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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel used and let down

23 replies

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 18:58

Ok so I’m feeling a bit upset/frustrated probably over something and nothing but I need to vent. It’s over the relationship with my sister. We are both in our 40’s and up until recently I’d have said we were close but I really feel like she can’t be arsed with me anymore and I’m left wondering if it’s something I have done. She used to always be popping in at my house or i’d go round to hers and now unless it’s a family gathering for something specific I don’t really see her.

It ended up it was always me trying to make an effort but she was always to busy. She treats our parents like this sometimes too eg she hasn’t always got time to see them but then you’ll see on Facebook she’s out with friends instead which is fine but then why not just say that. So at first because she is like this with our mum and dad I didn’t take it personally I just assumed she was busy but yeah I don’t think it’s just that. I feel like she’s avoiding me.

She had some good news a while back and I of course congratulated her and told her well done but she became very braggy about the situation and it was all she talked about. Whilst I didn’t say anything I’m worried my face said it for me and maybe she twigged I was getting a little frustrated. But it was only because like I said she does tend to brag, is very money orientated borderline obsessive where as I’m very modest about any achievements. That said just because I’m modest it doesn’t mean I don’t like to see others achieve, on the contrary and like I said I congratulated her but I have a feeling she thinks I’m jealous when this really is not the case at all.

Ah I don’t know. I know people can simply grow apart but it makes me sad. Since her ex came back on the scene last year I gradually started to see less of her but before this she was never away from my house so I feel a little used. Then this year I’ve seen even less of her and now like I said it’s like once a month now.

Usually because I’m a people pleaser I’d be chasing her but I can’t do that anymore and nor do I want to. I think because I work part time and she works full time she thinks I have all the time in the world and I should be the one to make more of an effort but I try and she’s always to busy. With anyone else in my life if this were happening I could easily approach them and discuss it with them but my sister can be quite impulsive and takes offence very easily so I suspect she’d think I was having a go at her. What do I do?

OP posts:
BunsenBurnerBaby · 17/10/2024 19:00

Why do you feel used? (Your title.)

DoreenonTill8 · 17/10/2024 19:02

Why do you feel used? Do you think she should spend more time with family than friends?

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:06

I feel used as this time last year she was alwyas getting in contact and often turning up our the blue for a coffee which I actually enjoyed but as soon as she got back together with her ex she stopped coming around as much. She also used to make an effort to see my dc and now they barely see her either. Of course she’s entitled to see her friends and I don’t feel like I should be entitled to her time but it wouldn’t be nice to see her and if she doesn’t want to see me then it would be nice to know why.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 17/10/2024 19:13

What's her ex like ? Had she had conversations about him with you but now wishes she hadn't? Maybe she's wrapped up in the relationship bubble now . Do you feel used because she stopped spending time with you when she got back with him

BunsenBurnerBaby · 17/10/2024 19:15

could it just be a phase of life and she’s really busy? It might not be about you at all. My sister (and friends) and I go through cycles depending on how much we have going on in our lives. The relationships that last decades are the ones that allow grace for changing priorities without taking it as a personal slight. My 80 yo mum is besties with her primary school buddy she barely saw between the ages of 25 and 65.

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:18

Her partner is lovely so no issues there as far as I’m aware. It’s not specifically that she stopped spending time with me as soon as he came back on the scene as I did still see her. It’s the fact that she’s gradually cut down spending time with me and now I hardly see her and I have no idea why. For example at the weekend I messaged her to ask if she fancied a coffee and a catch up. She replied saying she wasn’t feeling well but then I later found out (through our DM) that she’d been to visit our grandmother, something she definitely would not do if she was feeling poorly as our grandmother is 92 and vulnerable. So yeah that kind of sealed it for me really. She’s lying and or making excuses not to see me. I can’t possibly think what I have done.

OP posts:
JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:22

Well I thought that could be the case but when I sat and thought about it my dsis has always had a busy life yet our relationship as sisters had always been close and we both made sure we made time for each other. I know situations change as life moves on but my dsis kids have grown up now and she has more time than when they were little. I know that doesn’t mean she has to spend that time with me and to be fair I’d be happy to see her once a week if that’s all she could manage but she manages to find time to spend with friends so she can’t be that busy.

OP posts:
MammaGisAF · 17/10/2024 19:24

She probably did use you to an extent, for support and company.

