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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reaching a point of burn out. Advice needed.

20 replies

iamworthmore · 17/10/2024 22:58

I really need some support and advice, I am feeling particularly low today. I am a mother of two children in primary school. Working full time office based and juggling everything alone. The children’s dad spends the majority of his life in Europe with work, months at a time, followed by a few weeks back in the Uk and repeat. He has zero commitment or responsibility for their physical day to day lives. He does as he pleases, we are never sure when he will next announce he is turning up. He very much lives a life of luxury hotels and fancy dinners.

My current mental health is not helped by the fact I am exhausted and juggling so much, but the resentment I feel is eating me up. I have no life. I literally work, act as the children’s daily taxi service/ schedule manager, and attempt (badly) to keep on top of the relentless housework. I am living to my last £1 every month. I feel like I am reaching a point of burn out. Please tell me your single parent tips of how you keep going. I feel like my current life is unsustainable for my physical and mental health.

OP posts:
TheSnugHare · 17/10/2024 23:07

I don’t know if you’ve already thought of these things but I thought I would suggest them

How old are your children? Get a physical visual planner. they look like this (attached.) there are different ones. You can also use reward charts for following them and you could also try and get them to do things for themselves. This takes out the need to tell your children what to do all of the time. You could also make one yourself.
use plastic containers for batch cooking (attached ). They are from the My Choice brand on Amazon and they can be microwaved. I have them myself. When you are next cooking make twice the amount you usually would so you don’t have to cook the next day.
if your children’s father isn’t really involved, how do you feel about just stopping him seeing them? You don’t have to answer that but it’s something to think about.
Presumably your children have books and other things to occupy themselves with. If you remove their screens it will be hell initially but then their behaviour should improve and they will occupy themselves with the other things they have. Screens are addictive
if this did/didn’t help, let me know

Reaching a point of burn out. Advice needed.
Reaching a point of burn out. Advice needed.
Journeyintomelody · 18/10/2024 06:51

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and I can completely understand why you are feeling resentful. It's unfair that you are doing absolutely everything. How old are your children? I think this makes a big difference!

I am a single mum but only have one child so have it easier than you. Here are my tips - the things that keep me from burning out.

Prioritise yourself. It doesn't mean you love your kids any less and it certainly doesn't make you a bad mother, quite the opposite. You need to be as physically rested as you can be and mentally well for your children. I go for a run and have a shower every morning, but it could be 10 mins of stretching, some yoga, body weights. I find that exercise gives me energy and I always start the day feeling like I'm going to conquer the day rather than think "fuck, here we go again!". When you have a positive mindset it's much easier to overcome hurdles.

Worrying about finances is draining and sucks the life out of you. I live on £450 month excluding rent/council tax/water/electric. That includes food, transport, toiletries, kids clubs, events, cleaning products etc... and that's in London. Sometimes I have a little left over at the end of the month. Good planning is important. I set myself a budgets for different things using Monzo so I can keep track over the month. You can almost certainly cut down on your food shop! I was spending a fortune on food until I really stripped back. You don't need to use every ingredient in the recipe. My weekday meals usually have no more thn 5 or 6 ingredients.

When it comes to cooking, I don't meal prep. I just don't have the time to do a big cookathon nor the freezer space. Instead we have the same meal two nights in a row. (Or for dinner then leftovers for lunch then next day). So one day cooking takes 20 mins and the next day 5 mins. On the 'less time cooking day' I use the extra time for a bit of cleaning. Eg. Bathroom or kitchen (basically the things that need a bit more of a deep clean).

Housework I do daily : dishes and wipes down kitchen in the evening, hoover the carpet in bedroom (takes 2 mins). Then when I get 5 mins it's easy jobs throughout the day as I see them, dust the bookshelf (it's always dusty!), clean the toilet, wipe the mirror etc. I don't get stressed about it, I try to follow the clean and tidy as you go rule. If your kids are old enough get them to help!! Even a 5 year old can be very useful

Again, I don't know how old your children are are but for me I have tried to steer DD towards independence even from very young. She is excellent at independent play because she has to be (I can leave her to babble and play with her toys for almost an hour just popping my head in occasionally). I don't want to sound preachy but I was adamant that she had to fit around my life rather than the other way round. (In reality everything does revolve around her... I suppose it's more of a balance). It's good for kids to be bored, that's when they get creative.

