So much I hate about myself

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

There are so many things I hate about myself and it feels overwhelming to change everything at once (and some I can’t afford to do!). Any quick wins or advice?!

My weight. I’m a size 14/16 and all the weight looks like it’s all in my tummy since having children. It’s all I see in every picture. Normally I start being more active, lose weight but never from my tummy and then I get frustrated and go back to usual. This is impacted by having MS so not always easy.

My teeth. Dodgy braces in the 80s mean that my front tooth
is overlapping the one next to it. Hate my smile. Avoid open mouth smiles.

Eyesight. I have -11 vision and so rely on glasses and contacts which I hate. What’s the most affordable way to fix this?

I have incredibly poor mental health due to trauma. NHS said they close at the 12 week point for talking therapy so won’t touch it and recommended I go private so I can have longer which I can’t afford.

If this were you what would you start with? I want to make a plan for self improvement.

Thank you if you got this far!

You start with your mental health. Always. Could you go back to the GP and ask for further support or advice. You need to work on the inside before you can work on the outside.

Thank you.
Ive gone back to the GP. Anti depressants aren’t working for me and he is going to look into where I can get help x

You could see if your local branch of MIND can offer some support. Sometimes they offer support groups or low cost counselling with therapists who volunteer their time or are finishing BACP training and building up their supervised hours. Obviously trauma is a specific treatment approach but it might be worth looking into the MIND option if IAPT can't offer you anything further at the moment. The primary care MH support it sounds like you've had often can't offer as many sessions as they would like and you need.

You've listed the things you don't like about yourself but I bet there is a lot more to you than those things. I think this is a good book from a credible source. It's about developing self-compassion (and self-acceptance). It isn't specifically about trauma but it's a useful approach and a component of making changes. Prof Paul Gilbert has also written Overcoming Depression which many find a useful book. Good luck making the changes you want to make. www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Compassion-Focused-Therapy/dp/1849010986

Thank you x

Start small.

Write a to do list of practical things you can get done when you feel ready.

Book an eye test - You could pick a nice pair of glasses that helps you feel good.
Book a dental appointment. A check up is always good and you could discuss any future dental work options.

The next food shop you do - Make it a bit healthier.
Get the kids out for a nice autumn walk. Little things that get you active and help you feel healthier.

Definitely start with MH. Quite apart from medical assistance, one thing that helps me is a piece of advice I heard a psychologist give on tv over 30 years ago. Whatever else is going on in your life - shower first. If I skip or delay my shower it affects my mood for the rest of the day.

I am also naturally very shortsighted. My last contact lenses prescription was -13. Ten years ago I had multi focal lens implants - it's effectively the same surgery people have for cataracts. My natural myopic lenses were removed and replaced with custom made multifocal lenses inserted though a microscopic incision in my eyes. It took about an hour and I was driving again in 2 days.

I can still remember the moment the first lens was inserted. In a split second I went from not being able to see anything in the operating theatre to everything around me coming into crystal clear focus. It was absolutely miraculous and I cried so much it delayed the process for my second eye!

It was expensive - 6k 10 years ago and I think it still costs about that now but I now have perfect near and distance vision and I no longer have to buy glasses or contact lenses so it's more than paid for itself. Having been completely unable to function without coke bottle bottom glasses or contacts since I was about 6 having perfect vision is absolutely life changing.

I've attached a link,to the surgeon who did the operation. You can pay by instalments now and it could be great for you.

https://hje.org.uk/consultants/mr-simon-levy/

Begin with sleep. And then mental health. And then small steps in the other directions.
Sleep is my priority and then exercise, fresh air if possible and then the other things.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.
I’ve decided that when I’m working at home I could do a fitness YouTube or similar. I’m going to start with ten minutes. Does anyone have any recommendations for ten minute fitness video clips? Then I can build it up

Love yourself. It may be hard but you're so worth it.
When you are tearing yourself apart look at a photo of yourself when you were younger and think. Would you say these mean things to her?

Physical and mental health go hand in hand … if you can build up the exercise that will help. I need accountability! So to go jogging with someone else, or a PT - whatever works/ you can afford.

I found that pushing myself beyond my comfort zone helped me.

I started hiking with a group, then a few of us began swimming outdoors (the cold water also helps my inflammation).

Every time I push my limits a little further, I feel brilliant. I don’t care what I look like in a cossie because I’m having fun.

I’m also too busy to look inward.

Good luck.

There are many different types of anti depressants. It’s taken me a few tries to get the right ones and it has made an enormous improvement in my life. There is no need to suffer. Xx

Start small.

Get yourself out for a walk every day. Being outside is nature does wonders for your mental health and of course is good exercise. Plug your earphones in and listen to your favourite music or a podcast etc.

Make sure you’re drinking lots of water. It may seem simple but that also does wonders for the brain and body.

look yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you are a good person who deserves to be happy and to love yourself.

Thanks for this. I'm going to try to sleep more. Just needed a reminder on how massively important it is! X

Try and love the body you're in, by looking at older, stout women who have some of the attributes you have and loving them - see the twinkle in their eyes, the character gained over decades, the quirks, the joy.

There's some generic ad of some grey haired old ladies shaped like barrels going for a swim and looking joyful and honestly I really like it, helps me to aspire to be that lady stepping outside of the convention of what's attractive and having a great time and enjoying life anyway.

This might not be helpful advice at all as I don't see it given often, but I do think trying to see people who aren't conventionally beautiful as beautiful more generally, can help you be less critical about yourself.

Always start with your mental health. It affects how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself

Eyes, is laser a possibility? I wear reading glasses but only need them for reading. No idea what my prescription is but Optician said its normal age related deteriation. Or pick yourself some really lovely glasses, it's worth paying for decent frames if they are on your face all the time.

The teeth are easily fixed. It won't change your life but at least you'll be confident smiling again. At worst you'll get some nice photos from shoulders up! I think make an appointment today to get those done. If you need to save a bit then pick a date in the future and you will have the peace of mind of knowing some day soon this problem will be resolved.

Buy some nice stylish clothes or get second hand that hide your belly. Hopefully you'll be able to shift some weight but you might as well look good in the interm.

Get your hair and nails done and maybe some skin pampering.

I realise all cost money so I hope it's something you can afford. If you have to make little sacrifices then it's worth it.