You have choices. Keep reaching out and feeling this way when she says no. Pull back and hope she takes the lead more. Or have a discussion about how you are feeling.

Tbh I did the third option when in this position and it went down like a sack of shit, caused a massive argument and everyone fell out, so my advice would be option 2, step away for a bit and hope she comes back when ready.

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:30

Yeah I think that is exactly how it would go down with my dsis to be honest. I have actually pulled back a bit already the last few weeks but still kept in touch here and there. She didn’t make an effort so the other day I thought I’d offer an olive branch of sorts and offer to meet up and then found out she fobbed me off. Not a nice feeling.

OP posts:
Naunet · 17/10/2024 19:50

Have you asked her what’s going on and why she lied?
I understand being hurt, I do think some of this is natural though, when she’s in a relationship of course she’s going to want to spend more time with her partner, but it does sound like it’s more than just that.

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:54

Yeah it’s definitely more than that as when she was with her ex years back we still seen each other fairly often. I’m also married and I love spending time with My dh but I prioritise friends and family too.

OP posts:
Naunet · 17/10/2024 20:04

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:54

Yeah it’s definitely more than that as when she was with her ex years back we still seen each other fairly often. I’m also married and I love spending time with My dh but I prioritise friends and family too.

I think you need to ask her, maybe she does have reasons that are directly to do with you, and maybe she doesn’t and you’ve not done anything ‘wrong’, but you won’t know unless you ask. Are you worried if you do say something, she won’t take it well?

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 20:11

Yes I am. She can get defensive at times and may think I’m having a go at her.

OP posts:
Naunet · 17/10/2024 20:25

Maybe you could try a ‘I’m worried about you’ approach?

It must be hurtful though, so if you’d rather take some time out first and gather your thoughts and decide how you want to approach it, if at all, you should, prioritise yourself

itsmylife7 · 17/10/2024 20:31

I think she assumes you're always going to be there as you're sisters.

Unlike her friends she needs to make more of an effort for them.

I can understand you being hurt by her actions.

JodieZ · 18/10/2024 08:05

See of course I’ll always be there we’re sisters after all but I can’t keep offering myself up in the capacity I have done previously when she clearly doesn’t make an effort back. I wish if I have done something she’d just tell me.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 18/10/2024 08:11

Almost everyone is busier when they are in a relationship. Maybe your sister is feeling pressured to see you more than she wants to? I’d back off a bit, see other friends and wait for her to suggest a meeting.

Emmz1510 · 22/10/2024 17:22

Once a month sounds like a decent level of contact to me. I probably don’t see my sisters that often and I consider us close! But then if more often is what you are used to then it is going to feel wrong, every family is different. Are you sure there is something wrong and it’s not just life getting in the way?

MrsWallers · 22/10/2024 17:44

You could ask her if you have done anything to upset her but she will probably just say no
But it sounds like the good news thing and the ex are part of the reason that you arent seeing much of her at present
My sister and I have a funny realtionship, I havent seen her since Christmas Day and she lives 25 miles away
We have spoken a few times but mainly about our elderly gran and her changing needs.
In the past I have really tried and been hurt many times by her
It does make me sad as I want us to be closer but shes a funny fish so I just have to get on with my own life and not worry too much about it.
Lifes about choices and we all see things differently which can be really hard

Mary46 · 22/10/2024 17:56

Families can be difficult op. If you reached out I leave it to her now. I stopped chasing people to meet up.

Jessie1259 · 22/10/2024 18:18

Can you just really make the most of the once a month you see her?

beanii · 22/10/2024 18:18

So you're annoyed because she's living her life?

Being out with friends is 'busy' - she doesn't need to tell you what she's doing.

Most people do spend more time with friends than family - YABU.

beanii · 22/10/2024 18:21

JodieZ · 17/10/2024 19:22

Well I thought that could be the case but when I sat and thought about it my dsis has always had a busy life yet our relationship as sisters had always been close and we both made sure we made time for each other. I know situations change as life moves on but my dsis kids have grown up now and she has more time than when they were little. I know that doesn’t mean she has to spend that time with me and to be fair I’d be happy to see her once a week if that’s all she could manage but she manages to find time to spend with friends so she can’t be that busy.

So she works full time but you expect to see her at least once a week?

That's a LOT.

She has work, friends, housework, hobbies etc to fit in too.

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