Give yourself a 'no commitment' day. A free day where you can just be. Whether that's an evening with no kids clubs or activities planned, a shorter work day, whatever but carve out some time in the week where you can just breathe and recharge.

Can you arrange lift shares? Again more info needed, but if you can take it in turns with another parent that can take some pressure off.

Getting the children to start helping with small tasks such as putting their school uniforms in the washing, putting their own clothes away, packing their school bags, helping with tasks such as laying the table, putting toys away, dusting (I am always dusting because we live in a city flat!), hoovering. It's doesn't have to be a punishment! Make It fun. Stick on some music and let them dance around 'helping you clean' - you will be able to actually do some housework and it will also be good for them.

I used to look after 3 boys (full time for a while whilst their mother was in NZ). I used to dread those winter school runs (35 mins each way). The only way we got through was solidarity, trying to make the drives fun. Music helped using the time to have a chat, or play games. Making sure that everything is ready before takes the stress away. There is nothing wrong with having toast on the way to school if you are in a rush. (It's one of my happy childhood memories, eating toast whilst walking to school).

No screens in our house. My DD is still to young to care. But even when I was looking after the older kids it was also screen-free. I found that the kids were more involved in the household, wanted to talk and help. In my view when they have a lot of time on screens, kids become detached, grumpy, don't enjoy family time as much because they are restless to get back to whatever they are doing. It's just not a nice dynamic. I think it's important to enjoy your time with the kids rather than feeling as though everything is on you. For a mental shift try turning all your 'have tos' into 'get tos'. (It really works!) Practicing gratitude is a great way to curb resentment in my experience

Do you have friends with children a similar age. Can you do family play dates? Ie. Mum and kids come to yours, you two have a coffee and chat while kids play outside sort of vibe, and then switch. Then you can have some adult time and kids are happy together. It's important that you have adult relationships, so you can talk about stuff, normalise the everyday challenges of parenthood.

Finally, I take a moment when I feel stress bubbling up inside me and ask myself "how important is this?" Will the world end tomorrow if it doesn't get done?" (Of course not!) Why am I stressed? (Overwhelm usually) Will something terrible happen if this is not done now? (No, most things can wait) Would I rather be happy and calm and enjoying my day? (Yes) Only give things the amount of time and attention they need. Ask yourself, is this a 5 minute task, a 10 minutes task or is this a 'i need to sit down and concentrate on this for an extended period of time kind of task".

I have a to do list on your phone. So if I get a spare moment and don't know where to begin I can start working through the list. At the top of the list I have my daily task (is. The one thing that MUST be done) as long as that one thing gets crossed off, I can go to bed happy.

This is just my experience. I hope it helps in a small way. You sound like a great mum.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 18/10/2024 06:56

Which area in your life do you feel is lacking? Do you get much down time at the weekends? Are you happy with your social life, friends etc?

Bornnotbourne · 18/10/2024 07:12

are you claiming CMS? Make sure you do and use it on little things that help you.

Bearpawk · 18/10/2024 07:30

Are you in a relationship with their father ?
Do you share finances ?

BabyCloud · 18/10/2024 07:38

Can you put your foot down and get a plan for him to have regular contact? Does he pay for them? If not why not? Get that sorted asap if needs be.
Any family who can help out?

jeaux90 · 18/10/2024 07:47

OP what is the situation with the father? Is he an ex? Do you claim CMS? Do you have a CAO in place?

I have been a lone parent for 15 years, early years are definitely the hardest. Routine, not having too high standard on cleaning, don't iron anything, and oven bake everything you can to save cooking time (think things like oven baked risotto, or slow cooker bolognaise etc)

Work wise, I know this sounds counter intuitive but is there an opportunity to push yourself and get promoted etc? I really pushed myself in the primary school years and it definitely paid off.

NewZealandintherain · 18/10/2024 07:47

@Journeyintomelody incredible post, so helpful! ☺️

The only thing I can add (probably unhelpfully!) is do you get a contribution from their dad?

Good luck @iamworthmore you sound like you’re a good mum. Hopefully you’ll get some support and helpful advice here.

jeaux90 · 18/10/2024 08:14

Missed something from my PP

If the DC are decent sleepers, make sure you are taking some time those evenings for yourself. Don't always spend it catching up with chores.

Watch a movie, have a bath, do some yoga, anything that makes it your time. As a lone parent for 15 years you really need to take care of yourself.

