WWYD how to tell mum we’re moving to Australia?

[WarmPeachCrow]

Hiya thanks for taking a minute to help-

my DP, DD (2yrs) and I are planning to emigrate to Australia in the coming couple of years- we’ve thought a lot about it and are looking forward to starting a new adventure!

The only problem I have is im worried talking to DM about it. she has been very anti me living and working elsewhere over the years and i think wanted to be like her friend who has their daughter literally next door

We don’t have the best relationship anyway (she is classical narc and always has to be right!) and we live 400miles away from her anyway so maybe see her three times a year.

I mentioned on the phone last week that I would consider moving abroad and she first pretended she didn’t hear it, then mentioned it again and she dismissed me immediately and assured me that I would miss the UK too much and it wasn’t even worth considering.
we spoke on the phone this week and she didn’t ask me how I was (not unusual) and was sure to steer the conversation to just about her (not unusual) but didn’t get me a chance to try again!

i understand she lives alone and doesn’t have much in the way of close family. My SB lives 10 miles from her and sees her rarely, but that’s another story

i think she probably will want to say ‘have you thought about me?’

so my question is- how can I answer this?

I wouldn’t tell her until you have it set it stone to be honest. She’s heard so it won’t be totally out of the blue.

Tell her the week before you leave?! You don’t need to deal with the aftermath for long then!

Wait until you actually have the move planned before telling her. There is really no point before then, it is just worrying you and utsetting her for potentially no reason.

Couple of years?

If it's that far off then I'd imagine it's at the 'vague-ish idea' phase - no property or firm job offer etc sorted?

It's really not worth mentioning yet and having to deal with the stress and upset so far in advance. Things change. Tell her 3-6 months ahead when it's definite.

Don't tell her until you've got it all sorted from the practical side.

Given what you've said about her, there's no way this will go well with your mother, and you'll need to accept this. Emphasise that this is about an opportunity for your family and you'll visit or pay for a flight over for her.

I have had this conversation with a non-narc mum and my late DH with his mum when we went to Australia, so I know the ropes.

All the best @WarmPeachCrow

Not a word till its a done deal.
Good luck.

Yeah don’t tell her until it’s all certain!

I wonder how you would all answer from the other way round, if it were your DC who was emigrating. Would you prefer notice, or would you like to find out a week before it happens?

It would be awful to leave it, best to tell her sooner so that she can adjust to it. Not that she ever will adjust to such a shock. I'd be absolutely devastated if my DC moved to Australia.

Hopefully you're not a narcissist so your children will want to continue to have contact with you.

OP, I wouldn't mention it until it's a done-deal and you have a firm and fairly short timescale. Then I would put it in a letter so she can't stop you saying it.

Do not tell her until you get to the point where you have visas and are planning the actual move. You might want to but at the moment it's just a wish so no point in engaging with her

Go on that show.

It's your life. I think you have to say that

Well, nothing will soften the blow. I too would be heartbroken if my kids moved so far away. I actually judge people who are close to family that do (but I don't suppose you are!)

DH and I told our parents when he'd had his job offer and we'd got residency in place. It was about 6 months before we left. Are you intending to go for good? We initially said 2 years but ended up staying 6. Weirdly my mum who has lived overseas herself was way more upset than my MIL who lives half a mile from where she was born. Don't bother telling her until you know what your plans are.

My dad emigrated to Australia. Never got over it really. Barely saw him before but I’d have liked that to change as I grew older. Basically, accept you’ll break her heart regardless and then you do you. Telling her the week before would be cruel. May as well be honest now.

No point telling her it it's not going to happen. You should get your jobs and visas sorted first and then tell her.

Agree with others, don't mention it until you've sorted your plans/100% that it's going to happen.

I moved across the country many years ago, and my DM still likes to pretend it hasn't happened. Never asked about the house, only visited when pressed to, cried on the phone to me about it and still even to this day it's like the elephant in the room. I couldn't give a toss and it gives me a good giggle to be honest.

You do what you and your family want to do, your mum will either get over it or she won't!

Good luck.