To find DS badly behaved around DH?

[isaythis]

I wouldn’t say my DS(3, almost 4) is an easy child particularly but around DH it’s as if his behaviour gets notably worse. I dread time we all spend as a family sometimes because I know he’ll be whiny, demanding and poorly behaved.

Does anyone else find this?

What’s your h like as a parent? If he doesn’t discipline bad behaviour then ds is much more likely to take advantage. Is your parenting different when your h is around ? If you discipline less so you don’t come across as bad cop then ds is more likely to behave badly because he knows that he’s more likely to get away with it.

Kids know when their parents don’t agree on basics like discipline and will take advantage of those differences.

It'll be because of different parenting styles.

I do think DH is a bit too permissive and also uses bribes (mostly food) which I do think can have its place but it’s constant … it’s hard work.

It may be the case that h is much stricter or doesn’t give ds attention so he misbehaves because he can’t achieve dad’s expectations or gets attention he craves.

Your ds probably knows that behaving badly means that daddy will offer the chocolate or other food bribe.

Is it because there are two adults interacting with each other so he doesn’t always have immediate attentions on him? Could you just be better at predicting and avoiding potential issues?

Another way to look at it is - are you just more sensitive to the behaviour or worried about it because you know your DH will use bribes etc.

When it's just me and DD and home I'm really patient with her but DH doesn't have the same level of patience so I find myself trying to preempt all 'bad' behaviours IYSWIM

It isn’t just the bribes; I mean, I’d definitely be lying if I said I’ve never offered a tasty snack as a way to get compliance! It’s more the fact that it’s DHs first go to. And it’s general whining and lack of cooperation I would say.

If I get what I want by playing up I've learned that's how to behave. Attention can be what he wants not just food.

But he isn’t ‘wanting’ anything specific.

What does your DH do to engage your DS? Take him to the playground, do crafts or playdoh together, play games with him?

My DH is a much softer touch for treats with our DC, but it doesn't bother me hugely so long as kept within reasonable bounds and the children are safe. As for behaviour, the older one knows that some of the behaviour they get away with with DH wouldn't be tolerated by me or school - kids aren't stupid.

I’d say we both do plenty with him to be honest. He has a varied life, certainly!

I really noticed this afternoon as we were visiting a school so DS’s behaviour was embarrassing. Nothing terrible but he’s normally a lot nicer. Then I realised it was because DH was around too.

My child's behaviour was also fairly embarrassing when we looked round schools. It's a funny environment - there's all these rules and structure and of course the children in the school are usually quiet and well-behaved because they're used to the routines. But there are also lots of interesting things to see and touch, and from a young child's perspective they're being told to stay still and not touch any of these and it's boring. I came away from school tours thinking I had a dreadfully behaved child but, since they started school, I've had only very minimal complaints from the teacher.

If your dh bribes and cajoles instead of setting clear boundaries and enforcing them, the problem isn't your ds, it's your dh. Your ds has learned that he will get things if he acts up in dh's presence, so he does. That has to stop, immediately. If not, ds behaviour will continue to get worse as he gets older.

You and dh need to have a good long talk about parenting skills. It is easier to bribe children than discipline them, but that is lazy, irresponsible, damaging parenting.

Yes, I have this problem. My partner doesn't hold boundaries/follow through with consequences so his behaviour is much worst when he is around. He claims he cant make him do things... he's 3 and my partner is 6ft... he just doesnt know how to speak to a toddler, understand development etc. He says he feeld bad when he goes into the office as he can be out 12 hours and I have a 3 year a 5 month old... but h9nestly this week it was the least stressful day, son complied beautifully with his morning routine before pre school and we even had time to sit down and do some phonics and learn about the digestive system (he keeps asking about where poo comes from). Meantime the next day when partner was helping me out the door with them both, it was so stressful I just told him to leave...because when I tell my son to put his shoes on when we are leaving he does it, but he messes around and gets Daddy to do it when he's there...

What’s he like 1 on 1 with your DH?

Difficult to tell if this is an issue with your DH or if your son struggles with both parents together. My eldest was like this at this age - much better behaved with 1 parent and lost the plot with both around. As someone said upthread, it’s a loss of control thing when it’s not 1:1 attention.

I can identify with some of that @NewmummyJ !

Thanks @Goldbar - that’s a relief 😅