Sometimes I just lay on the floor with the tv on and have a stretch and take a few deep breaths . I know it sounds silly but it helps me.

ChocNice · 18/10/2024 08:19

Journeyintomelody · 18/10/2024 06:51

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and I can completely understand why you are feeling resentful. It's unfair that you are doing absolutely everything. How old are your children? I think this makes a big difference!

I am a single mum but only have one child so have it easier than you. Here are my tips - the things that keep me from burning out.

Prioritise yourself. It doesn't mean you love your kids any less and it certainly doesn't make you a bad mother, quite the opposite. You need to be as physically rested as you can be and mentally well for your children. I go for a run and have a shower every morning, but it could be 10 mins of stretching, some yoga, body weights. I find that exercise gives me energy and I always start the day feeling like I'm going to conquer the day rather than think "fuck, here we go again!". When you have a positive mindset it's much easier to overcome hurdles.

Worrying about finances is draining and sucks the life out of you. I live on £450 month excluding rent/council tax/water/electric. That includes food, transport, toiletries, kids clubs, events, cleaning products etc... and that's in London. Sometimes I have a little left over at the end of the month. Good planning is important. I set myself a budgets for different things using Monzo so I can keep track over the month. You can almost certainly cut down on your food shop! I was spending a fortune on food until I really stripped back. You don't need to use every ingredient in the recipe. My weekday meals usually have no more thn 5 or 6 ingredients.

When it comes to cooking, I don't meal prep. I just don't have the time to do a big cookathon nor the freezer space. Instead we have the same meal two nights in a row. (Or for dinner then leftovers for lunch then next day). So one day cooking takes 20 mins and the next day 5 mins. On the 'less time cooking day' I use the extra time for a bit of cleaning. Eg. Bathroom or kitchen (basically the things that need a bit more of a deep clean).

Housework I do daily : dishes and wipes down kitchen in the evening, hoover the carpet in bedroom (takes 2 mins). Then when I get 5 mins it's easy jobs throughout the day as I see them, dust the bookshelf (it's always dusty!), clean the toilet, wipe the mirror etc. I don't get stressed about it, I try to follow the clean and tidy as you go rule. If your kids are old enough get them to help!! Even a 5 year old can be very useful

Again, I don't know how old your children are are but for me I have tried to steer DD towards independence even from very young. She is excellent at independent play because she has to be (I can leave her to babble and play with her toys for almost an hour just popping my head in occasionally). I don't want to sound preachy but I was adamant that she had to fit around my life rather than the other way round. (In reality everything does revolve around her... I suppose it's more of a balance). It's good for kids to be bored, that's when they get creative.

Give yourself a 'no commitment' day. A free day where you can just be. Whether that's an evening with no kids clubs or activities planned, a shorter work day, whatever but carve out some time in the week where you can just breathe and recharge.

Can you arrange lift shares? Again more info needed, but if you can take it in turns with another parent that can take some pressure off.

Getting the children to start helping with small tasks such as putting their school uniforms in the washing, putting their own clothes away, packing their school bags, helping with tasks such as laying the table, putting toys away, dusting (I am always dusting because we live in a city flat!), hoovering. It's doesn't have to be a punishment! Make It fun. Stick on some music and let them dance around 'helping you clean' - you will be able to actually do some housework and it will also be good for them.

I used to look after 3 boys (full time for a while whilst their mother was in NZ). I used to dread those winter school runs (35 mins each way). The only way we got through was solidarity, trying to make the drives fun. Music helped using the time to have a chat, or play games. Making sure that everything is ready before takes the stress away. There is nothing wrong with having toast on the way to school if you are in a rush. (It's one of my happy childhood memories, eating toast whilst walking to school).

No screens in our house. My DD is still to young to care. But even when I was looking after the older kids it was also screen-free. I found that the kids were more involved in the household, wanted to talk and help. In my view when they have a lot of time on screens, kids become detached, grumpy, don't enjoy family time as much because they are restless to get back to whatever they are doing. It's just not a nice dynamic. I think it's important to enjoy your time with the kids rather than feeling as though everything is on you. For a mental shift try turning all your 'have tos' into 'get tos'. (It really works!) Practicing gratitude is a great way to curb resentment in my experience

Do you have friends with children a similar age. Can you do family play dates? Ie. Mum and kids come to yours, you two have a coffee and chat while kids play outside sort of vibe, and then switch. Then you can have some adult time and kids are happy together. It's important that you have adult relationships, so you can talk about stuff, normalise the everyday challenges of parenthood.

