I know I'll get slated here, as I feel like such a bad person even writing this. Me and dm have had our fair share of disagreements over the years and are very different people. I think we have tolerated each other because we are family, but I know i am not the dd she wanted; it just sort of goes unspoken. We love each other (not sure the other way as feel she doesn't really know what it fully is) and buy thoughtful gifts etc but it feels like it is going through the motions without the feeling behind it if that makes sense. I have never ever had that close mother daughter relationship I saw my friends have with their dms growing up. She was quite cold and hard towards me, and I never felt loved, she always favoured my older sibling; I think this is because they're more alike.
We do get on better now, but i never feel that I can truly be myself, no matter what I do for her it never feels enough. Dm will thank me at the time, and be grateful but then 5 minutes later she will rave on and on about what my sibling has done despite not requiring as much effort, and has this way of making me feeling like what I have done isn't enough. It seems to bring an insecurity from my childhood up in me. I always tried to buy her love growing up, get her the best gifts etc.
Sadly she divorced my df a lot of years ago, fair enough, she wasn't happy. DF, and I were very close, and he passed before last Christmas and I had my dm over, hosted, made dinner and the works. All I wanted to do was curl in a ball. She over stayed, was here all day, and only thought about herself. I ended up comforting her about her dm who had passed 25 years ago and about df who she hadn't bothered with for years after the divorce, because she didn't need him anymore, she had her bf at the time who could drive her about.
On Christmas day we had to tell dm we needed to drop her home now, and she seemed disappointed. My dcs were tired, it was very late, i wasnt feeling well ( have a chronic illness) and dc1 is ND. They love her, but even they were ready to have some time just us.
I have to parent more when dm is here because the youngest gets over excited and irritates dm eventually, the oldest one doesn't respond the way she would like, and i feel i have to constantly make apologies for this. He is ND, yet every time at the end of her visit, she will say "give grandma a kiss, he will say "no", she seems hurt by this. I don't believe in forced affection. He hates surprises, yet still dm expects him to like these things, and too much fuss. i have to repeatedly tell youngest dc to settle down, grandma needs a rest now.
DM hasn't babysat (apart from one time when dc1 was a baby), complained to no end about it, left the house a mess, and couldn't cope. I have never asked her for anything and have left home at 19 . She hasn't been there for me as an adult, but expects everyone there for her. I feel like I have parented my parent, giving advice about her bf, but not getting much the other way etc. I see everybody else with their put together mothers who support them, and I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I just feel so inadequate. When I have dm over she stays the entire day, and it is draining, I'd rather she came over more regularly than do this.
This year I want Christmas just me, dh and the dcs, I don't want to host her. She wouldn't be alone, has a relative she can spend the day with who she spends alot of time with, and my sibling who should be inviting her given the sun shines out of said sibling.
I'm a bitch aren't I?