Working hours & household chores

[riverislandjeans]

I work 30 hours a week ( to facilitate school runs )

DH works 48 hour week.

He does some weekends not all. I very occasionally do a weekend shift.

I do everything at home. Bedtimes ( only 1 child requires actual bedtime ) all cooking, cleaning, washing, life admin, kids admin, holiday booking, present buying etc.. generally anything that needs doing for the house or the kids.

He does work a lot and x 2 evenings a week takes DS to his extra curricular activities. He also puts the bin out on bin day.

I take other DS to 1 activity a week.

DH thinks because he works more, he's more tired so therefore he shouldn't have to do anything at home and in his words 'would love to have my job and looking after the kids'

His job is manual, mine is office based. Incase that matters.

AIBU expecting him to do something ( anything?? ) at home and it shouldn't all fall down to me?

Excel spreadsheet mark out how much leisure time you each have, equal leisure time is what is fair.

My DH works 48 hours a week and is a shift worker doing days and nights . I work 16 hours . Just because he works more doesn't mean he does nothing . I do more and understandably so but he pulls his weight. Our DD is older now but when she was younger he'd come in and do bedtime etc
Because he wanted to do it not because I've had to tell him to .

So YANBU OP. He can definitely do more .

See this!

I am happy to do the bulk, I AM home more. It's the fact he refuses to do anything!

I am just expected to do everything, even down to moving any plates / cups he leaves lying around! He wouldn't dream of doing it, just leaves it for me!

Ewww so he sees you as his skivvy.

I used to work around 33 hours a week and my DH 40 hours. I did the bulk of the chores and childcare as I was around more.

I now work about 44 hours a week and him still 40 hours. Childcare is now 50/50, and I'm working on transferring more stuff onto him as I still do most of it!

But yes, if you only work 30 hours a week then you should absolutely be doing the first 18 hours of chores, then split anything else 50/50

I think at the very least he needs to alternate bedtime.

I think it will then be less of a chore as you get a break from it, and be more of a time to bond. I also think if you need to go into hospital or something it's important for your child to feel really secure going to bed with both of you.

i also think, even if you have 18 hours a week to do chores to match his working hours, you should still get sick days, annual leave and a day off each week from things like cooking.

Does he get a lunch break - no work no chores, is that what you get?

We work similar hours and I honestly wouldn't put up with this.

I might only work 30 hours a week but I get zero alone/down time because I leave the house with the kids and come back with the kids and straight into cooking dinner /washing cleaning etc.

My husband although he works many more hours. Gets up alone in the mornings, only gets himself ready, then goes to the gym on his way home.

He does pull his weight when he's home though. He seems to have far more energy than me!

He can 100% do more

My partner is a stay at home parent and does most stuff but I wouldn’t dream of leaving my plates, cups etc for him to clear up. That’s hugely disrespectful. And disgusting.

Right, so if you leave him, who will clean and cook and look after the kids for the poor important busy man then?! His mummy? Relationships are not meant to make the man’s life easier and the woman’s life harder.
He’s a grown up, working a job and having to parent your children and keep your house clean is part of that, it’s what most of us do.

Hes an entitled misogynist.

Write a list of all chores and divvy them out according to time. Take some things in turns like cooking, bedtime and the bathroom.

do you do more than 18 hours’ more family / house stuff than him?

Fine but he can't complain when the kids love you more

What would he do if he lived on his own and/or shared custody of your children?

Thanks. Some thoughtful replies.

I've said repeatedly if he lived on his own who would do it and his answer is always 'well I would' but I guarantee it would be a pig sty!

I honestly do not mind doing the bulk of the cleaning and I am the better cook, I actually enjoy cooking.

I don't mind doing everything for the kids either to make sure it's done, they've never gone to school without something or a trip not paid, lunch not booked etc.

It's just the little things that I'd appreciate. A pile of washing left on the side to be taken up, if he could do that without being asked. Emptying the dishwasher when he gets home before I start cooking. Hanging his damn clothes up rather than leaving them on the floor every morning! I'm not asking for the house to be deep cleaned by him!

You have a very low bar for what you expect from a partner and he takes full advantage of that. I imagine he's selfish in other ways too.

He's not going to do the 'little things' because you'll eventually do it yourself.

I'd stop dealing with his laundry and shove anything he leaves lying around in a black bag and so on.

TBH if he didn't change his attitude I'd split up as your DC will learn to teach you the same and marry with the same attitude that wife does it all.

He is selfish, my oh works 6 days a week, I work 4. We have 2 children, and the chores are 50/50. We are a team. It's not a competition who is more tired and works more. We are a family unit.

He may work more hours, but you're doing the bulk of everything else . So you're actually working more hours than him. Definitely needs sorting. He is basically treating you like a skivvy.

In our house household chores are not linked to employed work. It’s a totally separate aspect of life and so we never seem to have the simmering resentment and weighing up of ‘doing the right share’.

Kids is 50/50
Essential household chores are 50/50
Work is work
Any flex in work and additional free time is used to do additional, non-essential chores like decorating or spring cleaning.