Finally, I take a moment when I feel stress bubbling up inside me and ask myself "how important is this?" Will the world end tomorrow if it doesn't get done?" (Of course not!) Why am I stressed? (Overwhelm usually) Will something terrible happen if this is not done now? (No, most things can wait) Would I rather be happy and calm and enjoying my day? (Yes) Only give things the amount of time and attention they need. Ask yourself, is this a 5 minute task, a 10 minutes task or is this a 'i need to sit down and concentrate on this for an extended period of time kind of task".

I have a to do list on your phone. So if I get a spare moment and don't know where to begin I can start working through the list. At the top of the list I have my daily task (is. The one thing that MUST be done) as long as that one thing gets crossed off, I can go to bed happy.

This is just my experience. I hope it helps in a small way. You sound like a great mum.

I’m going to try these!! Thank you

Detchi · 18/10/2024 08:22

I wonder if you need some time off work with exhaustion.

Kids' taxi driver - are they doing too much? Cut down extracurriculars and playdates if you're doing them. Kids having a mum who's functioning is much more important for them than either. Doing less is OK.

waitingforthebus · 18/10/2024 08:34

Sounds really tough :-( so practical time things - batch cook. Cut down on clutter - A simple room is much easier to clean than a messy one. What can you get others to help you on - lift shares? You do a Monday a friend does a Tuesday?
Is getting him to pay more an option?
Working from home?
Game changer for us was changing straight out of school clothes into pjs. So much less laundry. On the laundry, if you can afford the dryer just blast through everything in a day.
What can the kids do to help in the house? Primary age (young) can wipe kitchen cupboards and skirting with a damp cloth, set the table etc

letmego24 · 18/10/2024 08:35

Journeyintomelody · 18/10/2024 06:51

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and I can completely understand why you are feeling resentful. It's unfair that you are doing absolutely everything. How old are your children? I think this makes a big difference!

I am a single mum but only have one child so have it easier than you. Here are my tips - the things that keep me from burning out.

Prioritise yourself. It doesn't mean you love your kids any less and it certainly doesn't make you a bad mother, quite the opposite. You need to be as physically rested as you can be and mentally well for your children. I go for a run and have a shower every morning, but it could be 10 mins of stretching, some yoga, body weights. I find that exercise gives me energy and I always start the day feeling like I'm going to conquer the day rather than think "fuck, here we go again!". When you have a positive mindset it's much easier to overcome hurdles.

Worrying about finances is draining and sucks the life out of you. I live on £450 month excluding rent/council tax/water/electric. That includes food, transport, toiletries, kids clubs, events, cleaning products etc... and that's in London. Sometimes I have a little left over at the end of the month. Good planning is important. I set myself a budgets for different things using Monzo so I can keep track over the month. You can almost certainly cut down on your food shop! I was spending a fortune on food until I really stripped back. You don't need to use every ingredient in the recipe. My weekday meals usually have no more thn 5 or 6 ingredients.

When it comes to cooking, I don't meal prep. I just don't have the time to do a big cookathon nor the freezer space. Instead we have the same meal two nights in a row. (Or for dinner then leftovers for lunch then next day). So one day cooking takes 20 mins and the next day 5 mins. On the 'less time cooking day' I use the extra time for a bit of cleaning. Eg. Bathroom or kitchen (basically the things that need a bit more of a deep clean).

Housework I do daily : dishes and wipes down kitchen in the evening, hoover the carpet in bedroom (takes 2 mins). Then when I get 5 mins it's easy jobs throughout the day as I see them, dust the bookshelf (it's always dusty!), clean the toilet, wipe the mirror etc. I don't get stressed about it, I try to follow the clean and tidy as you go rule. If your kids are old enough get them to help!! Even a 5 year old can be very useful

Again, I don't know how old your children are are but for me I have tried to steer DD towards independence even from very young. She is excellent at independent play because she has to be (I can leave her to babble and play with her toys for almost an hour just popping my head in occasionally). I don't want to sound preachy but I was adamant that she had to fit around my life rather than the other way round. (In reality everything does revolve around her... I suppose it's more of a balance). It's good for kids to be bored, that's when they get creative.

Give yourself a 'no commitment' day. A free day where you can just be. Whether that's an evening with no kids clubs or activities planned, a shorter work day, whatever but carve out some time in the week where you can just breathe and recharge.

