to think blocking/ghosting someone who's done nothing 'wrong' is cowardly/childish?

[bringincrazyback]

(Just to preface this: I’m not talking about stalking/harassing/otherwise distressing scenarios. Those are exactly what blocking and ghosting are for. I’m talking about situations where a dating/friendship setup simply isn’t working out for someone any more. Also, I have never been blocked myself, or at least not to my knowledge, so I don’t have a personal axe to grind here.)

I feel like we're seeing an increasing amount of ‘then block’ or ‘unfriend, block and move on’ type sentiments dispensed on MN as advice on how to end a relationship/stop dating someone/draw a line under a friendship where the other person hasn’t really done anything ‘wrong’ as such. Not sure if this is just an MN thing, but I think it’s often overkill, and can be quite childish and cowardly tbh. (And that’s before I even get started on the ‘tell them every last thing that annoys you about them, then block’ type posts which go way beyond cowardly imo.)

Have we really all lost the art of having an open/matter-of-fact conversation, telling someone we're just not feeling it but all the best for the future, and... simply leaving it there?

If the other person acts aggressively or in a harassing way, or starts stalking, or simply won't leave it, that's the time to block. Some people seem to view blocking as part and parcel of deciding to stop seeing someone, and it's just cowardly imo, like the online equivalent of sticking fingers in one's ears and going 'la, la, la, not listening'. And just as juvenile.

Has this really become the rule book on how to leave someone behind? And if so, is it just me who thinks this is a depressing/unhelpful trend?

I agree. Especially as these days you can just send a message and don't even have to speak to the person.

If this is a TAAT about the thread with the bloke with the dirty flat, YABU. The woman doesn't owe him anything.

She is being advised to block him so he can't wheedle and manipulate his way into having a relationship with her because she doesn't know who will try and worm their way back into her life and who won't after only a couple of dates.

The Relationships board is chock-full of women who didn't block a shit man who then convinced/manipulated them into staying with them/continuing a relationship that the woman didn't really want, and years down the line she doesn't know how to get out of it because every time she tries he manipulates her into staying again.

Blocking isn't "childish", not blocking is naive. It's a jungle out there and women owe it to themselves to keep themselves safe.

I think the old fashioned "have a conversation and leave it" was a great way to do things pre social media / phones being so accessible, pre phones you couldn't then be followed on social media / kept up to date with / kept in contact with by people you didn't want to keep in contact with.

I think blocking is absolutely fine to do - if you don't want to be in a relationship with / friends with someone, why would you want them to continue having an insight into your life or being able to contact you when they wanted on your phone? It's a great way to be able to protect your peace in a relatively easy step, especially in the current times of being always "on" and contactable with phones.

There almost as many posts complaining that posters are ghosted and they don't know why and people tell them that's it's a very coward way to do things so O guess it depends on which end you fall!

I did see that one in passing but not the details; it's not specifically about it. I've been noticing this for some time.

I'm not really talking about the kinds of scenarios you're describing, though. I would have thought my wording made it clear that where it's about safety or protection from being hounded, blocking is appropriate. Blocking after a couple of dates because (to make up a random example) someone blows their nose too loudly? Not so much. Same goes for blocking a lifelong friend because of a minor disagreement, which I've also seen advocated on here.

Sometimes it's not a question of what we 'owe' others, but a question of being a decent human being (which, before anyone starts baying, is not the same thing as #bekind).

Why would I want to stay in touch and available to someone I have recognised I am not compatible with?

If I don't want to continue a relationship with someone, I let them know and then block. Using your example of the nose-blowing man, why would he want to stay in contact with me anyway?

If it's been a longer relationship, then blocking after a break up gives everyone time to heal, and although I would be courteous if I saw the person IRL, I have no desire to keep up with the lives of my exes.

I only block if I am completely done with a relationship, and I never unblock. I have blocked people without explanation, but only when they have behaved so badly that it is obvious why I have blocked and doesn't need saying.

OP, it seems like you maybe see blocking as some form of punishment. Whereas I see it as a recognition that a relationship is ended and there's no reason to maintain online or phone contact. It prevents any ambiguity and false hope - whether on my side or theirs.

I do think it is wrong to use blocking as a manipulation tactic - blocking then unblocking is gameplaying bollocks.

I think that in the case of a relationship or friendship that hasn't been toxic, the civilised/decent thing to do is give someone the opportunity to say something back. If that something proves to be problematic, blocking may then be necessary of course.

It's not really about punishment imo, and I think stopping someone seeing your online activity is a different issue. As mentioned, if someone thinks a person is going to snoop or stalk, they'd block them. But for a civilised parting of the ways, it's quite insulting/conceited imo to assume a former friend/flame is going to be all up in one's online business. Personally when friendships/relationships have ended, for me the last thing I've wanted is to see what they're doing online. I realise a lot depends on whether there's any acrimony in the mix, obviously.

