough they never came ...

Please don’t be taken in enough by pisstaking chancers that you think you might owe them something. You owe them nothing. For a December wedding they won’t have given the venue or caterer final numbers yet, so your absence will cost them nothing.

I had two guests drop out on the day citing swine flu. Hypothetically I'd paid £100 for them for no gain (the pleasure og their company) but by that point it's a negigable drop in the ocean.

It's normally about a month in advance that you confirm numbers so shouldn't normally cost at 2 months ahead.

I wonder if they've picked some OP venue where they need full occupancy to balance the costs, but it's always a risk to invite people minus their children to some far flung destination, and there's always a risk of last-minute changes of situation, so more fool them.

The groom is being ridiculous to think you "owe" him anything that you will then pay.

However you have been really inconsiderate and thoughtless messing them about.
When you received the invitation, that is when you should have thought "Oh, that's in the same month as Christmas" and investigated the possible places you could stay if you needed to though I'm not sure how it could cost you £1000 . It is incredibly rude and selfish to say you are going and then say you aren't.

Don't give him a penny

There are no cost implications. There is still at least 6 weeks to go. There is no way a venue would charge for someone who pulled out with 6 weeks left.
People often pull out at the last minute.
I would not give him any money.

£1000 for a night is entirely possible. Hotel rooms at weekend in high season are scarce and comfortably £250-£300 a night in many parts of London. Depending on where you are traveling from, train tickets.or flights could easily be in excess of £200 return a person. Plus sorting out childcare if usual options are unavailable. That's before you look at gifts, sundries (food, drinks at wedding, taxi/ tube etc.).

Not quite sure why people are surprised at the costs.

Not quite sure why people are surprised at the costs.

Probably because none of us have ever spent anywhere near that on attending a wedding.

I've spent that easily attending many weddings.

You don't owe him money OP but you've been really rude. What is it with people being so bloody flaky and disorganised? There's another thread with a op about to have a 40th birthday party and people dropping out after RSVPing. Then yet another one with an OP trying to justify pulling out of a group holiday for no valid reason. It's shitty behaviour.

I too am confused about the £1,000 figure - is this what he's asking for? If so, how did he come up with it? Or do you mean, it would have cost YOU £1,000, including childcare / outfit etc. But the groom is asking for the cost of your meal / attendance back (so £50 or so)?

I'm assuming just meal cost for them, but it was very rude of you to say yes and then change your mind. If you knew or even just thought it would be too much, he could have said "I'm not sure yet, we have to try and find childcare" rather than yes

I'd be pretty irritated if I was financially committed to paying for people who said they were coming and then didn't. It cost us over £150 per adult for our wedding (including meal, canapés, drinks packages and evening buffet) so unless someone had a genuine reason I'd be feeling miffed. I think we had to confirm numbers and make final payment 6 weeks before.

Only one person didn't turn up due to illness but it worked out in the end as an evening guest somehow got the wrong end of the stick and showed up in the day!

I'd never invoice someone though, as put out as I'd feel!

Sorry, @IlooklikeNigella to clarify, I was meaning the "people" EsmeSusanOgg mentioned as being surprised.

None of us rather than "no MNer ever".

I think many people have, or people have considered not going because of the costs. What an odd comment.

This really makes no sense as a comment whatsoever.

If I was your Dh, i wouldn’t be going now! How ridiculous.

We had 1 guest who just never turned up on the day (Dh’s uncle who has form for being a narcissistic wanker, he turned up to dh’s grandad’s funeral, not to attend, his wife attended alone, but to drive around in the car park in his Ferrari with his mistress 🙄) and also 3 guests who came to the wedding but couldn’t stay for the reception as they had a dying family member at home. All of them pulled out on the day of the wedding.

It didn’t occur to me at all that we were out of pocket. So what? It’s just one of those things.

But you would have paid regardless. It hasn't cost them more if people don't turn up. It's just a waste but it's not actually cost more money that if they had turned up.
It's like buying a slice of cake. Regardless of if you eat the whole thing or just a few bites you've still spent the same amount

Depending on the venue if they have to have a minimum amount of numbers and they go under that then bride and groom would still have to pay the minimum numbers.

It's not a cost implication though - they had budgeted for her to eat and drink. She's not coming and won't but it won't cost them more than they budgeted for.

Absolutely do not pay a penny!

This really makes no sense as a comment whatsoever.

It really does.
Which words don't you understand ?

I think many people have, or people have considered not going because of the costs. What an odd comment.

No-one is disagreeing that people sometimes have to turn down opportunities because they don't have the money to be able to afford them at the time, but my comment was questioning how anyone is spending £1000 attending a wedding. I've been to many, many weddings in my time and never spent anything anywhere near that. It isn't an odd comment at all.

No way cf!
He wouldn’t have given final numbers to venue so he is being an idiot.

You don’t owe him money, how ridiculous - what if someone was sick on the day, is he sending the bill to their hospital bed?

The pair of you should have behaved better about it though, it’s not like you didn’t know Christmas was at the same time.

If he texts you about the money owed just send a laughing emoji back!!

I understand the words. But the comment still makes no sense in the context.

You may have not spent this attending weddings. Buy others do. The cost of attending a wedding depends on quite a few factors that will be different for many guests - where is the wedding? Will they need to stay overnight (or longer)? How much is accommodation? How much is travel?

I said that the many incredulous comments from posters - like yourself - that the cost of a December wedding requiring travel, childcare, and overnight accommodation in London could possibly approach a £1000 was silly. It very easily could, and OP has decided that to reduce costs only one of them could attend (presumably for much lower overall costs as travel is reduced to 1, and childcare removed as a cost entirely).

You have then waffled on about how you have never spent close to that. Great, perhaps you have not had to travel a substantial distance to an expensive city, at an expensive time of year, whilst also finding childcare? I have a mid-week work trip that will cost £400 in December to London. That's pretty basic accommodation for one night, food, and train fare. Prices are high/ and availability of accommodation is low in December in the capital.

I've been to many weddings that are fairly inexpensive to go to (no overnight accomodation needed) and ones that are a lot pricier. As with anything - add in accommodation, travel, and childcare and the prices spiral.

The OP hasn't mentioned London.
That is something you have made up.