Not sure what I'm asking. .

[DaffodilPants]

So imagine a close family member is very ill, and it's touch and go.
They're not old, just a random thing that could turn out to be serious but they could equally get better with the right treatment.
Or not!! We just don't know.
So my husband is saying "oh it's nothing, oh don't worry about it"
And then becomes testy with me because of course I'm worrying about it.
And my constant worrying upsets his social plans because he isn't at all worried about anything. He's not a worrier. So I say I can't go make jolly with his friends while I'm waiting for some very short term results. Because I'm worried, and I can't socialise while I'm so worried. It's not forever. Just while this health thing becomes more clear. A month or so until we have some clear results.
He says we should go ahead with jollification (or invitations to dinner) because it takes your mind off it.
Nothing takes my mind off it. It's a strain to pretend to be having a good time whilst you have this black cloud of worry hanging over you. So my question is, am I being unreasonable?
YABU Yes, you should go out, get drunk, and fuck worrying.
YANBU It's really difficult to pretend to be having a good time and make small talk whilst a close relative is quite ill and might not get better.

I dont think you're being unreasonable

You're anxious about a pending diagnosis and don't feel like socialising because of the anxiety

Why can't your husband respect that?

Why can't he socialise on his own?

I’m sorry about your relative op. I hope things work out for the best for them.

Neither approach is wrong and both are valid. What is wrong is your dh trying to force his approach on you and dictate how you feel about this!

Tell him to go by himself. Stand your ground.

Im a worrier - but I wouldn't be putting my entire social life on hold for a month for some results to come back for someone else, that wouldn't be good for me mentally!

I'm more on the side of your DH - I don't think accepting an invitation to dinner during this month or so long waiting period would be an issue, I wouldn't be locking myself away.

I know you’re worried but you can’t put your life on hold.
I wouldn’t want my dc to stop enjoying life just because I’m ill.
However your dh should allow you to make your own decision.

I'm of the opinion that worrying about things is pointless and a waste of time. What will be will be. But just worrying is fruitless and achieves nothing.

My feelings would be, if it all turns out to be ok, all that time spent worrying will have been a waste and think of all the things you'll have missed out on.

And what if it doesn't turn out to be ok? Will you spend the rest of your life worrying about someone else's? Or will you feel more comfortable woth certainties?

Life goes on for everyone else either way and 'worrying' achieves nothing.

If its just the current uncertainty that is playing on your mind, then I think you need to do what is right for you for the next few weeks but if this is likely to become a long term pattern of suppressing your own life through worry about someone else's, then you might need to consider different ways of managing your feelings around it.

Genuine and heartfelt question : how do you stop worrying ? It absolutely is pointless. I agree. But how to stop it 🥰

I stop worrying via distraction. Filling my time with anything, even forced jolity does it.

I'm a teacher, in a full days teaching I don't worry, because there's so much else going on.

It's fine to ask!

Tbh, I used to worry a lot. About stuff that never happened or was never as bad as I thought it was going to be etc. I once read something similar to I posted and it really resonated!

I thought about it and realised that I'd never actually effected any outcome by worrying and that I probably wouldn't by not worrying about it either!

I just became quite pragmatic about it.

If there was something I could practically do to improve the outcome or lessen its impact (either for myself or someone else), I did it.

If there wasn't, I acknowledged that it was shit and told myself I wasn't stupid for being concerned but that there was nothing I could do so who/what was benefitting from my worrying? The answer was always no one and nothing. So I found things to do by distracting myself. It does help to put it out of your mind or to allow yourself time off from worrying so you can enjoy yourself/live your life.

So I just stopped myself everytime I realised I was worrying about something I had no control over. It can take a lot of self talk.

Neuroplasticity is a wonderful thing. Everytime I worried, I was strengthening those neural pathways so that worrying was the default. When I acknowledged a situation but accepted I couldn't change it and so there was no point worrying, those neural pathways were strengthened instead.

Its natural to feel concerned. But if worrying has a negative impact those around you, that also needs to be considered. If it is affecting your quality of life, that needs to he addressed. Problems aren't solved by compounding them with others.

It's not healthy or virtuous to worry a lot. It makes people feel that they are doing something when they feel helpless otherwise. For some, it feels selfish and uncaring to not worry if that concern is about someone else.

But it requires you to literally stop and consciously think, "What am I achieving here?" and realising it's absolutely nothing to change it

I'm a worrier. No amount of being told to not worry will stop me worrying.

To be told to stop doing something that is out of your control is very frustrating and adds to the stress of the original problem (in my case anyway)

However if you're worrying out loud a lot it can be annoying for others to hear so I usually just shut up and keep things to myself and put on a positive face to make others feel better and think I'm normal. So to speak.

Brilliant post, @GreyCarpet

Thank you 😊 🥰

Neither of you are wrong, but you should respect each others way of being.

Surely he can socialise on his own if you don’t fancy it?

Not to criticise anyone on here but I don't think using absolute statements like, "I'm a worrier," helps either.

None of us are permanently and unchangably anything if we choose not to be.

That's when labeling ourselves becomes unhelpful and restrictive.

Anyone can change if they want to do so enough. You might not become someone who never worries but you can certainly become someone who puts things into perspective and finds ways of managing it so its not all consuming.

If you can't change it then how does staying home being miserable and worrying help?

Anyone can change if they want to do so enough. You might not become someone who never worries but you can certainly become someone who puts things into perspective and finds ways of managing it so its not all consuming

Thank you 🥰

This, and very much depends on both of your expectations, are you saying neither of you should go out? Is he forcing you to go?
Are you the only family member this person has, if not are you all staying inside at level 100 worrying?

@GreyCarpet

I used the phrase "I'm a worrier" because truthfully I am, I cannot change that. It's linked to anxiety / OCD etc - unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that and as much as the whole "there's nothing you can't change enough if you want to" is a great positive stick to hit people with, it doesn't apply to everyone. Of course I can put things in perspective, hence I then followed on my worrier statement by saying I wouldn't let it dominate, but being a worrier is an intrinsic part of how my brain is wired.

Im a worrier - but I wouldn't be putting my entire social life on hold for a month for some results to come back for someone else

But from your own posts, you have found ways of managing it so that it's not all consuming and you can find some perspective.

That's not to minimise your experience and suggest that it's easy. It's a bloody hard thing to do (I was diagnosed with GAD 30 years ago). So what I said wasn't a 'positive stick to beat people with' but the truth. Because you've done it too.