In the context of dating, when you meet a bunch of random people from apps, why should you not block when it is not going anywhere? I have done OLD briefly and you never know why someone you have been on one date with two years ago presumes he can get in touch to "see how you are" and try to "catch up".

For longer friendships and relationships, I agree with you.

Completely agree. My former best friend of 40 years ghosted me and when I asked her about she said yes I have been because you’re not interested in things that are important to me (watching videos about Covid and vaccine conspiracies and thinking Putin is justified in invading Ukraine)

@bringincrazyback in terms of friendships, I absolutely agree with you. It feels as if it crept through from internet dating culture and somehow became an acceptable way to treat friends.

I really don't understand how it has turned out like this. Maybe the damage of online culture generally.

edit - last year someone said to me that internet dating culture was going to damage society and I'd feel the result even though I don't do it. I was baffled! Now I understand why they thought that.

I agree that blocking a friend with no prior discussion is immature. Dating wise, it depends on how long you have been dating. Blocking someone without a discussion after six months is obviously wrong.

I say the above if there's no abusive behaviour whatsoever.

I haven't noticed a trend for advising people to block friends or boyfriend without a discussion.

There are a good few posters who seem to think it's acceptable to ghost people who you might have been friends with for years. They're often people who "don't like confrontation" and seem to be incapable of honest communication.

Surely you should ghost/block her for those views?

I'd be telling someone with those views why I didn't want to continue a friendship with them.

Blocking after a couple of dates because (to make up a random example) someone blows their nose too loudly? Not so much. Same goes for blocking a lifelong friend because of a minor disagreement

I agree with the latter but not the former. I see no reason not to block a date because the relationship, for whatever reason, has no future. Ideally after sending a 'fare thee well' message. I think ghosting without warning is both cowardly and rude, unless the person was obnoxious in some way.

I agree with whoever said that dating etiquette seems to have started to influence how people handle friendships. Blocking a friend without warning, especially someone who has been in one's life for a considerable time, is very hurtful - particularly if the person being dropped has no idea why. At least offer an honest but civil explanation.

That's the key really - only ghost after a final message, unless you are dealing with an Rshole.

I get what you're saying re dating app randoms. But even then, I don't think I'd block someone unless they caused me problems in some way, simply because it would feel redundant - I wouldn't flatter myself that they'd give me enough thought to stalk or hassle me, if it'd only been a few dates. Obviously it'd be different if they were making a nuisance of themselves or being inappropriate.

Ghosting's in the same ballpark, though? I may have misinterpreted your post, but the intention of my OP wasn't to present ghosting as an alternative to blocking, my view is that they're both overkill/inappropriate in some scenarios.

Ghosting's in the same ballpark, though? I may have misinterpreted your post, but the intention of my OP wasn't to present ghosting as an alternative to blocking, my view is that they're both overkill/inappropriate in some scenarios
My post was in support of yours. It was to show that ultimately, it's the easiest way to get rid of an uncomfortable situation, even if it's clear from posts from those who've been on the other side that it's not nice when you're the receiver.

Why not just message to say it's not working out for you and you've decided to cut contact but wish them well - and then block. How do you decide who you 'owe' something to and who you don't? It's a very bizarre concept to me.

If you just ghost someone they're going to be wondering what's going on and more likely to try and contact you another way to find out. Why not just end it and then block? It's not about 'owing' anyone anything.

Ah yeah, sorry, I was reading your post in the wrong light. Been a long week 😄

Alternatively, you could do all that and then... not block? 🤔

Unless the person is behaving in a way that warrants blocking, obviously.

This is such a good point.

5yrs ago I was ghosted by a woman who had been one of closest friends. I was (& remain) baffled by it. Totally and utterly baffled.

I wonder if anyone who hasn’t been through it can possibly understand the absolute devastation that ‘just block and ignore’ can cause when the other person has no idea what they have done. Genuinely no clue at all. And to say ‘people don’t owe you an explanation’ - you know what, sometimes it’s just common decency to afford someone that level of dignity.

Imagine the sheer misery of reaching out to someone and not realising that you are blocked or are being ignored for a reason you know nothing about.

I've had a couple of those conversations.

They can get very uncomfortable and borderline dangerous.

I stopped talking to one "friend" after she said that it was perfectly ok to talk about how disabled people were a drag in society and useless. (I'm disabled).

I said to her I found that upsetting and she burst into tears, spent nearly an hour trying to persuade me that she was right and that it wasn't something I should be upset about.

Never again.

Now when someone is nasty about disabled people I just don't speak to them again.

I think every approach can backfire unfortunately.

Years ago now I had a friendship go to hell because I was honest with my friend about her child’s bad behaviour in my home. I was polite but factual. All blew up terribly.

More recently I started to see the same pattern again. I thought I’d politely distance myself, refuse meetups etc and just build some distance. I’m still being pursued for meetups a year on!

I have to admit that would be a blocking offence in my book too. Ditto other offensive views.