Can you arrange lift shares? Again more info needed, but if you can take it in turns with another parent that can take some pressure off.

Getting the children to start helping with small tasks such as putting their school uniforms in the washing, putting their own clothes away, packing their school bags, helping with tasks such as laying the table, putting toys away, dusting (I am always dusting because we live in a city flat!), hoovering. It's doesn't have to be a punishment! Make It fun. Stick on some music and let them dance around 'helping you clean' - you will be able to actually do some housework and it will also be good for them.

I used to look after 3 boys (full time for a while whilst their mother was in NZ). I used to dread those winter school runs (35 mins each way). The only way we got through was solidarity, trying to make the drives fun. Music helped using the time to have a chat, or play games. Making sure that everything is ready before takes the stress away. There is nothing wrong with having toast on the way to school if you are in a rush. (It's one of my happy childhood memories, eating toast whilst walking to school).

No screens in our house. My DD is still to young to care. But even when I was looking after the older kids it was also screen-free. I found that the kids were more involved in the household, wanted to talk and help. In my view when they have a lot of time on screens, kids become detached, grumpy, don't enjoy family time as much because they are restless to get back to whatever they are doing. It's just not a nice dynamic. I think it's important to enjoy your time with the kids rather than feeling as though everything is on you. For a mental shift try turning all your 'have tos' into 'get tos'. (It really works!) Practicing gratitude is a great way to curb resentment in my experience

Do you have friends with children a similar age. Can you do family play dates? Ie. Mum and kids come to yours, you two have a coffee and chat while kids play outside sort of vibe, and then switch. Then you can have some adult time and kids are happy together. It's important that you have adult relationships, so you can talk about stuff, normalise the everyday challenges of parenthood.

Finally, I take a moment when I feel stress bubbling up inside me and ask myself "how important is this?" Will the world end tomorrow if it doesn't get done?" (Of course not!) Why am I stressed? (Overwhelm usually) Will something terrible happen if this is not done now? (No, most things can wait) Would I rather be happy and calm and enjoying my day? (Yes) Only give things the amount of time and attention they need. Ask yourself, is this a 5 minute task, a 10 minutes task or is this a 'i need to sit down and concentrate on this for an extended period of time kind of task".

I have a to do list on your phone. So if I get a spare moment and don't know where to begin I can start working through the list. At the top of the list I have my daily task (is. The one thing that MUST be done) as long as that one thing gets crossed off, I can go to bed happy.

This is just my experience. I hope it helps in a small way. You sound like a great mum.

Yes that's great!!

SlothOnARope · 18/10/2024 09:18

You should not be living to your last £1 every month if the DH has a job that involves foreign travel and luxury hotels.

Send him your budget and ask how he can continue to justify what he is doing, and if he is still interested in being a father.

FusionChefGeoff · 18/10/2024 16:49

I hope you have equal access to family money ie you and he pool income and split bills relative to income?

The luxury hotels and fancy dinners life should not leave the partner at home living to their last pound.

iamworthmore · 18/10/2024 21:00

I’ve only just come back and seen all your responses. I honestly was not expecting so much helpful advice thank you all for taking the time with your messages.

Sorry if I was not clear but yes he is my ex. He has a new girlfriend who he spends all his time with abroad, just sadly not his own children. The children are 5 and 9 years old. He does pay cms and reminds me constantly about how he pays me money and what a fantastic dad he is.

I was feeling really down this evening. Keep contemplating running away but I could never do that. I love the children and I would never want to hurt them in that way. Especially given there dad has already left. But it’s horrible feeling so trapped. Every single night I am here. I have no life other than work and childcare.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/10/2024 10:20

I'm sorry OP it is so hard especially in the early years. Honestly it does get easier.

Your ex sounds like a real prince Confused

Bornnotbourne · 21/10/2024 07:01

Yes the evenings are the most lonely when the kids are in bed. Over the years I’ve done loads of things to distract myself. I got an exercise bike and did spin classes online. Spring cleaned my house and in the old days wrote letters for amnesty international.

Bornnotbourne · 21/10/2024 07:02

Still felt miserable sometimes though

Jerrypicker · 26/06/2025 15:02

If your husband lives a life of luxury and earns a very good wage, you should spend some of it on a nanny and housekeeper. Tell him you feel overwhelmed and need domestic help. I wouldn’t ask, I would demand.

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