Looking for some advice because I am feeling really overwhelmed and sad about current circumstances in my life and don’t see a way forward. Just wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice. Thank you in advance.
Last year I fled a domestically abusive relationship, I won’t go into all the ins and outs of it because it would be outing to people who know me in real life. Mainly consisted of covert emotional abuse for near enough the entirety of the relationship (that I didn’t really notice the severity of at the time) and escalated to intermittent physical violence during the last year of the relationship and to one major incident that was sadly carried out by my abusive ex partner in front of the children. Which resulted in me fleeing with my dc and reporting the incident to the police. Fast forward a year and he has plead not guilty to all charges and sadly my children, I and other witnesses will have to go to trial next year.
In addition to this, amongst the past year I was being supported by a close friend that was a massive help with me navigating the police investigation and being a general rock for me throughout this stressful time. Feelings grew between us and we started seeing each other (in hindsight I know now was not the right decision and I should have taken time to heal).
I subsequently fell pregnant whilst being on the pill, which was a massive shock for both of us. He told me from the get go that he thought I should have a termination for a number of reasons, which I partly agreed with. I was in contact with BPAS for many weeks but they could tell I was unsure of whether to terminate or not and quite rightly so couldn’t allow me to follow through with any treatment. Throughout this time I was open and honest with dp about how I felt and he kept reinforcing his feelings on the situation and how he didn’t want the baby which I was understanding of but was trying to communicate that the termination was something I didn’t think I could mentally go through with. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, dp starts being really off and snappy with me saying along the lines of ‘when it is here I won’t want to come over and will be going out as much as I want’. He also started making ‘jokes’ about when he goes to work away he’ll have to find someone else to sleep with. These comments made me feel really hurt as I was already struggling emotionally. A few days later he rang me and said he didn’t think we could be together if I was continuing with the pregnancy and ended the relationship. He came round my flat a few days after to give me my spare key back and to pick up some belongings he had round mine. He was being really cuddly and saying how sorry he was and how our relationships was great and how he still loved me and the only negative thing was me wanting to have the baby. I stupidly slept with him when he was over because I still have strong feelings for him and didn’t want this relationship to end. In the back of my mind at this point I really thought he would come around and just needed some space to get his head back round things. The massive kicker in the teeth is straight after he slept with me he told me he had already signed up to dating websites and was speaking to girls as a way of ‘distracting himself from my pregnancy’. He then left and we had one last phone call a couple of days later where I asked him just to be crystal clear that when the baby is here would he want to know and he replied saying he wants no information or nothing to do with the baby at all. I have no heard from him since and we’ve been in no contact for over a week. I go from feeling really depressed one minute to angry the next and then feeling waves of fleeting positivity that I can do this on my own.
I think the betrayal and abandonment I’ve just experienced recently is harder for me to process than the DV situation. This man saw me go through the hardest moments of my life and was there being so supportive one minute to completely disappearing and being emotionally cold and distant.
I am currently trying to be positive and put on a brave face for my DC. One shining light is that amongst all the adversity they have sadly faced they are doing really well emotionally, physically, and academically. As a result of the DV we’ve experienced we have been in contact with a number of amazing services that have put things in place to support the children. I think ultimately the main factor being is that they’re no longer living in an environment where they’re witnessing hostility so they’re able to actually relax and be children. I carry a lot of guilt of what my DC have been through and witnessed, ultimately going ahead, I have decided to be work on myself and just be single indefinitely as I know I have a lot of trauma and healing to do and my DC deserve the world and I want to be the best Mother I can be.